Most parents, or guardians, go through periods where they are torn between wanting their children to remain children forever and the prospect of becoming independent enough to do things on their own. In particular, mothers tend to take on a role of greater responsibility towards their children, which often does not lead them to replace themselves at the expense of the possibility of expecting more from them. Continuing to do everything for a child hinders emotional growth and slows down independence.
In fact, children at all ages try to gain their independence, but at the same time they also fear the separation that this independence entails. It is important for parents and guardians to gradually but sincerely encourage the transition to greater autonomy as they grow up. Your role, therefore, should be to allay fears by showing what is possible and giving a sense of security that you will accompany them, regardless of what they try to do.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Forming the Sense of Independence
Step 1. Build a sense of independence
When teaching your kids about independence, remember first of all to be independent on your own. There is a healthy balance, necessary in all relationships, which helps you to maintain your independence and your subjectivity. If you are able to resist detachment, your children will be able to learn it from you.
- If you are an overly involved parent or guardian, problems will inevitably arise. For example, the so-called helicopter parent cannot bear to be pushed aside by their child, but moves on everything they do to "stay close" and "ensure their safety". This attitude often involves anxiety and worry and requires a personal effort to try to overcome it. Children subjected to this parenting model may experience anxiety and fear of becoming independent. Do your best to manage your fears and not pass them on to your children.
- Observe how your children absorb the relationship between you and your partner. Behaviors of mutual dependence and subordination can send unnecessary signals to children, who in turn can learn to fear separation. For your own sake and that of your children, try to eliminate them.
Step 2. Teach your children that detachment is not bad
Help them see that it is acceptable and preferable from time to time to be alone, to peacefully disapprove of others' opinions, or to want to spend time on their own.
Try to set an example of healthy conflict in front of your children. Shouts and accusations don't have to be a part of children's education, but it is necessary to argue what's important calmly and moderately so that kids learn that this is the most helpful attitude. No doubt there will be times when you will lose your temper - instead of pretending it never happened, always apologize. If the children are old enough, explain yourself
Step 3. Look for opportunities to show an example of your small personal successes
It could be something as simple as opening a jar, not giving up if you can't, trying to do it without anyone else's help. Call attention by saying words like: "Look, Mum did it all, she didn't give up and she did it!". Children will find that you try to get things done on your own and very often successfully.
- Some children have a tendency to give up right away. It is even more important to instill perseverance in these types of children and encourage them to try again. Don't criticize their efforts, but encourage their growth through repeated attempts. They will eventually complete their task thanks to the lesson learned and your support.
- When you fail at something, adopt problem-solving strategies. It is as important as self-censorship following a success. It teaches with actions that not only can you survive a failure, but that failure is a stimulus to do something else or to try your hand at another attempt by virtue of the lesson learned.
- Remind your children that if they think they can't do things on their own, you will be right next to them and assist them. However, keep in mind that this help can be physical help, as well as simple verbal encouragement, because you know that the task ahead is doable and that they will greatly benefit if they accomplish it on their own.
Method 2 of 3: Helping Develop a Sense of Independence
Step 1. Watch your children play and in everyday life
Pay special attention to their likes and dislikes. Look for an opportunity to talk to them about what they are doing or what they are playing with. Identify how they can improve the way they play with simple changes they can understand for themselves, such as adding a book to build a ramp for toy cars or placing it where they place their feet when they learn to ride a bike.
Step 2. Solicit and advise your child on small tasks
He will learn that his opinion is important to you. By following his suggestions, you will help him nurture healthy self-esteem as he grows (rather than imposing ineffective stimuli from the outside). Hence, it is your duty to encourage the child's suggestions and make sure that they are a valuable asset in carrying out his or her homework.
You can say something like, "I'm so glad you thought about putting bread in this basket. Making dinner will be so much easier."
Step 3. Involve your children in daily household chores involving their belongings
For children, as indeed for anyone, it is very easy to identify the objects they use and are familiar with, offering their help to put them in place. While it sometimes means going back and "really cleaning" the area they are responsible for, it is important to strive to convey a sense of responsibility towards personal items.
- When they have finished eating, encourage them to put the dishes where they need to be washed - in the sink or dishwasher.
- If you want them to clean their room, start with achievable goals, for example by asking them where the books go and then letting them put them in place. The goal is to outsource a little decision making independently when it comes to their personal belongings. This tip can also extend to personal hygiene.
- Help around the house can start when they are around 3 years old, at first with small tasks, then with increasing difficulties as they grow up.
Method 3 of 3: Circumscribe and Widen the Limits
Step 1. Establish both structured and unstructured moments to spend alone
Let your children choose where to be and what to do within pre-set limits. This possibility can include a series of structured and safe choices. These are moments in which they do not have to share anything or talk with others, but only learn to have fun in total autonomy. If you enthusiastically present this scenario, it can be viewed in an exciting way by the child.
An example would be: "The time has come to dedicate to yourself, so you can sit on the sofa or at the table and read a book, draw or play with puzzles." Being on your own tends to be seen as a bad thing, because they often identify it as "time out" or "go to your room alone". Unfortunately, this attitude only confuses the child, who combines loneliness with wickedness. If you encourage him to take some time for himself, you can quickly gain some space when you really need a break, without having any negative repercussions
- This is an opportunity to present the idea of being alone as a positive aspect and not as a punishment, so that they can gain autonomy in life in general.
Step 2. Help your children see boredom as a healthy reaction that teaches them to find and reach solutions
Your job is not to blunt boredom in children, but to provide a safe environment in which they can explore in their imaginations to unlock the situation and solve the problem of boredom for themselves. If you constantly eliminate this possibility, they will have a hard time mitigating this feeling and finding internal outlets to alleviate boredom, perhaps leaving the door open to risky behavior. Give yourself a break and give yourself a moment even to boredom.
Step 3. Gradually extend unstructured boundaries
As children grow up, expect more independence from them and allow them more structured moments. Trusting your children can go a long way in helping them mature healthily. They will be able to view their independence as a privilege, not something to be afraid of.
