Most everyone knows what it means to love another person. Feelings of intense desire, admiration, and emotional investment are very familiar to us when addressed to someone else. We constantly strive to nurture our love for others. But what do we know about love for ourselves? For many it may be an absolutely foreign concept. Self-love is a combination of self-acceptance, self-control (different from self-obsession) and self-awareness, respect and kindness. The concept of love for oneself is both theoretical, in the idea of being worthy of respect and kindness, and practical, expressed through gestures of pure compassion and self-support. Put simply, self-love is the practical transformation of the more theoretical self-esteem.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Improving your Inner Dialogue
Step 1. Overcome negative beliefs about yourself
Many people have a hard time letting go of negative thoughts about themselves. Often these beliefs come from third parties, especially from people we give a lot of credit to and in whom we usually seek love and acceptance.
Step 2. Avoid perfectionism
There are many who, speaking of themselves, cannot accept anything below perfection. If you find yourself chasing perfection and treating yourself harshly every time you fail to achieve it, take three simple steps. Give up your current way of thinking, then focus on the effort required to achieve your goal and then start practicing it consistently.
Shifting the focus from the final goal (often assessed in terms of "perfection") to the effort required to achieve it (difficult to quantify in terms of "perfection") will help you appreciate the excellent work done
Step 3. Eliminate negative filters
Focusing only on the wrong things is a bad habit. By focusing excessively on the negative or less favorable events in your life, you only magnify them and give them more importance than they deserve. If you find yourself constantly complaining about bad things happening to you, try to find evidence to the contrary; it is very unlikely that there is not even one thing that is right.
Step 4. Never speak to yourself in an offensive way
By insulting yourself, you only reduce yourself to something you don't like.
- Saying "I am such a failure" after being fired is inappropriate and unfair to you. Instead, he makes a useful comment "I lost my job, but I can take advantage of this experience to be able to find and keep another one".
- Saying "I'm really stupid" is equally false and an understatement. If you are feeling stupid, it is most likely because you are missing information about something. He then formulates a constructive thought, such as "I don't know how to handle this simple repair. Maybe I could sign up for a course and learn how to do it if it happens again."
Step 5. Don't assume the worst can happen
It's easy to convince yourself that every situation will go exactly the way it doesn't have to. However, by changing your inner dialogue and trying to be as sincere and realistic as possible, you will be able to stop generalizing or exaggerating any event in negative terms.
Step 6. Rewrite your inner script
When you realize that you are addressing negative thoughts to yourself, stop to identify the feeling and recognize its source, then formulate a new statement by rewriting your thinking in more positive terms.
- For example, in case you forgot to send an important work email, you may find that you are thinking "I'm really stupid! How could I have forgotten?".
- Stop that flow of thoughts and come up with new ones "Right now I feel stupid for forgetting to send that email. When I forgot something important as a child, my father told me I was stupid. The words that resonate in the my head is yours, not mine. " Then, continue thinking "I am a competent worker who made a human error, and from now on I will make sure to create reminders for myself. This time I will send that email with an apology for the delay."
Part 2 of 4: Training Love for Yourself
Step 1. List your positive qualities and reflect on them daily
For those who tend to constantly think badly of themselves, this may not be an easy task, but make the effort to identify at least one positive attribute each week. At the end of each day, re-read the entire list and think.
- Make a list that is as specific as possible. Instead of describing yourself using generic adjectives, try to list specific actions or characteristics that tell who you are and what you do.
- For example, instead of just saying, "I am generous," you can write "Whenever a friend is in trouble, I give her a small gift chosen from the heart to show her my love. This behavior makes me generous."
- As you reread and reflect on your list, remember that every entry, however insignificant it may seem, is a reason why you are deserving of respect and love.
Step 2. Give yourself the gift of time
Don't feel guilty for wanting to spend time reflecting on yourself and your own life. It is important that you decide to give yourself time and permission to love yourself. In doing so, you will likely find that you are able to give others more quality hours as well.
Step 3. Celebrate and reward yourself
This is the fun part of loving yourself: rewarding yourself! If you have reached a meaningful destination, celebrate your success by taking yourself to dinner at your favorite elegant restaurant. Think about the hard work you've been doing for days on end, and find a reason to reward yourself with something you enjoy. Get that new book or video game you've been eyeing for a long time. Pamper yourself with a long, warm, candlelit bath. Go fishing with friends or treat yourself to a relaxing massage.
Step 4. Develop a plan that allows you to deal with setbacks or negativity
Notice what keeps you from loving yourself and decide how to deal with those obstacles. Understand that you cannot control the words and actions of others, but you can master your own responses and reactions.
- You may notice that negative comments made by a particular person, such as a parent or your boss, send you into a spiral of negativity. If this happens frequently, it will be important to try to highlight the reasons.
- Decide how to deal with your negative thoughts. You may need to give yourself a meditative break or stop and breathe. Acknowledge your feelings and reframe your negative reactions by reminding yourself of your worth.
Step 5. See a therapist
Exploring your negative thoughts and identifying the causes that trigger your emotions can bring to light feelings and memories of the past that are difficult to manage.
- A therapist who is experienced in managing past painful experiences can help you heal without forcing you to relive unhappy experiences.
- An experienced therapist's office can be the perfect place to learn how to productively manage your negative thoughts and recognize your positive qualities.
Step 6. Repeat positive affirmations daily
Identify positive thoughts that will help you feel better and repeat them every day. At first, you may think this is a poor method, but the new habit will allow positive thoughts to penetrate deeply and, over time, you will find that you begin to really believe in what you are saying.
- A valid positive affirmation to promote love for yourself is: "I am a whole and deserving individual, I love myself, respect myself and have faith in myself."
- If you notice that affirmations alone do not improve, try seeing a therapist and undergoing a multilevel treatment that also includes additional and different approaches.
