Carrying on a discussion can be a really stressful experience. We focus so much on "victory" that we forget to listen to the other. You will be able to make a difference if you can stay calm, take a break before continuing, and then deliver your argument quietly and rationally (instead of screaming and fidgeting). Even if it is not said that you will win the discussion, that other person will understand exactly what you are trying to tell him and you can propose it again in subsequent discussions.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Expressing Yourself Properly
Step 1. Stay calm
The more you get angry and nervous, the harder it becomes to be able to push forward your argument. It takes some practice, but if you can control your mood, it will be easier for you to discuss efficiently.
- If this is not possible, however, remember to breathe as you argue. You must resist the temptation to speak quickly and loudly, speak slowly and articulate the words well, presenting your argument calmly.
- Keep your body language open and non-defensive. You can trick your brain into thinking you are calm. Do not cross your arms on your chest, let them dangle on the sides of your body or use them to gesticulate and make yourself understood by your interlocutor.
- Don't raise your voice. Strive to keep it at a normal level. Learn some breathing techniques if you tend to cry when annoyed or angry. Breathe for a certain number of times (e.g. 4) and exhale the same number of times, plus two (e.g. 6). This simple technique will keep you calmer.
Step 2. Get rid of the need to always have the last word
Before tackling a very important discussion, remember that you won't always be able to have the last word. Try to be satisfied that you have been able to present your argument efficiently, even if you have not been able to change your interlocutor's mind. In this way the argument will not continue indefinitely, waiting for one of the two to stop trying to have the last word.
Having the last word can be harmful, especially if you are in a relationship with the person you are arguing with (but even if it is not, remember that rumors go around and can harm you in the long run). If your discussion has come to a standstill and you have both presented your arguments and your points of view, it is time to stop
Step 3. Take a break
Better to do this before starting the discussion, so you both have a chance to take a deep breath and think about all the arguments you want to bring forward. It can briefly detach you from the problem you are about to face.
- You can do this with your partner, boss, friend, etc. When there is a problem that causes conflicts between you and another, ask to be left alone for a moment to think. Then set a specific time to deal with it.
- Let's take an example. You and your partner are arguing about who should wash the dishes, something like this can escalate and you may end up accusing them of not contributing to the housework (a common problem). Tell him "Hey, I thought we need to discuss something, but I would like to talk to you about it later because I need some time to soothe my anger and deal with it calmly. Can we do it tomorrow, after work?”. Use that time to reflect on what you are feeling, formulate valid arguments and come up with possible solutions.
- It can also be a way to decide if that discussion is worth having. Sometimes you can lose your head in the moment over things that, if you step back, turn out to be nonsense.
Step 4. Prepare to listen to the other
There is usually no right or wrong during an argument. Often there are only two different points of view, or two alternative interpretations. You will have to show yourself open to his version and examples, even if you do not agree with what he says. He probably isn't all wrong in making those claims.
- Let's take an example. You and your boss discuss how he treats you (you feel bullied and you think he is saying horrible things to you). He insists that your attitude is to blame. Now, try to remember. Your behavior has probably complicated things (instead of dealing with it right away, you have decided to adopt a passive-aggressive attitude). Admit your faults and he will no longer have reason to behave like this to you, because you will have recognized your role in the problem, then continue to explain that your behavior was triggered by his.
- Do not react immediately (this is why it is useful to take some time to think). What you believe now may not be true (think of someone offering you evidence or arguments that question your point of view on the world). Before you start shouting from the rooftops that you're right, research yourself from reputable sources.
- Sooner or later you will have an argument about someone who is dead wrong (usually on issues related to racism, sexism, etc.). You will not be able to win these discussions, because that other person will never be able to question their own world view (for example, racism and sexism do not exist). Avoid such people.
Part 2 of 3: During the Discussion
Step 1. Show positive intentions
To win an argument you will have to convince the other that you are doing it for his or her interest. If you think that discussion has a purpose in your relationship, the other will understand it, in this way you will have a better chance of making your intentions understood.
