Sexual frustration is a fairly common phenomenon that can affect everyone. It can have many causes: not having a partner with whom to express yourself sexually, having a partner who does not meet your sexual needs, or even difficulties in the bedroom caused by your body or your mental health. It's important to think about what might be causing this frustration in your life and take steps to feel better (and do your partner a favor too).
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Dealing with Frustration Alone
Step 1. Masturbate
Masturbation is often a taboo subject, surrounded by guilt and misinformation. In reality, however, it is a productive, healthy, and safe way of learning what gives you pleasure. Exploring your body with masturbation can help you figure out what's best for you and communicate it to your partner.
- Remember that masturbation is natural and healthy. Studies from the Kinsey Institute suggest that 90% of men and 64% of women masturbate, but that these numbers are likely underestimated, because many people are still ashamed to admit it today.
- Many myths surround the female orgasm. One of the most common is that there is a "right" way to orgasm. It's not true. Women's bodies respond to stimulation in different ways; some may reach orgasm primarily through clitoral stimulation, while others may prefer stimulation of other areas. Don't feel guilty if you like something other people don't like (or vice versa).
- Many people use sex toys when they masturbate. It is normal and healthy. If you do too, be sure to read all the instructions and use a disinfectant to keep them clean and safe.
- Masturbation causes the release of endorphins, natural substances that can improve mood. They can relieve stress and anxiety, the main culprits for sexual frustration. Orgasms also cause the release of dopamine and oxytocin, substances that can help you relax.
- Experiment with many techniques on yourself. Find a comfortable place and learn how your body reacts to stimuli such as touch, pressure, penetration and physical exertion.
- If masturbation makes you uncomfortable for religious, philosophical, or other personal reasons, talking to a psychologist can help you safely overcome feelings of guilt or shame.
Step 2. Avoid raising yourself to another person's standards
In some cases, particularly for women, sexual frustration stems from the feeling of not having sufficient quality performance. Remember that there is no "normal" amount of sex to have, or a "normal" way to experience sexual pleasure. Rejecting other people's standards of what you should feel can help you focus on your pleasure and what you and your mate like.
- Some women, for example, may think they don't experience orgasms, because their orgasms are lighter than those shown in movies or pornography. Remember to focus on how you feel, instead of comparing yourself to external standards.
- Avoid thinking about what other people are doing. Some couples may worry that they are not having a "normal" amount of sex, and this can cause frustration, even if what they have is enjoyable. Some people may think that their wants or needs are not "normal", and this can lead them to feel unsatisfied because they are afraid to put them into practice.
- While you shouldn't judge yourself or your partner for your wants or needs, remember that all sexual activities should be carried out between consenting adults. Activities that hurt others or violate someone's rights are not acceptable. If you are concerned about your wants or needs, talk to a psychiatrist.
- Sexual desires and practices that seem "unconventional", such as BDSM, can also be experienced in a respectful and healthy way. You may need to seek out instructions or information to learn how to perform these practices in an epic way.
Step 3. Learn to accept yourself
Sexual frustration can result from dissatisfaction with your body. It is difficult to accept sexual pleasure if you are not happy with your appearance. Not feeling worthy or thinking you don't deserve love can also lead you to close yourself off in relationships. Learning to love and accept yourself as you are is a key part of alleviating sexual frustration.
- According to some polls, 91% of American women are unhappy with their bodies. Women, in particular, are constantly bombarded with images of what their bodies "should" look like. Reject these unrealistic stereotypes and focus on the elements of your body that you love, whatever its appearance.
- Surround yourself with positive people who love and care for you. Having friends and loved ones who show their love for you and accept you as you are can go a long way in improving your confidence.
- Approve your sexuality. Feeling guilty or conflicted about your sexuality, whether it's sexual desires, orientation, or whatever, can lead to immense frustration. Accept that you like what you like. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. Don't let anyone judge you or tell you that you should be different.
- Take yourself out on a date. To learn to accept yourself, you will have to see yourself as someone who is worth spending time with and for whom you can make nice gestures. Take out for dinner. Go see a romantic movie by yourself. Take a long walk on the beach. Go to the bar with a good book and buy yourself a few drinks. Remember to be valuable and desirable.
Step 4. Avoid giving too much importance to orgasm
In some cases, people may become so obsessed with the idea of orgasm that they see sex as "failure" if they don't achieve it. This applies to experiences alone and with a partner. Only giving importance to orgasm can turn sex from an enjoyable experience into a to-do list. Learn not to give too much importance to orgasm and to appreciate the whole experience, to relieve sexual frustration, especially if you often have difficulty reaching climax.
