When you meet someone who is being rude or disrespectful, it's hard to figure out how to react. You may find yourself overwhelmed by a thousand different questions: Should I ignore the person I disrespect? But, in that case, wouldn't I look like a doormat? Is it better that I stand up for myself? But how? Wouldn't it be that I would end up making the situation worse? Read our tips on how to behave in this kind of situation, so you can be ready the next time someone cuts you off at the bar, ignores your needs, or is just hopelessly rude.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Assess the Situation
Step 1. Try to understand if the other person's rude behavior is impersonal and involuntary
Behaving in a disrespectful and rude manner is always annoying and, at times, simply intolerable. Not all rude actions, however, are the same, so your strategy for dealing with these disrespectful behaviors should vary depending on whether the offense is intentional and / or personal or not.
- Let's say, for example, your co-worker drives you crazy by constantly chewing gum in a loud way, or your partner, whistling around the house, makes it impossible for you to concentrate.
- You may find yourself on the verge of losing your temper due to their disrespectful behavior but, in this case, it would be more likely to speak of an "annoying habit". This type of negative habit negatively affects others (in this case, you!) But, in all likelihood, the person in question does not realize what they are doing and certainly does not have an open intention to disrespect you.. You are just unlucky because you are near her at the wrong time.
- Keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to point it out, and how.
Step 2. Find out if the disrespectful behavior is unintentional but personal
With this type of offense the person has no intention of being rude, but his actions are, in any case, expressly directed at you.
- For example, you might be on the verge of giving your self-centered friend the welcome: she invites you to have coffee every week to "chat", but she spends all her time talking about her problems, never caring about you.
- His behavior is certainly self-centered and rude. It is also directed at you personally (as he is not taking your needs into consideration and is using you for his own personal motives), but he is probably not trying to ignore you or intentionally hurt you. He probably doesn't even realize that your conversation is one-sided.
Step 3. Find out if the disrespectful behavior is intentional but impersonal
This type of offensive behavior can be classified as a "violation of the rules". In these cases, the offender knows precisely what he is doing and probably knows that his behavior is wrong (or that others consider it rude). He doesn't care about the rule, or he doesn't fully realize how his behavior reflects negatively on others.
- If someone's disrespectful behavior is intentional and impersonal, it means that even if they intend to behave that way, they're not necessarily trying to specifically offend you.
- For example, the person who cuts your line at the grocery store certainly intends to do so and is aware of the social norms that advise against this behavior, but is not specifically targeting their aggressive attitude at you. She doesn't walk past you because she doesn't like your appearance or dislikes you; either he thinks a rule is stupid, or he thinks his immediate needs are more important than yours.
- Another example could be someone smoking in front of the entrance to a public building. That individual obviously knows that he is smoking and that there are people passing by (and he certainly knows that many people do not like being exposed to secondhand smoke), but he is either not interested in respecting the social norms that advise against smoking near people. others, or has convinced himself that he does not bother anyone.
- Either way, that person probably won't try to blow smoke in your face on purpose.
Step 4. Find out if the disrespectful behavior is intentional and personal
In these cases, the offending person knows exactly what he is doing and you are the intentional object of his behavior. Furthermore, if she were called upon to describe her attitude, she might even admit that she was rude or disrespectful.
- Does your mother, for example, criticize your eating habits every time she comes to visit you? This kind of disrespect is very annoying, as well as intentional and personal: it is personal because it is expressly directed at you and it is also intentional, as long as your mother is aware of what she is saying.
- Keep in mind that, even in these cases, the person may not expressly intend to offend you. Your mom, hopefully, isn't commenting on your second dessert because she wants to mortify you, but because she intends to offer you advice (although she would describe it as "loving concern").
Method 2 of 3: Check Your Reaction To Disrespectful Behavior
Step 1. Don't automatically jump to a negative conclusion
By analyzing the previous steps you will be able to understand why the other person is behaving in an offensive and disrespectful way, but it is not always easy to judge whether someone's rude behavior is intentional or personal. In some cases we may be tempted to think the worst of others. Doing so, however, will only increase our frustration and anger even though we should instead try to temper our negative feelings.
