Validating someone's feelings means recognizing them and admitting their importance; in any healthy relationship, it is important to validate a person's feelings when they are upset: start by listening and responding in a simple way, then try to be as empathetic as possible; you don't necessarily have to agree with someone's feelings or choices to recognize the validity of their emotions.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Listen and Respond
Step 1. Give verbal responses to show that you are listening
Emotional validation starts with simply listening: it is important to give short verbal responses to assure the interlocutor that you are following his speech, then say something like: "Okay", "Ah-ha" and "I understand" while speaking, so that feel listened to.
Step 2. Use your body language to show that you listen
Look at the interlocutor, turn your head or your whole body towards him while he is talking and stop doing whatever else you were doing to let him know that you are attentive and present.
- If you do something else while listening, such as folding laundry or cooking, look at the person from time to time and use other clues, such as eye contact, to show that you are paying attention to what they say.
- If your body language is affected by a disability, you can always demonstrate that you are listening by giving alternative signals as needed (for example, you could make a hand gesture while looking at the other person) or by simply explaining that you are listening although your non-verbal language is different.
Step 3. Be there
The easiest way to validate other people's emotions is to be supportive, even when their feelings are difficult and unpleasant: put aside your discomfort to focus solely on being there for him or her. Here are some ways to show you're listening:
- Hold him by the hand;
- Look him in the eye;
- Sit next to him and stroke his back;
- Say: "I'm here".
Step 4. Respond to his general mood and emotional charge
If a person is excited, be happy or excited too and show understanding if they are sad; if he is nervous, comfort him and try to be understanding, because he will feel understood if you also reflect his emotionality.
For example, if your best friend is very excited about his first date with a new flame, he might appreciate that you are excited and happy too; however, if he is still insecure and you are too excited, he may feel overwhelmed, so it is important to understand how energetic or enthusiastic a person is
Step 5. Ask clarifying questions
When a person finishes speaking, ask questions to clarify so they can explain their thoughts and feelings so that they feel fully heard.
For example, say something like "So how did that make you feel?" or "What do you think?"
Step 6. Repeat his words
Once your interlocutor has finished expressing his thoughts and feelings, repeat what he said, even if it seems silly to you, because it serves to demonstrate that you have listened and understood; for example, you might say:
- "So, you're annoyed that the professor warned you so late";
- "Damn, you look really excited!";
- "It must have been hard";
- "Tell me if I understand correctly: do you feel hurt because my brother made fun of you for your speech impediment and I didn't say anything?".
Step 7. Commit to talking less and listening more
You may have a lot of things to say about a person's feelings and opinions; however, you must first commit to listening when someone speaks, avoiding interrupting or intervening until they conclude, even if you think your inputs are useful.
Avoid giving advice at this stage, as you may seem like a person who gives superficial answers or who hasn't understood other people's feelings. Just concentrate on listening and being there for the interlocutor: he will get his idea of the situation simply by seeing that you listen to him
Method 2 of 3: Empathizing With Others
Step 1. Help him explain his feelings
Once your interlocutor has finished speaking, try to help him process his emotions by saying things like, "I guess you feel pretty hurt, right?" to show him that you care about his feelings and that you try to help him.
If your impressions are correct, he will probably respond by saying "Yes, in fact …" and explain his feelings to you, otherwise he will say "No, actually …" and explain how he really feels; in any case, you will give him a chance to process and process the facts
Step 2. Tell about your similar experience
If possible, show solidarity and approval to the other person by citing a similar experience and explaining how you felt in that case, thus affirming how understandable their feelings are.
For example, if a friend hasn't been invited to his sister's vacation, you might say, "Yeah, loneliness is really bad. My brother goes camping every year with my cousin and he never invites me. I feel bad and feel. excluded. I fully understand how down you feel about not being involved in your sister's project. It's not at all nice to be excluded."
Step 3. Make him understand that his reaction is completely normal
Even if you haven't had a similar experience, you can always validate the other person's feelings by saying something like "I think anyone would feel that way in that situation" to show that you think their reactions are plausible and that they have a right to have certain feelings. Try phrases like the following:
- "It's normal to be afraid of the vaccine. Nobody likes to get them";
- "It is understandable that you are afraid of asking your boss for a promotion. These are situations that would intimidate anyone";
- "I understand, no wonder you don't feel like going out today."
Step 4. Recognize his personal history
You can also help your interlocutor by recognizing the effect of their personal story on their emotions, which is especially useful if someone is afraid of being irrational or unreasonable; however, even if a person overreacts, you still need to help them understand that they have a right to have those feelings. Try saying something like:
- "Given how Maria treated you, I fully understand why you don't want to go out with anyone. There is still a lot to recover from";
- "After the last ride on the roller coaster, I understand why you don't feel like getting on this merry-go-round. Let's try the carousel instead?";
- "Since you were bitten by a dog last year, I understand why you feel anxious about your neighbor having a new dog."
Method 3 of 3: Avoid Responses That Are Not Valid
Step 1. Don't correct people's thoughts
Never try to correct a person's thoughts or feelings, especially when they are agitated; if someone is acting irrationally, you may be tempted to correct them, but the result would only be to deny their feelings.
For example, don't say, "This isn't worth getting angry about"; it is normal that you may disagree with a person's reaction, but listening does not mean consenting: it only means validating his feelings; conversely, say instead "I understand that such a thing makes you angry" or "You look really furious"
Step 2. Don't give unsolicited advice
Often, when someone talks to you about a problem, they just want to be heard, so stop before opening your mouth to say "Forget it" or "Find the bright side." Instead, listen carefully to what he tells you by focusing on understanding, because he will have to process his emotions first.
- When you want to help someone, you must first listen to them and then you can ask them if and how you can be of help.
- If you're not sure, try asking, "Are you reaching out to me because you want advice or just to let off steam?"
Step 3. Make sure you have the right attitude
You can't always support a person, so choose the best strategy; for example, if you are unable to empathize personally, do not compare, but offer generic forms of confirmation.
For example, if a friend is stressed out because of the divorce but you have never been in that situation, don't try to show direct empathy by talking about when you broke up with your boyfriend, but rather express a more general thought, such as: "Your state of mind is fully understandable. Coping with divorce is tough for many people."
Step 4. Avoid blaming
Never blame a person for their feelings, especially when they are very upset, because it is as if you are denying the validity of them. Avoid responses such as the following:
- "Complaining is useless. Behave like a man and face the problem";
- "You're exaggerating";
- "So, you decided to get mad at your best friend. What did you solve?";
- "Well, maybe he wouldn't have done that to you if you weren't wearing such a short skirt."
Step 5. Don't try to "minimize" his feelings
Minimizing means denying any unpleasant feeling and pretending it doesn't exist. For instance:
- "Come on, it's not that bad";
- "It is not a big deal";
- "We remain positive";
- "In the end it all works out! Don't worry";
- "Be stronger";
- "See the bright side".
Step 6. Don't try to change the feelings of others
Sometimes, people try at all costs to alleviate the suffering of loved ones simply because they are saddened to see them afflicted; Although they are motivated by good intentions, such actions do not help others feel better in the long run, in fact, they may make them feel guilty that they are still unhappy despite your best efforts.
- If you want to help someone, listen to the whole story and indulge their feelings as they open up to you, then ask them how you could help them or ask them to consider different solutions.
- If the person wants your help in considering various solutions, be sure not to tell them what to do; for example, instead of saying "You should leave him," say instead "Personally, I tend to push away the people I don't want in my life and focus on the ones that matter," so he can decide whether to follow your example or not.
