Making friends and influencing people is more than just a subject for a successful self-help book. A goal shared by almost all of us, it requires patience, practice and a strong character. Here's how to get there!
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Cure the Appearance
Step 1. Dress well
Let's take the example of the costumes. People wear them to communicate an immediate image to others, be it a zombie, a firefighter or a bride. The truth is, all we wear is a costume, including everyday clothes. They say so much about us. Use clothing to project a clear image of yourself, full of self-confidence, happiness and stability.
This means that you will need to wear clean clothes, of the right size and coordinated with each other both in terms of style and color. This will show that you like yourself enough not to neglect your look and that you are responsible for keeping it and confident in not hiding it
Step 2. Maintain good personal hygiene
You will shake hands with many people and you will always be surrounded by people. If you don't have a pleasant smell, you will have a hard time winning over others. Shower, floss, wash your face, comb or brush your hair, and put on deodorant every morning. If you are a man, trim your nails and keep your beard trimmed or shave.
If you are a woman, shave off, even if you don't feel like it. Having unwanted hair lowers your pleasantness index and gives the impression of poor discipline
Step 3. Take care of your hair, of any length and type
Visit your hairdresser or barber regularly to get them trimmed. Go for classic cuts.
Step 4. Take care of your belongings, especially your home and car (if you have one)
You may have unexpected guests, and when you are out and about in your car, people can easily see how you hold it. Furthermore, ordering the space around you also improves your inner life.
- The car should be washed once a month, especially to clean the seats and floor mats, and undergo a regular check to change the oil and check the tires. The bike must also be washed about once a month (or more if it tends to get very dirty) and the wheels must be inflated twice a year.
- Your home should be as clean as possible. Wash the dishes and clean the kitchen once a day to prevent dirt from building up. Do the washing machine when you need it and fold clean clothes. If you have a garden, rake it regularly. Keep the driveway clean too.
Step 5. Check your body language, a powerful means of communication between people
It is difficult to lie with our body, which communicates our true emotional states. Observing a person's body language tells us a lot about them and that is why you need to learn to analyze it.
- Body language is complex and very context sensitive. The same movement or the same posture can have a different meaning depending on the individual, where and when. In addition to trying to pick up on these nuances, try to make your body language easy to read. Check what you can and ignore everything else.
- Move confidently and without hesitation, but not quickly or abruptly. Your body will need to communicate an aura of security. When you shake someone's hand, do it vigorously: there are many who notice this aspect of a person. Walk at your own pace without proceeding cautiously or hunched over. Let your arms swing as you walk.
- Watch your posture. This advice may make you think about the reproaches of your elementary school teacher, but it should not be overlooked. Your shoulders should be slightly behind your chest, avoiding hunching over. The neck should continue in the line of the spine, without dropping the chin. Proper posture not only demonstrates confidence and self-esteem, it also allows you to breathe better and reduces the risk of chronic back pain when you get older.
- Use your face to your advantage. If the eyes are the window on the soul, the face is a door to be opened. Always smile in a genuine way, look your interlocutor in the eye and show sincerity and empathy. People prefer to be in the company of those who smile and laugh often rather than those who constantly appear distant or serious.
Step 6. Be active
Even an unhealthy body starts to feel better when you try to reinvigorate it. Get regular physical activity and eat enough. If you can't get organized, remember that even minimal effort is preferable to no commitment. A few minutes of exercise after waking up or coming home from work will help you maintain your posture, control your body language and have more energy.
Method 2 of 2: Conquering Hearts and Minds
Step 1. Dust off classical rhetoric
Great speakers come and go, but few have left an impressive mark on the Western world. One of these is Aristotle. His approach to rhetoric, dating back over 2,000 years, is still one of the most useful in maximizing the art of persuading someone. The Greek philosopher divides the elements of any persuasive argument into three vital parts. By combining them all harmoniously, you can come up with an argument that will be difficult to resist.
- Create the backbone of the argument with the logos, that is, the clarity, organization and internal uniformity of what you will say. A speech based on logos cannot generate misunderstandings and anyone who tries to disagree with you will make a fool of yourself.
- Add credibility by employing ethos - the ethical foundation of argumentation - which is usually reflected in the tone and style of speech and through your character presence and reputation (if you are lucky enough to have one). Speeches that use ethos never create doubts about your personal beliefs and make it clear that you know what you are talking about, and therefore can be trusted.
- Finish conquering your listeners with the pathos, the part of the argument that allows you to connect to the private life of the audience, their experiences, their feelings and their imagination. By communicating empathic emotions to your listener, your subject will belong as much to you as to your audience, encouraging them to feel personally involved in your words.
