Women, men, boyfriends, girlfriends, relatives, relationship experts and TV commentators all have different opinions on the matter: Can two people who have loved each other really remain friends when the relationship ends? Opinions, apparently, split almost in half: A 2004 NBC poll found that about 48% of people who answered this question remained friends with their exes at the end of the relationship. For some, friendship with an ex is natural. For others, it's crazy and an invitation to break their hearts again. Your success will depend on your individual personality traits and history in common, but if you're ready to give your ex this chance, read on!
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part One: Gaining Peace After the Breakup
Step 1. Understand that not all exes are suitable for being friends
There are various reasons for not becoming friends with your ex boyfriend. He may still be in love with you - in this case, dating him as mere friends is cruel. The opposite could also occur - if you are still in love with him, it will just be a way to feel bad. Finally, your breakup may have happened because of something so serious that it would be impossible to look at each other again without feeling a grudge. If either of you has been deeply hurt, keep a safe distance from each other.
Even if he's a quiet, emotionally stable type, and your history doesn't have any open wounds yet, you may just not want to see your ex anymore. This is fine. Exes don't necessarily have to be friends
Step 2. Give it time
Even the most loyal breakups can be the cause of difficult feelings on both sides. Immediately after a breakup, he may be sad or angry. Now is not the time to turn to him as a friend. Wait until your emotional waters have subsided before moving on.
- Likewise, listen to your heart. If you still have pending anger or feel a little depressed, give yourself some time to settle down before making yourself felt.
- The time you spend apart from each other after a breakup will probably depend on the circumstances of the breakup itself. For more turbulent breakups it may take months or even years before your feelings have calmed down to the point where a normal friend relationship is possible.
Step 3. Work on yourself
The period after a breakup is a great opportunity for reflection and self-improvement. After you have allowed some time to pass for your emotions to stabilize, you can start dedicating to yourself that time that you used to spend with your boyfriend. Indulge in your hobbies or school. Spend time trying to learn a new skill. Do what you like to do, alone or with friends. By improving yourself, you are also reinvigorating your self-confidence and your sense of trust, which will make it easier to start new friendships (and, simultaneously, love relationships).
After a couple of weeks of self-improvement, you may find that you don't even think about your ex anymore! This will make it easier both to start a new friendship phase with him and to ignore him completely - whatever your choice
Step 4. Get in touch
After really spending some time alone, and when you feel ready to take the initiative, call, send a message, an e-mail or somehow contact your ex. Test if things have calmed down gently - you may want to talk to one of his friends first to figure out how emotional he is. Keep things as light as possible - don't talk about your past relationship or breakup. Simply say that you haven't seen him for some time and would like to meet him without obligation. If you really got over history, this should be the truth!
- If your ex doesn't respond right away to your attempts to contact him, don't immediately try again. He may not have gotten over the relationship as quickly as he did to you. Give it more time.
- Whatever you do, don't leave dozens of messages on his cell phone! If you feel tempted to do so, then you are certainly not ready for a friendship yet.
Method 2 of 3: Part Two: Starting a New Friendship
Step 1. Spend time with him (cautiously)
Date your ex at small social events. At the beginning, keep these outings short and moderate - a trip to the bar or an art gallery, for example. Keep your time busy (or at least give the impression that you do). If the situation becomes embarrassing, you can always use the excuse of being late for something else to escape the situation!
Decidedly, do not do anything with him that could be considered a date. Don't be late with him, don't drink alcohol or go dancing. You could fall back on it again, and if you haven't fixed the things that led you to break it, you're just laying the groundwork for another broken heart. Even worse, you could ruin another love story that one of you has just started with another person.
Step 2. Be direct in telling him that you want to be friends
Your ex may be confused about your intentions if you are not perfectly clear with him about what you want. Just say "I hope we can still be friends" or ask "We're still friends, right?" Don't leave this unfinished - if you're vague about what you want from your new relationship, he may think you're trying to get back together. Save yourself this terrible drama by trying to be open and honest with him from the start.
Step 3. Don't pretend that nothing has changed
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to act like nothing happened after the breakup. By doing so, you will give the impression that you never cared about it. It can really hurt her feelings - at this point, that shouldn't be something you're trying to do. After getting in touch with him, you recognize that there has been a breakup without dwelling on it. You could try to use phrases like these:
- "I'm so happy to see you again."
- "I really hope you're better, I'm better."
- "I want to go on and start over as friends."
Step 4. Tell other people that you are just friends
If his friends knew about your backstory, they'll be curious about what's going on. If you have any reason to suspect that he won't be honest with his friends, don't let him tell them a lie. Tell them you are trying to be friends with him and nothing more. If they hear from him that you are desperately trying to get back together with him but then you tell them that you are not, they will probably think (and have reason to think) that he is the one desperate.