- Before starting the discussion, remember that you care about that person and your relationship (it can range from "he is my boss, one day I will need his help" to "she is my daughter, I love her deeply and I am concerned about some of the decisions that recently took ").
- This doesn't mean you have to be patronizing. Never say things like "I'm saying this for your own good" or "I'm just trying to make you a better person", otherwise the interlocutor will stop listening to you.
Step 2. Be present in the conversation
It means that you need to be able to recognize what you are feeling, rather than trying to close the topic as soon as possible. You can't raise your voice to the point that you can't hear what the other has to say and think it's over. You need to pay attention to the feelings and arguments of your interlocutor.
- Avoid starting an argument in a crowded, distracting place. Don't have a busy conversation if you know you're about to receive a call or text (it would be better to turn off your phone or put it on silent).
- Try to understand what you are feeling. If your heart starts pounding and your hands start to sweat you have to try to understand what is happening to you and identify your emotions (you are anxious because you are afraid that if you lose this argument your wife will leave you, etc.).
Step 3. Present your arguments
The clearer and more specific they are, the more the other will be able to understand them. You must not make vague statements, such as "you never give me a hand with the housework", otherwise the other could prove the opposite by reminding you that once he actually helped you, and the speech will lose all meaning.
- Be clear. If you are arguing with your boss, for example, remind him of specific incidents where he has been bullying towards you, and tell him how you felt other colleagues, etc.).
- This is the reason why when there is a couple problem (or in any relationship) it must be documented, in this way you can demonstrate that there is a pattern, and that it is not an isolated phenomenon.
- If you want to discuss politics, religion and other similar issues, make sure you know what you are saying. You will have to report precise facts in your arguments and you will have to avoid any logical mistake (which we will talk about later). Remember that discussions on topics of this type are often very heated, the people involved are often unable to remain calm and express their vision in a rational way.
Step 4. Listen
You will have to listen to the other in order to take their point of view into consideration. A discussion involves two (or more) people, each of them has a different view of things. It is very rare that one person is completely wrong and the other is absolutely right. To win an argument you need to make sure your interlocutor knows that you are listening to him and that you are evaluating his arguments.
- Make sure you look each other in the eye when he is making his argument and listen carefully to what he says. Don't start making another argument until he has expressed his opinion.
- If you get distracted or can't understand him, ask him for a few more explanations so that you understand his point of view.
- For this reason it is best to have an argument in a place free of distractions, this way you make sure that you are focused exclusively on who you are talking to. Look for a quiet corner, if you cannot choose the place, and make sure you are not within sight or ear.
Step 5. Try to manage your reactions
It's very easy to start getting nervous in the middle of an argument. You will realize that you are annoyed, or even angry. This is perfectly normal, but what you need to do is calm down and take a deep breath.
- Sometimes the best thing to do is to tell the other how you feel. Say something like "I'm sorry, but when you say I'm lazy I feel offended. What did I do to make you believe such a thing?".
- NEVER resort to violence or insulting names. These are very offensive behaviors and there is no reason to use these tactics (violence is only allowed if someone has physically hurt you and you are in danger of life; get away from that person as quickly as possible).
- Avoid treating other people as if they are idiots (no matter what you think of them) by talking to them too slowly, showing too much sarcasm, miming their gestures, or laughing at what is bothering them.
Step 6. Avoid saying certain sentences
Some seem to be made to irritate people. If you want to face a serious discussion (instead of trying to upset the other or impose your point of view on him), you will have to avoid them at all costs.
- "At the end of the day …": this phrase has practically no sense, but it still manages to unleash the desire to punch you in the other.
- "Not to be the devil's advocate, but …": people often use this phrase as if they think they are superior to things like listening to other people (they pretend, but the only thing they care about is being able to impose the own point of view, especially that of the devil's advocate). Or they just try to derail the conversation.
- "Do what you want…". If you want to start a serious discussion with a person, but that person keeps saying "do what you want" every time you bring up an argument, stop for a moment. Tell her she is being disrespectful and postpone the discussion for another time if you still intend to deal with her.