Step 2. Practice active listening
Nothing will make people like you more than the ability to sit quietly and watch their lips move. You will need to use certain techniques to show your attention. With practice, they will become a natural part of your communicative repertoire.
- When an appropriate pause occurs, even in the middle of a sentence, make a small sound, such as "yes" or "mmh-mmh". Don't overdo it, or you'll look impatient. Just do it every now and then.
- When you think of a question that can encourage the speaker to go into detail, ask it. Don't interrupt him while he's talking. This will let him know that you are interested in his words.
- Use the neutral statement. If you are not sure what to think about a story or whether to agree or disagree, base your response on the emotional state of your interlocutor. If she looks at you thinking her story is amazing, agree by saying “Wow, that's absurd” or another phrase that gives you the opportunity to bond without having to take specific sides.
- When the story ends, ask the speaker what he thinks or how he feels. People love to summarize their ideas after telling a long anecdote.
- After the summary, summarize the story too, so the speaker knows you were listening. You can also give your opinion to lead the conversation. For example, let's pretend someone just told you the story of their urgently operated cat. At the end of the story, say “So did your cat really have this medical problem? At least you got him to the vet in time. Damn, I really think (your opinion)”.
- Use personal anecdotes, but in moderation. You are probably trying to show empathy and understanding, so if you talk only about yourself, your interlocutor will think that you are not interested in him.
Step 3. Speak well
Most people think it's impossible to change their voice, but that's not the case. While it is not possible to drastically change it, you still have the option of controlling the overall tone and clarity of the spoken words.
- Sing to learn how to control your voice. One of the best ways to train it is through singing. You don't necessarily have to be good or perform in front of others. Do this in the car or while cleaning your house. Over time, you will gain more control.
- Speak by choosing soft tones and a low register. You shouldn't deepen your voice; imagine you have a larger space in the back of your mouth and throat and fill it when you speak. Do not lead your words through the nose or through a narrow passage of the throat. Go for a full, clear tone for a voice to respect and enjoyable to hear.
- Don't shout when you talk, but don't whisper or mumble, or they won't understand you and you will seem less confident.
Step 4. Use pleasant language
A beautiful voice is not enough. Anyone who has had a fight with a relative or lover knows that there are ways and ways of saying things. By learning some psycholinguistic tricks, you can have your say without making your interlocutor nervous or intimidating, on the contrary, you will make yourself heard.
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Using the first person singular shifts the burden of responsibility onto your shoulders. When arguing with a person, instead of accusing them of making you feel or act in a certain way, opt for a phrase like "When you said / did this, I felt …". It sounds silly, but it works in real life, because it will allow you not to put all the blame on your interlocutor.
For example, instead of saying "That thing you said made me angry", say "When you said that, I was angry." This tactic is to make the other person understand what made you feel bad by explaining it through your feelings, not speaking in terms of guilt
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Using the first person plural makes the other person feel included and relevant. When discussing opportunities, events or teamwork, opt for this pronoun to cement loyalty with your colleagues and with the authorities. For example, instead of asking someone "Do you want to go out with me this weekend?", Say "We should go out together this weekend!". This puts the other person on the same level as you and gives them power over the chance offered.
Empowering people is definitely a perfect method of gaining power as well, as you make them feel much more inclined to bend over and flex when they have to return you a favor, as long as they remember past interactions and your positivity
Step 5. Coordinate your pace with those around you
Hypnotists use this powerful technique to charm people and change their minds or slightly change the rules. This method takes practice.
- Ask the other person simple questions to get them to talk, and as you use your active listening skills, pay special attention to their accent, verbal tics, and sentences in general.
- As the conversation progresses, talk more, but take on the verbal tics and way of expressing the interlocutor. Feel free to imitate his accent too, but don't make a caricature of it. If you talk like him, you will put him at ease and suggest that he can trust you because you are similar to him in some way.
- As soon as you notice something in its body language, copy it. Do you often shift your weight from foot to foot? Drum your finger while waiting for the computer to turn on? You can imitate it to create a more empathic bond.
Step 6. Prove that you are a good person
Support, kindness, enthusiasm, courage and trustworthiness are key traits to exhibit as people look for them in others to build lasting and stable bonds. They are based on sincerity and therefore cannot be faked. However, if you focus on them, you can train yourself to demonstrate them more often and more freely than before.
- Compliment yourself every day. No, that's not silly. Think about your positive characteristics and remind yourself: "I am kind", "I am enthusiastic", etc.
- Take advantage of all possible opportunities to show off your best qualities. Many times, when we feel uncomfortable, we give up the boldest choice in favor of the one that attracts less attention. Fight against this habit by remembering to keep your eyes open whenever you start to feel miserable and to force yourself to be the person everyone wants to know. This is excellent training for your mind, because you will eventually internalize it.