- This has an added benefit - he will likely talk to his friends, and they will tell him that you said your relationship is just about friendship. If he sees that you are defining your relationship in platonic terms in the presence of other people, he will have a greater incentive to respect your opinion.
- If you have a new boyfriend or he has a new girlfriend, be sure to make your friends' intentions explicit with these people right away. Even if that were the case, feelings of jealousy could be inevitable - if so, you'll have to weigh them against your new friendship with your ex.
Step 5. Show that you still care about him
Make sure he knows he can still turn to you when he's feeling down. If he's had a bad day, talk to him. Show him that you still care about his feelings. However, do this as a friend would do - don't hold his hand, don't hug him or do anything else that could awaken old feelings. Instead, offer to talk to him - often, he will appreciate being able to talk about his problems with someone who understands him well.
At the same time, let him (with respect) show that he still cares about you. It probably is. Accept his good wishes and talk to him if you need to, but don't let him use your vulnerability as an excuse to break into your heart again
Method 3 of 3: Part Three: Making a Rediscovered Relationship Last
Step 1. Try to recognize the signs that he is still in love with you
It is difficult for anyone to suddenly see a person who previously loved one another as a platonic friend. Some people just can't do it. If your ex boyfriend exhibits any of the following behaviors, you may want to consider giving him more time to move on:
- Calling or texting you regularly for no specific reason
- Talk to your friends all the time
- Making inappropriate, overly intimate jokes or references
- Bringing up things related to your past relationship
- Touching or rubbing with you, accidentally or not
Step 2. Explain things very clearly to your new boyfriend
If you have a new boyfriend after breaking up with your ex, the situation becomes substantially more complex. Even the most understanding boyfriend in the world will surely be a little jealous at first. Some may never stop being jealous. The best thing you can do is to explain clearly and calmly that you are no longer in love with your ex. Explain to your boyfriend that you only love him and that you are just trying to have a harmless and harmless fun with your ex - nothing more. Make it very explicit that you no longer think (even better if you say you can't think) of your ex "that way".
- Your ex will have to have the same conversation with his new girlfriend if he has one.
- Don't do anything that will give your new boyfriend a reason to get suspicious of some dirty trick. For example, don't be later than expected until he is comfortable with the fact that you are still dating your ex. However, if your new boyfriend is being paranoid about your new friendship (texting you all the time for updates when you're in the company of your ex, etc.) it's okay for you to blame him. If you haven't given him any reason not to trust you, you deserve your trust.
Step 3. Don't fall back into the same old situations
If you want to be friends with an ex, don't repeat the things you used to do when you were dating him. If you do, it's an invitation to inappropriate feelings of infidelity (if you have a new boyfriend) and you are paving the way for a relapse and possible broken heart. Start over - take the opportunity to experience new views and activities as friends.
- Avoid places you used to hang out - don't go to the restaurant where you used to have breakfast or the bar where you first met.
- Refuse to participate in the activities you used to do together - if he invites you to feed the ducks at the park like you used to do every Sunday, tell him you'd rather see him for coffee.
Step 4. Make sure you and your ex aren't hurting each other yet
Initial interactions with your ex might be nervous, but if you're lucky, this will soon give way to polite friendliness. Once you let your guard down, however, you may find that one or both of you still have emotional wounds. Deep-rooted feelings of betrayal and a broken heart can take time to surface. If you find yourself facing this sort of thing, it could be a sign that you and your ex aren't ready to be friends yet.
- If you become sad or angry when you are around your ex despite both showing that you are happy from the outside, or if you continually have the feeling that you want to tell him much more than you can politely say, your problems may not be solved yet. Take some time away from your friendship.
- At the same time, if he seems moody or irritable or doesn't talk to you about anything important despite his desire to meet you, he is probably still thinking about your past relationship and / or the things that led you to break up. You can ask him if this is the case, but be careful as this could push him into irrational anger or sadness.
Step 5. Let your relationship gradually deepen
Over time, you may get closer again. Take it easy - let your friendship mature when it comes naturally. Set stakes early - things you wouldn't do or talk about with this person - and only push the boundaries when you're sure you can trust them.
Likewise, chances are you'll find that you don't like being friends with your ex! In this case, just stop dating him, but be aware - he may not give up so easily. Embarrassing feelings of morbid attachment are, unfortunately, a real possibility when you try to establish a friendly relationship with an ex
Advice
- Make jokes and make him smile.
- If you both go to the same school, try to work in a group with him on a project. Group work will bring you closer.
- Talk to him like you would your best friend.
- If someone asks you what's going on between you, it's a golden opportunity to say "Oh, we're friends". This will get you exactly where you want to be.
Warnings
- Never talk to him about old times, as this could lead to awkward moments in conversation with him and could undermine your goal.
- Don't try to be friends with him if he did something bad to you to end the relationship. This will make you look like someone who wants to seek revenge.
- Based on how bad the relationship ended, you may not be able to be friends with him again.