Step 7. Do activities that make you feel good
Make a commitment to feel good physically, emotionally and spiritually, for example by opting for exercise and meditation, and keep a positivity diary. Find a routine that makes you feel good and stick to it consistently.
Step 8. Reflect on the effects of loving yourself
As you dedicate yourself to loving and rewarding yourself, you tend to see the benefits of this practice in other areas of life as well. For example, notice if you feel more energetic or if you can be more aware in the presence of others. You may begin to gain more control over the choices you make and your life in general.
Part 3 of 4: Practicing the Loving-Kindness Meditation
Step 1. Understand the loving-kindness meditation
This meditative practice makes you kinder to both yourself and others and can provide you with the tool you need to love yourself effectively.
Step 2. Embrace the meditation principles of loving-kindness
Meditation on loving-kindness will teach you to love without imposing conditions and without creating expectations. It will spur you to love without judgment (yourself… and others).
Often by judging ourselves or others we hurt our personal relationships and create unhappiness in our own mind. Learning to love without judgment means learning to love selflessly
Step 3. Breathe deeply
Start by inhaling slowly and deeply. Sit in a chair in a comfortable position and allow your chest to completely fill with air, expanding from the diaphragm. Then breathe out slowly until your lungs are completely empty.
Step 4. Support yourself with positive affirmations
As you continue to breathe deeply, begin repeating the following affirmations to yourself:
- May I make my dreams come true and live happily ever after.
- May I love others with all my heart.
- May I always be protected and so will my family.
- May I enjoy excellent health and so will my family and friends.
- May I learn to forgive myself and others.
Step 5. Identify your negative reactions to positive affirmations
If you find yourself having negative thoughts as you repeat the previous statements, think about what the triggers are. For example, identify the people you struggle to love unconditionally, then repeat the affirmations with them in mind specifically.
Step 6. Think of a person towards whom you feel a surge of positivity
Repeat the affirmations without stopping to think about it.
Step 7. Think of someone you feel neutral about
Repeat the affirmations while keeping the image vivid in your mind.
Step 8. Allow the positivity that comes with affirmations to pervade you completely
Now repeat the affirmations without thinking of anyone in particular. Just focus on their positivity. Let the positive feelings permeate your every part and send the positivity from yourself to the rest of the planet.
Step 9. Finally repeat a love mantra
After propagating the feelings of positivity in every direction, repeat the following mantra: "May all human beings be and feel joyful, happy and healthy." Repeat this statement five times and feel the words resonate in your body and extend into the universe pervading it in every direction.
Part 4 of 4: Understanding Love for Yourself
Step 1. Recognize the danger of a lack of love for yourself
By not loving yourself enough, you risk making harmful choices. Often a lack of love equates to a lack of self-esteem and leads to self-sabotage, conscious or unconscious, preventing individuals from engaging in supporting and responding to their basic needs.
- When you don't love yourself enough, you tend to be dangerously dependent on someone else's approval. Relying on others to get their consent can push you to neglect your own needs in order to feel accepted.
- A lack of love for yourself can also prevent you from progressing and healing your emotional wounds. One study has shown that those who tend to blame and neglect themselves achieve poor results in psychotherapy.
Step 2. Recognize the role of childhood experiences in the love you make for yourself
From birth, the relationship we have with parents influences our character development; children whose physical, emotional, and mental needs have not been met may have long-term self-esteem problems.
- Often negative messages received in childhood, especially if recurrently, tend to remain etched in our minds and influence our future perception of ourselves.
- For example, a child who has been repeatedly referred to as "apathetic" or "boring" will most likely consider himself to be an apathetic or boring adult, even when the evidence shows otherwise (for example, having many friends, having laughing at people or having a highly interesting lifestyle).
Step 3. Understand how parents can support their children's self-esteem
To improve the self-esteem of your children, in your role as a parent, you can make the following tips your own:
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Listen to your children, in doing so you will increase their self-esteem.
Listening to a chatty child in a distracted way, without really paying attention to what he has to say, can be a great temptation. Only by being truly attentive to his words and interacting with him through comments, answers and questions, will you be able to make him understand that his thoughts are worthy of value
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To stabilize their feelings of self-worth, teach children in a non-aggressive way (without hitting, offending, or scolding them).
For example, in case your baby hits another, you can calmly take him to one side and gently explain to him that you shouldn't hit anyone or risk hurting him. If necessary, you can force him to take a short break from the game to stop and breathe and rearrange his ideas
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To make your children feel worthy of being loved and accepted, offer them warmth, affection, support and respect without judging them.
If your child confesses to you that he is sad for a reason that seems ridiculous to you (such as the fact that the sun is setting), do not belittle his feelings. Let him know that you understand what he is feeling by saying "I understand that you are sad because the sun has gone down", then do your best to explain to him that the situation cannot be changed, for example by saying "The sun must disappear every night because the world turns. and even the people on the other side of the planet need its light and its heat. The night gives us the opportunity to rest and prepare for a new day. " Finally, hug him or show him your physical affection to comfort him and make him understand that, you can't change the situation, but you still want to be close to him
Step 4. Understand how other people's comments affect your love for yourself
You will find yourself facing negativity in your life. Unfortunately, living in a bubble protected from the influence of others' comments and their potential negativity is not possible, so you will have to learn to manage the lack of positivity coming from your partner, boss, parents and even from strangers you meet on the street.
By empowering yourself, you will be able to avoid being swayed by negativity and keep your feelings of self-worth strong
Advice
- Remember that you deserve to be loved. Many people tend to be insecure by forgetting that we are all just human beings, bar none. Trust, always believe in yourself and be optimistic.
- After learning to love yourself better, you may feel compelled to help others love themselves more.