- While we're willing to admit that the person who skipped the line, for example, wasn't trying to annoy us in a personal way, it's hard not to immediately think “What an idiot! That guy only thinks of yourself”. Of course it's entirely possible that that guy "is" an idiot, but it's also possible that he didn't see you.
- The person who crossed your path while driving was certainly being reckless and dangerous, but before you lose your temper, think that they may have just received some terrible news and that they may be rushing to the hospital.
- Your co-worker may be driving you crazy chewing gum, but before you think they only care about themselves, you might consider that they may continue to chew gum to quit smoking or to manage an anxiety problem.
Step 2. Do your best to put yourself in the other person's shoes
Just as you shouldn't think the worst in people right away, even those who behave exceptionally rude, you should also try to put yourself in their shoes. Do your best to empathize with their situation so that you understand their behavior.
- The waiter at your favorite restaurant, for example, may be curt and rude when taking your order, but look around: Is the restaurant busier than normal? Does it seem to you that there are few service people? Even if you don't see any signs that explain this rough treatment, remember that he does a stressful and demanding job, where he is required to handle the demands of many people at the same time, usually for a rather low pay.
- We are not saying that recognizing why the waiter is rude justifies his behavior, but trying to understand and sympathize with him will help us overcome the offense.
- Even when you are sure that the other person's actions are intentional and personal (such as your mother's criticism of your eating habits), the situation will improve if you try to understand the other person and put yourself in their shoes. Your mother's criticism hurts you and this shouldn't be underestimated, but try to understand why she's making those comments - you may find that your anger will be lessened.
- If, for example, your mother has had weight or self-esteem issues in the past, she may be pouring out her insecurities on you.
Step 3. Ignore rude behavior if possible
At this point, for example, you may have realized that the disrespectful behavior that annoys you is unintentional and impersonal. In this case, you may decide that it makes no sense to confront the other person; after all, you realized that she wasn't trying to offend you personally and that she may not even have noticed what she was doing. Even in cases of a more serious rudeness (such as intentional and personal offenses), however, there could be good reasons to ignore the person who is bothering us.
- We may think that it is important to defend ourselves and face those who behave in a wrong, rude and offensive way; We may have been taught that asserting ourselves is a sign of self-confidence, while ignoring these actions is a symptom of weakness or lack of self-esteem. We may even think that if we fail to deal with those who offend us, our frustration will increase.
- On the contrary, there are reasons to ignore disrespectful behavior as much as possible since by doing so we will improve our mental health. In fact, some recent studies suggest that participants who are able to ignore rude people, instead of interacting with them or comparing them, are more able to carry out cognitive tasks later on. It seems that distancing oneself and ignoring those who disrespect us is a good strategy for protecting oneself and maintaining one's peace and general calm.
Step 4. Try to understand what you cannot tolerate
It is not possible to ignore all disrespectful behavior. It's easy enough to avoid the counter of a grumpy bank employee, but if your coworkers are still chatting loudly outside your office door, for example, you may need to develop a strategy for dealing with them.
- Think carefully about whether you can make small changes to your habits to avoid the person who is bothering you. For example, if your whistling partner annoys you while you try to work, can't you just move to a quieter room or put on earplugs?
- You shouldn't be the only one to change your behavior, but remember that it is easier to change ourselves than others. The most important part of solving a problem with a rude person is up to us: there are no guarantees that we can push others to change their habits.
- If we are able to understand how not to be disturbed by others, how to escape annoying situations or how to change our environment, it will be possible to solve the problem in an easier way.
- However, it's about finding a balance: you shouldn't always be the only one to give something, especially if the disrespectful behavior comes from a friend, loved one, colleague or someone in your circle of acquaintances who you don't want, or can't, cut out of your life.
Method 3 of 3: Confront the Other Person
Step 1. Don't be impulsive
Now that you have decided to deal with disrespectful people, remember that it is important to approach the situation with caution. Releasing your anger will only put the other person on the defensive and increase the tension between you.
