Anger is a completely normal human feeling. It can even be useful, for example it allows you to defend your ideas and stay out of harm's way. However, it could also have many negative implications and, consequently, affect relationships. By staying calm and avoiding getting mad at someone, even if you feel your anger is justified, you will have a chance not to compromise your relationships.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Avoid Looking Angry and Resentful
Step 1. Identify what is really bothering you
If you have a tendency to channel your anger and bad mood in the wrong direction, you risk blaming someone unnecessarily. Downloading this feeling to others is not a healthy way to manage one's own emotions and interpersonal relationships. To avoid falling into this error, try to do the following:
- Ask yourself, "What really bothers me?" Then ask yourself again: "What's the worst side of the situation?". This way, you will be able to understand exactly why you are nervous.
- Think about why you feel the need to release your anger (for example, if you feel you can't handle a difficult work situation, you may be upset with someone in the family).
- Write down all the things that stress or cause you to react badly.
- Try to deal with the various sources of stress and nervousness one at a time, instead of letting them all take over at once.
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Apologize if you've been abrupt or rude to someone who hasn't done anything wrong.
Try saying, "I'm really sorry I attacked you at dinner. I'm overworked and I can't handle the stress. You're not at fault. How can I fix it?"
Step 2. Give up resentment
A grudge about things that happened in the past often leads people to get nervous with others. It's not a healthy feeling, so you need to get rid of it to move forward. To defeat him, try to do the following:
- Recognize that resentment is useless.
- Realize that by abandoning yourself to this state of mind you will not be able to change the past.
- Accept that you cannot control the actions or feelings of others.
- Try to forgive people, but if you don't feel like it, at least try to forget what happened.
Step 3. Consider whether you have unexpressed expectations
You may have an argument with someone because they did not act as you expected. However, chances are he didn't have a clue! If you feel that a person is not behaving as you would like, try to tell them and find out if your expectations are reasonable.
For example, you might get nervous because a colleague never contributes to the coffee fund, but drinks it every day. Maybe he doesn't realize he should give his share of the money or he has a sick child and a lot of medical bills to pay. By expressing your expectations instead of getting angry, you may also be strengthening your relationships
Step 4. Put yourself in others' shoes
One of the best ways to avoid losing your temper is to truly understand people's point of view. By getting to know someone better and delving deeper into the reasons why they act in a certain way, you will be able to put yourself in their shoes. Understanding usually erases anger and disappointment.
Step 5. Express your gratitude
Try to imagine your life without the person you want to avoid getting angry with, especially if they are someone you care a lot about. Think about all the things she brings into your life and thank her. To learn how to express your gratitude, try keeping a gratitude journal.
Step 6. Remember the acronym "HALT" before opening your mouth
HALT stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired", meaning hungry, nervous, lonely, tired. Typically, many 12-step programs recommend that you stop and evaluate if you are experiencing any of these feelings before taking out your anger on someone.
For example, if you go on a rampage because your husband came back late, think about yourself before you get nervous. Find out if you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired and if these factors affect your mood towards them. Have something to eat and relax on the sofa for a few minutes, then ask him why he came home late
Part 2 of 3: Communicate Assertively
Step 1. Distinguish the various ways of communicating
There are three main ways to communicate your feelings (anger in particular) which fall into the categories of "passivity", "aggression" or "assertiveness". By learning to interact assertively, you will be able to communicate with others in a healthier way.
- Passive communication progressively fuels anger, thus preventing people from finding a way to deal with problems or situations. It can often lead them to meditate revenge or engage in other negative (defined passive-aggressive) behaviors.
- Aggressive communication increases anger so intensely that it causes people to express disproportionate reactions if you look at the situation from the outside. Outbursts of anger can also be accompanied by violent gestures.
- Assertive communication is a healthy and respectful way of dealing with people and managing situations that increase anger.
Step 2. Highlight the needs of both parties
To communicate assertively, you need to recognize the importance of your own and others' needs. By doing this, you will distance yourself from all that is troubling you and show that you care for the needs of others.
For example, if you are nervous that your husband did not bring dinner on the way home, address him like this: "I know you have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders" (acknowledge his needs). He goes on to say: "I too have a lot to do and when you forget to buy something to eat in the evening, all plans are upset."
