Sometimes it is difficult to express your thoughts without being rude to people. It takes time and practice, but you can learn to be clear, direct, and respectful when talking to others. It is necessary to reflect before speaking, to express oneself clearly, to use body language properly and to listen well to the interlocutor.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Say What You Think
Step 1. Avoid communicating incorrectly
Everyone has a different way of communicating, but some communication styles prevent you from saying what you think, believe what you say and make you look rude.
- Passive people have a tendency not to talk and avoid confrontation. They give in easily and have a hard time saying "no" for fear of being rude.
- Aggressive people are usually emotionally sincere, but they express their honesty inappropriately. They overreact and, when interacting with someone, they tend to belittle them. They raise their voices, accuse and do not prepare to listen to the opinion of others.
- Passive-aggressive people are not clear about what they really want, think and need. They are not very direct, they make promises they cannot keep, they are pouting and sarcastic. They can give the impression of judging.
Step 2. Practice speaking in front of a mirror
Think about situations where you usually have a hard time saying how you feel. Imagine what you would like to say to someone. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts.
- Write what you want to say.
- Repeat it in front of a friend you trust.
- Role play with a professional, such as a psychologist, who can give you an honest and objective opinion.
Step 3. Speak appropriately
"I would like …", "I have the impression …" and "I need …" are introductions that allow you to express what you feel in a clear and direct way, without blaming your interlocutor. They are especially useful when you need to express negative feelings or have a difficult conversation. You can use the following formula in almost any situation: "When you do […], I feel / have the impression of […] and I need […]".
- If you want to solve a problem with a colleague, try saying, "When you leave the office for lunch and come back after three hours, I feel disheartened to have to finish researching our project. I need to spend more time with you. to be able to conclude it ".
- If you want to express a concern to a friend, try saying, "When you cancel our appointments at the last minute, I'm unhappy and disappointed. I need a little more notice when you change our plans."
Step 4. Use proper body language
If you express yourself correctly even with your body, your intentions will be better understood by your interlocutor. By showing that you have an assertive nature, you will be more confident. Start by looking the person in front of you straight in the eye.
- Maintain eye contact with the other person. Don't look down, don't look away, and don't throw dirty looks.
- Stand up straight or sit down with your back straight.
- Avoid putting your hands on your hips, clenching fists, or pointing fingers at the other person.
- Do not panic.
- Don't raise your voice, don't shout, and don't be hesitant.
Part 2 of 3: Believe What You Say
Step 1. Think before you speak
When you find yourself in a situation where you need to express your opinion or make yourself understood, take a few deep breaths before intervening. Do a quick review of your feelings, consider who you are in front of, and consider what you need to say. Ask yourself what you want to achieve and what epilogue you wish to achieve.
If you focus too much on the relationship with the other person, your message may not be as clear and direct as you would like. By filling it with unnecessary appreciation, you risk weakening it rather than focusing clearly on the issue you face
Step 2. Trust yourself
Believe in yourself and remember that your opinion matters. Your feelings matter as much as anyone else's and you have every right to express them and say how you feel.
- Being confident does not mean having the belief that your opinions are the "right" ones. Keep in mind that you have the right to express what you think, feel and believe, like anyone else, including those who disagree with you.
- Do not consider a dialogue or discussion as a "race to be won". Try to express your opinion clearly and recognize the same right to others by listening to them. Don't try to dominate conversations and don't be overbearing, even if you are very attached to your view of things.
Step 3. Learn to say "no. You have every right to say "no" when someone invites you to do something. If you always comply, you risk giving yourself too much, taking on greater responsibilities than you would actually be able to manage and ignoring your needs. Saying "no" doesn't mean rejecting someone on a personal level, but rather not fulfilling a request from them - and it's not rude. Ask yourself if his request is reasonable, and if necessary, get more information first.
- Be honest and concise. It is perfectly acceptable to answer: "No, I can't do that." Don't apologize or explain why you refuse to accept. By saying "yes" to something you don't intend to do, you will only be bound to feel nervous or resentful.