Part 3 of 3: Avoid Falling into Logical Fallacies
Step 1. Understand what logical fallacies are
These arguments can go beyond all others because they are based on invalid assumptions. If you have to use it to win an argument, then you'd better reconsider your arguments.
- This is why it is necessary to have an idea in advance of what you want to say to the other, in this way you can verify that there are no fallacies in your arguments.
- If you notice that the other is using a logical fallacy, point it out. Say, for example “in your opinion 70% of people do not support gay marriage, but I could remind you that it is the same thing that was said a hundred years ago about slavery. Are you sure you want to base your argument on this data? ".
Step 2. Avoid resorting to diversions
This type of fallacy often appears in discussions. In practice, it happens when a person ridicules the opponent's arguments, rather than countering them, and then moves the conversation to the issue that interests him (which is why it is very important to listen).
- Let's take an example. One person claims that "all feminists hate men". Rather than address feminists' concerns about gender equality (wage differences, gender-based violence, research showing how men tend to dominate discussions), she decides to continue complaining about the issue.
- This type of arguments serve to divert the conversation so that the interlocutor is obliged to continuously explain their point of view.
Step 3. Avoid making emotional fallacies
It occurs when a person compares small misdeeds to great tragedies. It happens all the time in the political sphere, and it is best to avoid them, because they will only irritate your interlocutors, making them lose interest in your point of view.
- A common example is to compare Beppe Grillo (or anyone else) to Hitler. This basically means that you are comparing a person who did something you don't like to the greatest killer in modern history, who tried to wipe out an entire ethnic group. Unless someone is planning a genocide, you don't want to compare him to Hitler.
- If your arguments are based on emotional fallacies you should try to reconsider your priorities.
Step 4. Absolutely avoid ad hominem attacks
They occur when a person attacks the cultural background or appearance of another, rather than contesting his opinions. Often it is women who are victims of these attacks because of their physical appearance, regardless of the topic of discussion.
- Let's take an example. Calling your mother stupid or crazy while you are arguing with her has nothing to do with the argument you are having, nor with her disposition.
- This type of attack only makes your interlocutors angry, making them lose all interest in your point of view. If a person tries to use such a fallacy, openly declare your dissent or abandon the conversation (often the people who attack you personally are the ones who are unwilling to listen to your opinion).
Step 5. Don't fall into the ad populum fallacy
This is one of the emotional fallacies, which deals only with "positive" and "negative" concepts without going into the merits of the arguments. This is another of the techniques often used in the world of politics.
An example: "if you do not support the President of the Republic, then you are not a true Italian (you are an anarchist-insurrectionist)". With such a statement, it is impossible to discuss the real problem, namely whether the current President of the Republic has made mistakes or not. Whoever advances this argument involves the patriotism of those who disagree in the question, practically a useless and meaningless thing
Step 6. Don't use the fallacy of bad china
This is a very common technique and is used in every sphere: political, personal, social, etc. It may sound really convincing, but it doesn't hold up at first check. Basically it starts from the idea that if a given event A occurs, then a series of events will occur (B, C, D..) which eventually will inevitably lead to Z. The fallacy compares A to Z, saying that if it does not occur A, not even Z will.
Example: a prohibitionist states that if soft drugs are legalized, hard drugs will be legalized in a short time. Event A is the legalization of soft drugs, but it is not directly related to event Z
Step 7. Avoid generalizing
These are conclusions based on little or incorrect information. Often they are done when trying to quickly conclude a discussion, without first acquiring all the information.
An example: "Your new girlfriend hates me, even though I only spoke to her once." The problem is that you only met her once. Probably on that occasion she was shy, or she had had a bad day. You don't have enough evidence to decide if that girl hates you or not
Advice
It's always best to have an argument in person (unless you're in a life-threatening situation). Make sure you follow the instructions to stay calm, if you are forced into an argument over the phone, take a deep breath and remember to be specific
Warnings
- Don't engage in discussions on social networks like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. Nobody wins those arguments, and most likely they were started by some troll.
- Remember that this article can only provide you with tips to increase your chances of winning an argument. He cannot guarantee you a sure victory.