The inability to orgasm following stimulation is called "anorgasmia", and it affects many people, especially women. In some cases it is caused by physical conditions, in others psychological. Consult your doctor about possible causes and ask which treatment is the most appropriate
Step 5. Get help from a professional
In some cases, sexual difficulties or frustrations arise from causes you cannot see. Depression, anxiety and stress are some examples. The same goes for a history of abuse or a difficult childhood. A psychologist, especially a sexual specialist, can help you explore your sexuality and understand what causes your frustrations and concerns.
- Although sexologists work primarily with couples, many agree to work with single people as well. You can receive this type of therapy from psychologists, social workers, doctors, marriage counselors or other specialized professionals.
- It may be helpful to talk to a psychologist about other aspects of life as well - you may be surprised at what can affect your sex life.
- Sexologists have no sexual interactions with their clients. Indeed, they have an ethical obligation to avoid making sexual or romantic advances towards their clients. If such an incident occurs to you, please report it to the appropriate Professional Association.
- Discussing your sex life with a professional can make you feel embarrassed, but you should feel like your therapist is listening to you without judging. If you don't have this feeling, switch therapists.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy is a common treatment for sexual difficulties. It can help you identify and overcome unhealthy ways of thinking about yourself and about sex that can be causing your frustration.
Part 2 of 4: Working with a Partner
Step 1. Discuss your needs
If you are in a relationship, there will likely be differences between your needs and those of your partner. Few people have sexual desires or needs that line up perfectly and this means that you and your partner should have an open and honest conversation about your needs.
- Discussing sexual needs will make you feel embarrassed at first, but it can, in fact, be a good way to bond more with your partner.
- Find a time to talk where you won't be distracted or interrupted. Both of you should be focused on what the relationship needs, and that won't happen often if your favorite TV show is playing in the background or if you're both really tired after work.
- Use clear and honest terms. Euphemisms are often a sign that you are not comfortable talking about your body and your needs. Unfortunately, euphemisms can also confuse the meaning of your words, and not let your partner understand what you are asking. Don't feel embarrassed when you use the appropriate terms to describe your body and desires. "Vagina", "penis", or "oral sex" are not bad words.
- Discussing your needs is not reserved for those in long-term relationships. Single people and those in informal relationships can also benefit from open and honest discussions about needs and wants.
- Give your partner signals during sexual activity. Don't judge her and don't put pressure on her. Instead, say things like "Like" or "Continue". Avoid using terms like "not so"; you say instead, "it's more beautiful when you do this" or "I prefer if you do this". This type of communication helps the partner understand and meet your needs.
Step 2. Avoid blaming or judging
If you're having sexual problems in a relationship, it can be easy to think it's all your partner's fault. Language that blames or judges - like "You don't give me what I need" - puts your partner on the defensive and disrupts productive communications. Instead, try the following techniques for a healthy and productive discussion:
- Use first-person affirmations. They help make it clear that you are talking about your needs and are not trying to embarrass or blame your partner. For example, "Lately, I have a feeling that everything is predictable and disconnected when we have sex. I don't feel as connected to you as I would like."
- Invite the partner to share their feelings. Make sure you don't have one-sided arguments. Sex is a mutual experience, so ask questions about your partner's desires and preferences. For example: "What makes sex meaningful to you?" or "What do you like best when I touch you?". Helpful questions don't blame anyone and don't close the way to exploration.
- Never try to manipulate or make your partner feel guilty about having sex. You may think that your sexual frustration is a sign that your partner is not taking care of your needs, but the reality is almost never that simple. Using blaming phrases, such as "If you really loved me, you'd do _" harms the relationship. Avoid it. Instead, use first-person affirmations and emphasize how you feel: "When _ doesn't happen, I don't feel attractive or wanted."
Step 3. Make time for intimacy
Sex in movies looks so wonderful. The eyes meet and in seconds the clothes are torn and thrown to the ground. In real life, it doesn't work like that. Preparations need to be made, even by people who are still in the dating phase. Each party sets a time, there is an exchange of phone calls, we wash ourselves, we get ready as best we can and only then does the fun begin. Why should it be any different in relationships? It can be easy to let sex take a back seat, where it will simmer until you explode in anger or frustration. Intentionally making time for sex and intimacy can help relieve tension and ensure both of you get what you want.