- Keep in mind that some people may insist if they hear "no" for an answer. In these cases, it is better to be firm and continue to refuse instead of giving in.
Step 4. Avoid saying "no" aggressively (shouting or losing control), otherwise you will be rude and inappropriate
Be kind ("Thanks for asking, but…") and friendly. If you have a hard time expressing your refusal, you can answer: "It's really hard for me, but I'm forced to refuse."
Step 5. Learn to understand your emotions
If you have to express what you feel, don't allow emotions to take over what you say and how you communicate it. Your interlocutor may feel attacked, get defensive and be influenced by your mood, rather than focusing on your message. In order to be convinced of what you say, don't rush and think about what you really need.
If you're angry and don't want to hide it, there's no need to lose your temper or scream. Don't let anger make you offensive or aggressive. Try taking a few deep breaths, and if you can't control yourself, walk away from the situation. For example, you might say, "I'm very nervous right now. I need a minute. I'd rather talk about it later."
Step 6. Be firm
When you talk and express your opinions, don't change your mind too often. Stick to the decisions you have made and the speeches you make, but be clear and confident from the start. Don't let others push you to change your mind for the wrong reasons, but be willing to listen to them.
If you know you don't have time to bake a cake for your nephew's birthday party, but your sister insists, don't give her the opportunity to make you feel guilty or manipulate you to get what she wants. Find a compromise by suggesting how else you could help her. Try saying: "Right now I don't have the chance, but if you order the cake at the bakery, I'll be happy to go get it and come to the party or I can arrive an hour early to help you organize the house."
Part 3 of 3: Avoid Being Rude
Step 1. Put yourself in others' shoes
Help others and try to understand their needs, as well as communicate yours. You should understand their state of mind when they ask you for something.
If you are having trouble with a roommate, try to look at the situation from his or her point of view. You might say, "I know you're tired when you get home from work and you just want to read. I love to relax too, but I need you to help me clean the apartment."
Step 2. Listen carefully
Pay attention to the words of your interlocutor and repeat or summarize what they said. This will show him that you are attentive to listening to him and that you are not just trying to express your thoughts.
Try saying, "I understand how frustrated you are with work and that you just want to relax before you help me clean."
Step 3. Report the facts when giving an opinion
Avoid judging, insulting, and launching personal attacks.
For example, don't tell your roommate: "You're a slacker! You never clean!"
Step 4. Don't get defensive
If someone is addressing you aggressively, you will surely be tempted to get defensive and respond impulsively, so try to wait before you intervene. Take a deep breath. Try to calm the situation and relieve tension, instead of being drawn into an argument.
- As you take a breath, think about your first reaction - what you want to say or do right now - and don't go along with it. Take another deep breath. Your first impulse is probably to defend yourself when you feel attacked.
- Reflect on the next reaction, then take another breath without indulging it. You will probably think that when you feel attacked, you should react the same way. This is not the right reaction either.
- Try to find a solution or get a clearer idea of what your interlocutor is saying. For example, you might say, "Tell me better why you get frustrated when you are at work."
- Try using "yes, and" instead of "yes, but". This will show him that you are listening to him and that your opinion comes from a positive perspective.
- If the discussion is always quite tense, try pausing, counting to 10, and asking for a break. You might say, "I'm feeling pretty upset right now. I think it's best to pause before saying something I don't think."
Step 5. Be less sarcastic
Sarcasm is used to allay discomfort or insecurity during a conversation. Often those who use it are considered aloof, rude and demoralizing. To foster a climate of understanding and transparency in interactions, try not to be too caustic.
Step 6. Don't gossip
Speaking behind others' backs, reporting something that bothers you, is mean and unfair behavior. If you have a problem with someone and think it's worth talking about, address the other person directly.
Advice
- Think first. This way you will avoid telling your interlocutor what you assume they want to hear.
- It is not easy to express your opinion. It can be a long and gradual process. Be patient with yourself and slowly get used to it.
- Consider seeking help from a trusted friend or counselor to guide you through this process.
