Many people have experienced a relationship breakup with a partner, but breaking up with a friend can be even more difficult. When you know that an argument cannot be resolved or that you no longer have much in common, it's time to pull the plug. You can let the friendship wane naturally, have a confrontation with your friend, or cut the relationship abruptly. However, try to be ready to deal with the feelings you will experience when the relationship is over.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Confront the Person
Step 1. Agree on a time and place to meet
When you want to clarify with someone why you no longer want them to be friends, you might want to have a face-to-face conversation. Parks and bars are suitable for breakups because they are neutral, public locations. Even if things do get emotional during the conversation, both of you will likely be able to keep things within bounds if you're in a public place.
- Avoid planning a long meal together, as you may be ready to leave before the food even arrives.
- If you don't want to have a meeting in person, you can break the friendship with your friend over the phone. Avoid texting, as this makes it harder to fully express yourself and have a real conversation.
- Don't break up with your friend in front of people you both know. This could be deeply embarrassing and painful.
Step 2. Tell your friend why you are ending your friendship
Express yourself simply. Has your friend been in a relationship with your girlfriend? Does it constantly keep you at a distance? Whatever the reason, now is the time to explain. Explaining exactly your motives is a brave thing to do, and in the end the person will likely be pleased to hear what happened.
There is a situation where being direct isn't the kindest way to end a friendship. If you really don't like this person anymore and through no fault of him, there's really no reason to say it out loud. If that's the case, let the friendship naturally fade
Step 3. Give your friend a chance to talk
Your friend might get defensive, apologize, or mix both of them after the confrontation. You could listen to him, in case there was an infinitesimal possibility, even the most insignificant, that you, after all, want to remain his friend. If there is some kind of misunderstanding, you will find out. If not, proceed with the removal process.
Step 4. Set boundaries
Maybe you want to cut off the relationship here and now for a good reason or maybe it's okay to keep seeing this person every now and then in a group setting. Either way, you need to be very clear that it is about breaking up your relationship and that, from now on, things will be different. Make your boundaries clear right away, so you won't be tempted to retrace your steps later.
- If you really don't want to talk to him again, explain to the person that you won't stay in touch and that you don't even want to hear from him.
- If it's okay to hang out with him in a group, but you don't want to talk to him face to face, you'd better say that too. You can also tell him that you may be willing to renew the friendship later, but only if you really believe it, otherwise this person may keep trying to get in touch, while you, in reality, just want to be left alone. Be crystal clear about your expectations so your former friend doesn't get confused.
Step 5. Stick to your boundaries
If the person tries to contact you multiple times, don't respond. You explained yourself, you listened to it and now any obligation as a friend is over. Just like when you end a romantic relationship, breaking up with a friend also means you don't have to feel like you need to be with that person anymore.
This is easier said than done. If your former friend is truly upset, it may be extremely difficult to ignore his calls and texts. If you are serious about breaking this friendship, don't let this person cross your borders. You would give her the wrong impression and make things more difficult in the future
Method 2 of 3: Let It Fade Naturally
Step 1. If you are moving away, do not oppose this attitude
The 'soft' method is suitable for the situation in which you and your friend are simply moving away. Perhaps there is no concrete reason why you don't like this person anymore; you are only interested in other things and other people. Start spending your time as you see fit, dating other people, and pursuing activities you enjoy. Your friend will probably do the same and you can start walking away very quietly, without major problems.
Step 2. Stop calling and texting your friend
To break up a friendship, you need to slow down communication. Stop connecting with your friend to make common plans or just to talk. Don't start online chats, sms conversations and cut off any other contact. You will still be able to chat when you see each other in person, like when you go out with the same group of friends, but try to avoid unnecessary contact.
- When two friends are naturally ready to separate, it is not difficult to make contact less frequent. You will probably both have other things to do, so it won't be a great sacrifice to avoid talking more than necessary.
- On the other hand, if your friend does not experience friendship in the same way as you, decreasing contacts could hurt his feelings. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to avoid hurting others' feelings when a friendship is ending. Either way, you'll have to decide if your decision is truly final.
Step 3. Keep the conversation superficial
Friends come together by having deep, revealing conversations during which you get to know each other very well. To get away from a friend, it is necessary to stop having these great intimate exchanges. When you speak, stay on superficial and somewhat trivial topics, just like you would do with an acquaintance. If you keep talking as if you were friends, it will be more difficult for the friendship to fade.