- Change your routine. If you usually wait until the end of the day to have sex with your partner, try changing and doing it in the morning, or even during your lunch break. It can be especially useful if you are tired in the evening. Remember: there is no wrong time to enjoy your partner's company. You should do what you like best.
- Plan for sex. You may think that planning sex kills romance, but, in fact, 80% of married couples plan their own sexual relationships. Planning not only serves to ensure that you remember to dedicate time to your partner, it also gives you something to look forward to.
Step 4. Experiment
If you've been in a relationship for a long time, it's only natural that your sex life is less intense or exciting than when you first met. Comfort and familiarity are the building blocks of intimacy and commitment, but they can also make sexual intercourse predictable or even mechanical, and this can cause a lot of frustration. Talk to your partner to find ways to bring the eroticism back into your relationship. Remember: sex is much more than the sexual act. Be creative and work with your partner to find things that excite and satisfy you.
- Practicing types of sexual activities together that you don't commonly do, such as mutual masturbation, can help invigorate your sex life.
- You could also incorporate the use of sex toys or other tools. They can be especially helpful if one of the people is having difficulty reaching orgasm.
- Erotic images and stories can be exciting if both people enjoy them. They can be helpful in discovering each other's fantasies and developing a sense of shared experience. If, however, you or your partner are not comfortable with these things or do not appreciate them, avoid this advice.
- Think about activities you can do together that are erotic but don't involve a sexual act. This can help you break out of the routine and expand enjoyable experiences. For example, you could integrate "sensory focus" into your love life. It is a therapy technique in which you will have to focus exclusively on giving and receiving erotic touches without the goal of reaching orgasm. The journey counts, not the destination.
- Women often say they are satisfied with sex even when they don't orgasm, and they can enjoy sex as a means of expressing emotional attachment to a partner. Don't give orgasm enough importance that it prevents you from fully participating and enjoying the activities you do.
Step 5. Decide to be excited
Many people, especially women, may need to become physically aroused before they take an interest in sex. If you wait to have sex until you feel sexual desire, you may be waiting a long time and that could lead to frustration. Voluntarily deciding to get aroused and prepare for sex can help alleviate this frustration.
- Planning sexual encounters, as mentioned above, can help you. If you know Friday night is "date" night, it will probably be easier to be in the mood and get aroused.
- The female sexual response cycle is more complex (generally) than the male one. While sexual activity is fairly linear for many men (desire, arousal, orgasm), women may experience sexual responses in a more cyclical way. They may try these steps in a different order, or they may skip one or more of them. Therefore, it can be especially important for women to become physically aroused before they feel desire.
- This difference in the sexual response cycle is no justification for trying to get a woman to have sex who doesn't want to. If a person says "no", it means no. Don't press.
Step 6. Make compromises
Often, you and your partner will have different needs or wants. Maybe one of you has a fantasy that the other doesn't like. Or one of you needs more sexual interactions than the other. To have a happy and healthy sex life you will need to learn to compromise so that everyone's wishes are satisfied and everyone feels comfortable and respected.
- For example, if your partner has an erotic fantasy that you don't share, you could offer to hold her while she masturbates, use phrases in the bedroom that echo this fantasy, or read her an erotic story about that fantasy. But don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- One of the most common myths is that women don't want to have sex as much as men, but that's false. In fact, many women want more sex than their male partners do. Many studies show that adult men and women think about sex for almost the same amount of time. Don't assume you know what your partner wants - ask.
Step 7. Work on intimacy in other areas
Sex can be the primary means of expressing love between two people and increasing intimacy. However, if you feel that you are not getting the intimacy you need with sex, the relationship may suffer. Look for other ways to increase intimacy. This can help ease the pressure on sex as the only bonding moment.
- For example, consider trying a hobby or recreational activity together. Working together to achieve a goal, even if just to cook dinner together, can increase the sense of intimacy.
- Take the time to express appreciation and love for your partner every day. Be as specific as possible so that your words convey your commitment to finding things to love in your partner. For example, "That blue sweater of yours is one of my favorites because it makes your beautiful blue eyes stand out", or "I really appreciated that you made dinner for the kids so I could go to the movies. I love you. understand and work hard to satisfy my needs ".
Step 8. Consider seeking help from a counselor
Therapy can be useful to you as an individual, but it is often very useful for couples as well. A licensed marriage counselor or sex therapist can help you learn to communicate better and teach you ways to manage frustrations in a useful and healthy way.
