Carrying out resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer - you just poison yourself. Even if you may feel completely justified for what you are feeling as a result of the harm you have received, you had better not macerate yourself in resentment. If you are ready to break free from the chains of resentment, know that there are many ways to overcome this painful emotion.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Coping with Deep Pain
Step 1. Understand your emotions
If you want to deal with the emotions that arise from a given situation, you need to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if the resentment you feel is associated with pain in the past, independent of the person or the circumstances. Acknowledge your anger or indignation, but don't get stuck in this spiral.
- Sometimes anger can seem like a remedy for a sense of helplessness - it makes you feel stronger. However, keep in mind that this feeling will disappear. Focus less on anger, but try to soothe your wounds.
- Keep a journal and think about how you feel about the circumstances. Don't talk about how angry you are; focus on your pain instead. Describe your state of mind, trying to find out if anything similar has happened in the past. You are probably repressing suffering that resurfaces magnified in the current situation.
Step 2. Adopt a radical acceptance attitude
Radical acceptance means accepting things as they are: it means admitting them and not resisting everything that you cannot change. While pain is not a choice, suffering is. By saying "it is not fair" or "I do not deserve this", you deny the reality of things and avoid seeing how things have unfolded.
- Radical acceptance transforms the thoughts that hold you back into thoughts of acceptance: "Now this is my life. I don't like it and I don't think it's okay, but it's my reality and I can't change what is beyond my control."
- If you accept the little things radically, you will also be able to radically accept the most difficult and painful situations. You can adopt this attitude while you are stuck in traffic, queuing at the store, when you slip on a carpet and during the long waits in the waiting room.
Step 3. Meditate
Meditation can be extremely helpful, as it fuels positive feelings, decreases stress, fosters a sense of compassion, and helps to reduce one's emotions. It can help process and wipe out anger and resentment, giving way to understanding and empathy. The more you meditate, the more effective it will be.
Meditation focused on love and kindness helps you to be more understanding of others and put yourself in their shoes. Sit comfortably, close your eyes and choose a phrase to say to yourself, such as: "I want to love myself unconditionally" and put it into practice. Then repeat it to someone you don't particularly care about (for example, a store clerk or someone in line next to you). Then, address it to the person you are resentful of. Finally, tell everyone: "I want to love everyone unconditionally". Then reflect on your mood. Do you still have a grudge against those who have hurt you?
Step 4. Put yourself in others' shoes
It can be difficult to debunk a person when you go on a rampage. However, if you try to put yourself in her shoes, you can clarify what happened and ease your pain. The more you are able to understand the state of mind of others, the less resentment you will hold in life.
- Remember that you too can make mistakes and that, despite them, you will continue to be appreciated. Don't forget that everyone wants to be accepted, despite personal difficulties.
- Try to see the situation with the other person's eyes. What is happening to her? Are you experiencing a difficult period in your life that could have caused you to lose your temper? Keep in mind that everyone has their own personal problems to manage and that sometimes these affect social relationships.
Step 5. Love yourself unconditionally
No one person can make you feel loved and accepted all the time, except yourself. Remember that you are precious and deserve affection. If you expect too much of others, chances are you will set the same standards for yourself as well. Are you very hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Take a step back and don't forget to love and appreciate yourself at all times.
If you find it hard to love yourself, start by thinking, "I can love and be loved deeply." This way you will begin to change the way you view yourself
Part 2 of 2: Overcoming Resentment
Step 1. Avoid taking revenge
Even if the desire for revenge can brush your mind and even cause you to plot a plan, stop. It is not the strategy you need to get justice, since looking for justice, you risk causing more harm, if the spiral of revenge does not stop. When you want to repay someone for an offense, admit how you feel so that you can handle any loss of confidence.
- Do not act impulsively, but wait until you have calmed down and regain psycho-physical control. The desire for revenge is likely to pass once you clear your mind.
- If you decide to compare yourself with the person you are feeling anchors to, be careful with your words. In a moment of passion or revenge, you risk saying something you may regret. Ultimately, it's not worth it.
Step 2. Try to have realistic expectations about people
Remember that no one can meet all of your needs. If you believe that a partner, friend, or family meets all of your needs, review these beliefs. Failures are based on the greatest expectations.
- When expectations are not clearly communicated, resentment can arise. A discussion of what you expect and want can help you clear up any problems and avoid further problems in the future.
- Make it clear what you can expect from the people in your life. Find a compromise with them on what each of you expects from your relationships.
Step 3. Use first person sentences when speaking
When you confess to a person that you resent them, don't rush into putting all the blame on them. Rather, reflect on your state of mind and what you are experiencing. Since you don't know what's going through her head, you can't tell her what motivations led her to behave a certain way or why she made a certain gesture. Instead, focus on yourself, your pain, and your situation.
Instead of saying, "You've ruined our relationship and I don't forgive you!", Try saying, "I feel very bad about what you did and it's hard for me to get over this."
Step 4. Give others the chance to make mistakes
Sometimes it is difficult to admit that you are not perfect, have weaknesses and not always react in the best way. It applies to each of us. As you want people to forgive your mistakes, you too must return the same courtesy to the people in your life. Remember that those who hurt you are not perfect and that sometimes they behave based on limited vision or distorted perceptions.
Accepting that people make mistakes doesn't mean forgiving them for how they behaved. Rather, it means giving yourself the opportunity to analyze the context in which a person acted to better understand the situation
Step 5. Surround yourself with positive people
Live your life with people who are optimistic who can support you and allow you to make your own decisions. Despite your mistakes, they will always accept and help you. Surround yourself with sincere friends, who give you different points of view when you have a problem or who point out when you overreact.
True friends accept you, no matter what mistakes you make, because friendship means accepting others, even when they make mistakes
Step 6. Forgive
You will likely feel betrayed or amply justified in holding a grudge against someone. In these cases, forgiveness becomes an almost impossible gesture. However, forgiving does not mean pretending that nothing has happened or legitimizing the other person's behavior, but getting rid of the pain received.
- Ask yourself what caused a person to hurt you or how you found yourself suffering in a certain situation. Have you felt abandoned, suffered a trauma or relived an unpleasant memory from the past? It is likely that the other person discovered a still bleeding wound.
- You don't have to forgive people with words. You can do this even when they are no longer present in your life or have disappeared.
- One way to forgive is to describe the situation and the reason for this on a piece of paper. Light a small fire (taking precautions) and burn the paper.