- When you have decided to talk to the other person, try to avoid accusing them. Instead of responding to your mother's criticism by saying "you are such a hag who can do nothing but criticize", try to formulate the sentence by drawing attention to what you feel: "Mom, I feel judged and uncomfortable when you comment on what I eat ".
- It goes without saying that you shouldn't insult anyone. You might think that a rude waiter is an idiot (or worse), but calling him that way won't do any good and will make you look like an idiot in your turn.
Step 2. Be direct, but kind
When you decide to confront the person about his behavior, do not turn around the subject and do not assume a passive aggressive attitude. Identify the problem clearly and explicitly explain what you need.
- Your partner may, sooner or later, realize that you are annoyed if you sigh loudly and repeatedly every time he whistles past you, but he may just think that you are frustrated with your job (or he may be so into his whistle that you don't. not even notice).
- You will be able to resolve the situation faster and more effectively if you calmly and kindly explain your frustration, in the least accusatory way: "Honey, I don't know if you realize you're whistling, but I'm having a hard time concentrating on my project.. Would you mind doing it only when you are in the kitchen and living room?”.
- If your coworkers continue to gossip outside your office, slamming the door in anger may make them move, but it won't improve your relationship with any of them.
- Instead, try to come out of the office and address them with the following sentence: "Guys, sorry if I am a spoilsport, but I have a customer online; you would really do me a favor if you could move a little further. Thanks!"
Step 3. Go directly to the person who has offended you, if possible
If you are frustrated with a waiter, colleague, or relative, it is best to try to resolve the situation directly with him before trying other avenues. If you go around the person to complain, you risk increasing the hostility that exists between you, potentially exposing the other person to a more severe punishment than you would have thought, and in turn falling victim to a probable reprisal.
- You may be deeply offended by a waiter's rude attitude, but before asking to speak to his boss (and after deciding that it is necessary to deal with this type of behavior), do your best to resolve the situation directly with him. If, for example, he loosely throws the plates in front of you without saying a word, try saying, “You look annoyed. Have we done something to offend you?”.
- Even if he was just a bad waiter, he might not have noticed that he was taking out his frustration with another table on you. Going straight to his boss, he could be severely punished, or even fired.
- Similarly, by going to your boss right away and complaining about the co-worker chewing gum, you may be able to stop the abusive behavior, but if you haven't talked to the co-worker first, you will make a petty figure in front of your boss and appear as a person. unable to handle her own problems alone. Also, if it is possible to trace the complaint back to you, you will have helped fuel negative feelings between you and your co-worker.
- Obviously it is not possible to deal directly with all disrespectful behaviors; in some cases it may be necessary to ask for the help of a superior. When discussing your problems with the person who is bothering you, be sure to keep track of the conversation (by creating time and date reminders or forwarding the discussion to you via email) in case the situation escalates rather than resolves.
- If the other person responds with hostility, or if the offensive behavior does not stop after you have tried to resolve with dialogue, do not hesitate to contact a superior (a manager, the boss, etc.).
Step 4. Kill them with kindness
The Golden Rule is always "treat others as you would like to be treated". It's a great principle to follow for more than one reason - it prompts us to treat others with respect and kindness, which is good in itself, but it's also a great guide to conduct because it will increase our chances of getting what we want.. In fact, when we are kind to others, they will tend to be kinder to us in turn. If you are trying to deal with someone who is being rude and disrespectful, instead of getting angry or responding to their aggression, try responding with a smile or a kind word. This unexpected response will very often surprise the person and force them to abandon their negative behavior.
- If, for example, a colleague pretends not to see you every morning when taking the elevator together, dazzle him with your best smile by saying "Good morning, Gianni!".
- Who knows: maybe he's not a morning person, maybe he's suffering from social anxiety, or maybe he's a real idiot. However, he may behave more friendly after you start greeting him enthusiastically, and if not, his bad behavior will be highlighted, while your skills will only emerge.
