Dealing with a narcissist can be frustrating and even harmful. These people have arrogant and unscrupulous attitudes that can attract you, but at the same time their love for themselves leaves no room for you, except when they can benefit from it. It is entirely understandable that you feel confused in a relationship with such a person. If you want to keep your relationship with a narcissist alive, you need to adopt a few strategies: set boundaries, learn to navigate the communication minefield, and take care of yourself. Only in this way will you be able to manage life with a narcissist.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Imposing Limits
Step 1. Identify your limits
If you wish to live with a narcissist, you cannot handle everything they say or do. You can't even allow him to treat you as he pleases. So what's the trade-off? Understanding what behaviors you can't tolerate.
- For example, you may be able to accept when he dominates conversations, but not when he insults you.
- Narcissists exploit people and abuse their goodness, so you need to know your limits.
Step 2. Write a list of the excessive behaviors that the narcissist engages in
Once you've identified your limits, make a list of situations in which the other person violates them most often. By putting these episodes on paper, you will know in which contexts you need to be careful.
- For example, a narcissist may try to manipulate you more often in front of a group of people.
- Noticing these patterns can help you understand in which situations you need to keep your guard higher. It will also help you to better express your limits.
Step 3. Express your limits with confidence
Now that you know what you can't tolerate, communicate the rules to follow when you notice abusive behavior. You can say, "I see you're angry, but I don't tolerate insults. If you continue to offend me, I'll leave."
Confirm your limits with confidence, holding your head up, looking the other person in the eye, with a strong, purposeful tone of voice. This way the narcissist will understand that you mean it
Step 4. If necessary, enforce it
Narcissists will overcome any stakes you impose, so it's important that the consequences are real. If you said you will stop talking, do it. If you have threatened to leave, walk away.
- Enforcing the consequences doesn't mean ending a relationship. You can tell the narcissist, "I will be happy to resume the conversation when you can communicate with me without insulting me."
- Remember that imposing consequences may not be enough to change the narcissist's attitude.
Step 5. Expect resistance, but don't give in
The narcissist will most likely test your limits anyway, regardless of the decision with which you expressed them. In spite of everything, don't make concessions.
- For example, a narcissist may still insult you to see if you will do something about it. If this happens, you have to impose the consequences so that it is clear that you really believe what you said.
- If you don't enforce your limits, a narcissist will never respect you.
Step 6. Learn to identify narcissists
True narcissists have a very high opinion of themselves, but they also believe it's all due to them. They believe they deserve attention and admiration, not caring who they hurt to get it. They don't tolerate criticism, but they often belittle and insult others to appear better.
- It's common for people to be mildly self-centered or very confident, but these traits don't identify a true narcissist.
- Pay attention to the people they spend their time with. Narcissists have a tendency to surround themselves with people who don't enforce themselves.
Method 2 of 3: Have Pleasant Interactions
Step 1. Don't expect an apology
Ultimately, narcissists think only of themselves. Don't be offended, but they don't really care about you. If they have offended you, you need to lick your wounds elsewhere, because they will never apologize.
- For example, if the narcissist you hang out with has lied to you, they probably won't admit it. He is more likely to claim that he said something different or that he blames you in some way.
- You will save yourself a lot of pain if you don't expect a narcissist to take responsibility for their mistakes.
Step 2. Use your negotiation skills
A narcissist doesn't always have to win. Find out what power you have over him and use it in negotiations.
For example, if your narcissistic brother wants to be paid for gardening work, be sure to pay it once his duties are completed. If not, he is unlikely to honor his word
Step 3. Make him believe you want the same thing
Narcissists focus solely on personal benefit. Consequently, if you want to get them to do something for you, it is best to emphasize what they have to gain.
For example, you can say, "Hi Laura, it would be great if you could help me with the charity dinner. Volunteering will look great on your resume."
Step 4. Use first-person plural statements
Team up with a narcissist by changing the way you express yourself. Instead of saying "you" or "I", use "we" to create a spirit of cooperation.
- For example, instead of saying "I have to find a solution", you can say "We have to find a solution, David".
- This small change in the way you express yourself allows you to improve relationships with the narcissist, making him believe that you are on the same side.
Step 5. Treat negative behavior as your responsibility and not yours
Underlying a narcissist's personality is a deep need to feel that he is worth a lot. For this, you need to learn that when a narcissistic loved one misbehaves, it's not your fault. These attitudes are driven by their innate insecurities. Try not to take them personally.
- For example, if your narcissistic partner is cheating on you, it doesn't mean you did something wrong. He probably saw an opportunity and took it without thinking about the consequences. He didn't do it specifically to hurt you.
- Try repeating statements like "Narcissism is a problem that concerns them and not me."
Method 3 of 3: Take Care of Yourself
Step 1. Confide in empathic people who can offer their support
Dating a narcissist can drain your energy, so make sure you spend time with positive people who are able to give you love and attention. Surround yourself with empathic people who are able to focus on you and your needs.
- When you need to talk to someone, reach out to loved ones and explain what's going on in your life. Talk to someone who is willing to hear your side of the story and give you the support you need.
- Try to set aside time each week to talk to supportive people so you get the attention and affection the narcissist doesn't give you.
Step 2. Recognize your best qualities when you need a shot of self-esteem
A narcissist's extreme self-esteem can deal a severe blow to your confidence. Counteract times when you don't feel safe by identifying your strengths.
- Write a list of all your best qualities. Read the list aloud as often as you want to improve self-esteem.
- Make the list even more effective by reading all the qualities after saying "I am". For example, you can say "I'm kind" or "I'm great at listening".
Step 3. Find time to take care of yourself and manage stress
Often living with a narcissist means constantly pouring time, love, and resources on them. However, to keep the relationship going, you have to give something to yourself as well. Develop a personal care routine that helps you feel refreshed.
Visit a spa or try massaging yourself. Go for lunch with your friends. Journal your feelings, listen to good music, or take a hot bath
Step 4. Talk to a counselor or join a support group
If you need more support to be able to live with a narcissist, consider talking to other people who can understand your experience. Join a local support group for people with narcissistic relatives, or go to a psychologist who has experience with this disorder.
- Ask a local mental health clinic for information so you can find support groups and psychologists in your area.
- Work with your counselor or support group and ask yourself if it is worth living with someone who only thinks about their own needs.