- If your friend tends to want to talk about private things, like his relationship with his girlfriend, guide the conversation in a safe direction. Change the subject so that she doesn't get a chance to tell you her deepest feelings.
- Eventually your friend will start to notice that you no longer speak in your usual way. He may call you back or decide to withdraw. Try to be prepared for both reactions.
Step 4. Kindly decline invitations
It may take your friend some time to realize that you are no longer friends. One sure way to put some distance between you is to decline invitations politely, but firmly. If the invitation is for a group activity, you can participate, but avoid individual outings. Don't deceive the other person.
Again, if the other person isn't ready to end the relationship, declining their invitations will make them feel bad. It is up to you to decide whether the most pleasant thing to do is to be more direct about why you keep saying "no" every time she invites you
Step 5. Make excuses if necessary
If you really don't want to tell the person the truth, decline the invitations with an apology. Tell her that you are busy, that you have relatives in town, that you have too much homework and so on. This might be seen as the easiest way, although it's not a very honest way to behave towards someone who was a friend. However, if you have a good reason to end the friendship and don't really want to have to deal with a confrontation, making excuses is quite effective.
Step 6. Let the friendship gradually stop
At best, the person realizes that you have strayed from friendship and decides to go their own way. However, if the former friend asks you what's going on, you can give him an explanation. Be prepared for this reaction, as it may be that you are worth more to your ex friend than he means to you.
Step 7. Consider the treatment of silence with a friendship based on abuse
If the person you want to break up with has abused you in some way or has been physically or emotionally manipulative, you owe that person nothing, not even courtesy. You will need to cut off all contact, remove this person from friends in your social media accounts and avoid seeing them if you don't have to.
If you try to talk to this person about the matter, it may end up making you feel like you were the one who did something wrong. Don't get involved in that drama. If you know the person is going to make things difficult for you, just cut out of the blue
Method 3 of 3: Manage the Follow-up
Step 1. You will need to deal with your ex friend's emotions
Getting dumped isn't easy, whether it's deserved or not. Be prepared for your friend to cry, beg to be friends again or even be extremely angry. You were strong enough to break up with your friend and now you are strong enough to face the consequences. Try not to get involved in the other person's emotions. Remember to stick to your limits and cut off any contact if necessary.
Step 2. Pay particular attention to passive-aggressive behavior that a former friend may sometimes try to make your life more difficult
This is especially true if you go to school together or work in the same place and have to see each other frequently. The person may try to turn others against you, spread gossip about you, or make you look bad in some way. Stay strong and try to understand that if someone behaves this horribly, you have done just fine to end your friendship with them.
- If the behavior escalates from passive-aggressive to simply aggressive, further action may be required. Talk to your teachers or supervisors if this is happening at work or school. Try to provide proof that you are being targeted.
- You may also have legal options. If the person does not leave you alone and their behavior constitutes harassment, you may need to apply for a restraining order.
Step 3. Realize that this may affect other friendships as well
Breaking up with a friend often affects mutual acquaintances as well. If you were both part of the same group of friends, things could be pretty awkward for a while. Hopefully your other friends don't take sides, but if they do, you'll know who your real friends are.
Step 4. Take care of yourself
You will likely feel a sense of freedom after breaking up from a bad friend. Even these breakups, however, are often difficult. It is emotionally difficult to cause someone's emotional breakdown and the consequences can last much longer than expected. After the friendship is officially over, make it your goal to spend time with people who make you feel good. Surround yourself with loved ones and try not to think about the old friendship.
You may also feel surprisingly sad about missing out on the positive sides of your friendship with the person you bailed out from. After all, you were friends for a reason, even if your relationship eventually broke down. Sadness is absolutely normal in this situation
Advice
- Don't feel heartbroken if your friend wasn't a good friend. It's not your fault.
- You may feel guilty, but if you know you made the right choice, respect it.
- Remember that all relationships are voluntary situations. You are not obligated to continue any relationship.
- Speak clearly to avoid confusion.
- Cut bridges carefully. It can be very difficult to resume a friendship, so make sure you want to end it if you have chosen this path.
- Mutual friends may feel the need to take a part, so be prepared to argue your reasons and even lose other friends.
- Ask your family or other friends for advice, especially people who know your friend well and may give you suggestions regarding your situation. They could help you resolve your situation.
- Send a letter or email if you don't feel able to face a face-to-face confrontation.
- If you don't feel comfortable dealing with your friend alone, ask someone who can mediate and help with the discussion for advice.
- If the reasons are superficial, for example for wanting to become popular, don't do it: don't be selfish.