Part 3 of 4: Finding Activities to Relieve Frustration
Step 1. Use the physical
Any kind of frustration can be alleviated by physical exertion. Sports such as kickboxing or martial arts are particularly effective. They take up your time, keep your mind busy, and get your adrenaline up in a healthy way.
Any exercise is good, even yoga, weight lifting, and regular cardiovascular activities. Physical activity has multiple beneficial effects both from a mental point of view and, obviously, from a physical one
Step 2. Use art or other relaxing hobbies as an outlet
If you don't like sports or fitness, find a more artistic hobby as a relief valve. These activities can be very cathartic and relaxing; also, reducing anxiety can relieve frustration. The less stressed you are in general, the calmer you will be towards sex.
Consider painting, cooking, DIY projects, candle making or tableware making, learning a musical instrument, woodworking, or any other hobby you enjoy. You will also cultivate a talent
Step 3. Use technology
Thanks to today's technology, long distance relationships have never been easier. If you are sexually frustrated because your loved one is far away, use Skype, Facetime or just some sexy texting. They won't have the same effect as sex, but they can help!
Some people are embarrassed by the idea of sex on the phone or the like. You may have to gradually rehearse with your partner. Start with small steps, such as telling her how much you miss her and when you would like to touch her, and try going from there
Part 4 of 4: Consider Other Causes of Frustration
Step 1. Talk to a doctor
Some causes of sexual frustration, such as erectile dysfunction or difficulty getting aroused or reaching orgasm, can have medical causes. Your doctor may recommend treatment options or lifestyle changes that can solve your problems, and consequently your frustration.
- Erectile dysfunction is a common cause of sexual frustration, not only for men but also for their partners. Heart problems, diabetes, obesity, and some medications can interfere with the ability to get and maintain an erection.
- Age is another very common factor of sexual frustration for both men and women. Sexual dysfunctions are more common as we age. Your doctor can help you find treatment options to alleviate your problems.
Step 2. Get more rest
Fatigue can be responsible for sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction and difficulty reaching orgasm. Being tired can affect sexual arousal and performance. You may feel frustrated because you want to have sex but don't have the strength, or because you try to do it and can't keep an interest in fatigue. Getting enough sleep can help you feel refreshed and ready for sex.
Sleep apnea can be a debilitating factor, especially for men and overweight people. If you often wake up tired and are not rested even after getting enough sleep, consult your doctor about possible treatments
Step 3. Deal with the stress
Stress can impact your ability to enjoy sexual intercourse. If you can't manage stress well, talk to a psychologist or your doctor about possible solutions. Your sexual symptoms could be the side effect of too much stress.
For an easy way to reduce stress, try yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises
Step 4. Cope with depression
Depression is a major contributor to many cases of sexual dysfunction. If you have problems with depression, you may experience decreased libido, which could frustrate you or your partner. Get help from a psychologist to deal with depression and revive libido.
- The brain is the main sex organ for men, and it must function properly for your sex life to be happy and healthy. Clinical depression is often caused by chemical imbalances that can affect libido and sexual performance.
- Depression can also often cause feelings of sadness or low personal worth that can interfere with your ability to feel sexually desirable. Resolving depression can help you overcome these feelings by feeling more desire and feeling more desirable.
- Some antidepressant medications can interfere with sexual desire. If you are taking antidepressants and suffer from unwanted side effects, talk to your doctor. Never stop taking medications and don't alter the dosage yourself.
Step 5. Look for alternative sources of pleasure
If your sexual frustration is the result of a physical disability, don't despair. Many people with disabilities lead healthy and satisfying sex lives.
- Studies have shown that almost any area of the body can act as an erogenous zone. You are not limited to the genitals.
- Use all your senses. Remember that sex is beyond genital contact. Involve sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste in your sexual experiences.
- Many people who have lost sensation in their genital area can still experience orgasm through genital stimulation. You may feel pleasure in a different part of the body than usual.
- You may benefit from using tantric sex techniques. This type of sex involves the use of Eastern philosophies of awareness and living in the present moment. It can help you enjoy the activities you can try without worrying about the ones that are closed to you. For example, focusing only on the sensation of an activity or conscious breathing can help you stay "in the moment".
Advice
Always practice safe sex. Use condoms, contraceptives, and ask your partner about their sexual history and any STDs
Warnings
- Sex should only be practiced by consenting adults.
- Never pressure someone to have sex, and don't use guilt to manipulate them. Respect the right to say no.