Step 3. Communicate with respect
By saying "please" and "thank you", you will foster mutual respect. Be kind to others by acknowledging their point of view.
For example, instead of immediately losing your temper when your husband brought nothing to eat when he got home from work, you might say, "Do you have an alternative for dinner?" Maybe he has another idea. Even if he has forgotten, you will be kinder to ask him if he has a different solution in mind than to attack him as soon as he opens the door with the question: "Where is the dinner you were supposed to take ?!"
Step 4. Formulate your requests clearly and precisely
Remember to treat the behavior you would like from the other person as an invitation, not a demand. This way, you will be able to formulate your requests more appropriately. You have to be precise and try to stick to the reality of the facts.
For example, you might say, "I know you just got back, but would you mind taking a trip to buy dinner so we can all eat together at home?"
Step 5. Express your feelings
While it is wise to stick to the facts, you should also explain how you feel when you can't help but be angry. Try using phrases like "I feel like" or "I feel" to prevent the other person from becoming defensive.
For example, you might say, "I feel disheartened that you didn't buy dinner. Now I'm forced to find another solution on my own. I do my best to always fit it all together, and that stresses me out."
Step 6. Find a solution to the problem
The ideal would be to collaborate with the person to whom you are externalizing your mood in order to find together a solution to the problem that is making you nervous. Unfortunately, you cannot control the behavior of others and sometimes you will have to look for a solution on your own.
For example, you can ask your husband if he has an idea for dinner or suggest that he go out to eat. For her part, she could go out again and buy something or offer to look after the kids or clean the house while you go get some ready-made meals. Alternatively, he could cook something. There are several solutions, but the important thing is to find together one that works for both of you
Part 3 of 3: Releasing Anger
Step 1. Take a break
If someone is making you nervous, take a little break to calm down and rearrange your ideas. By regaining control of your emotions before interacting with the other person, you will be less likely to fuel conflict.
Step 2. Breathe deeply
Deep breathing can help you calm down and keep you from taking anger out on others. To relax, breathe deeply using your abdomen. Place a hand on the diaphragm (between the belly and chest) and inhale so hard that you feel it move as your abdomen begins to dilate. Then breathe out slowly.
Keep your attention on the breath, putting in and out the air 8-10 times or until you feel like you have regained control of your emotions
Step 3. Turn anger to something productive
If on the one hand it is not appropriate to take out your anger on people, it can be good to direct your anger on something useful, such as house cleaning, exercise or any business that has been pending for a long time. You can release negative energies by engaging in something productive!
Step 4. Take care of yourself
You will feel better if you find the time to do what you like, but also to sleep, train and eat a healthy diet. By feeling better, you will have better control of your emotions and, as a result, you will communicate more effectively (and kindly) with others. Also, if you don't take care of yourself, you may begin to resent people who, from your point of view, prevent you from enjoying your moments of pleasure.
- To be physically and emotionally healthy, you should sleep 7-8 hours every night.
- Aim for 20-30 minutes of physical activity per day. If you don't have the ability to train daily, try to do it at least 3-4 times a week.
- Include the consumption of whole grains, fruits, vegetables and proteins in your diet. Even healthy fats can make you feel full for longer. Also, avoid low-fat, over-processed foods. They often don't offer adequate nutrition and can leave you unsatisfied.
Step 5. Listen to relaxing music
You can calm down and get back in the mood if you relax by listening to your favorite singers. It has been shown that music can generate certain emotions and evoke certain memories. It can give peace of mind to someone who gets angry or agitated even when they don't know why. Classical music and jazz are particularly useful for calming the spirit, but you need to find the genre that suits you.
Step 6. Think positively
You can reduce anger by causing your mind to think with greater optimism. Close your eyes, banish any negative thoughts that cross your mind and think of at least three positive things.
- In the most critical situations, try to see the glass half full or think of something you can't wait to live or that makes you happy.
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Here are some examples of positive thinking:
- It will pass.
- I'm strong enough to handle all of this.
- Difficult situations are opportunities for growth.
- I won't be nervous forever. It is a passing sensation.
Warnings
- If you feel that anger is taking over your life and relationships, you should go to a counselor or support group to learn how to manage it.
- Although anger is a natural emotion and an outburst of anger can happen to anyone, you can try to prevent its causes: for example, avoid situations where you fear you may be uncomfortable, under great stress or in danger.
