There are people who are shy by nature, while others are more sociable. Each individual has specific characteristics that make him an "introvert" or an "extrovert". Whatever your predominant character side is, it's easy to let issues like social anxiety and low self-esteem drive you away from people. Thankfully, you can learn to educate your brain and get out of the shell.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Think Positive
Step 1. Find out the difference between introversion and shyness
There is a certain difference between being introverted and being so shy that you can't even say a word to one person. Introversion is a character trait, so it's yours, you accept it kindly, and live accordingly. Shyness, on the other hand, is a result of fear or anxiety that arises from interpersonal interactions. Learning whether you are introverted or shy can help you break out of your shell.
- Introverts tend to like solitude. They feel "recharged" when they spend time alone. For these individuals, being in the company of others is pleasant, but they usually prefer small groups of people and quiet meetings over large parties. If you are happy and fulfilled alone, and you need to dedicate time exclusively to yourself, you are likely to be an introvert.
- Shyness can cause anxiety during interpersonal interactions. Unlike introverts, who like to be alone, shy people often want to interact more with others, but are afraid to do so.
- Research has shown that shyness and introversion have a rather low correlation. In other words, being shy doesn't make you an introvert. Also, if you're an introvert, that doesn't mean you hate people.
- You can find a shyness quiz online to better understand your orientation. The test (in English) was developed by Wellesley College. A score above 49 indicates that you are very shy; if it is between 34 and 49, you are slightly shy; if it is less than 34, you are not particularly shy.
Step 2. Turn insecurity into self-awareness
If you think others are constantly watching you under a magnifying glass, it's hard to get out of your shell. However, science has shown that every individual is his own worst critic. In most circumstances, people don't even notice your missteps, even the ones they deem catastrophic. Learn to examine your actions with a good deal of acceptance and understanding, rather than criticism for its own sake.
- Discomfort arises from embarrassment and shame. You fear that others will judge you as harshly as you for your mistakes and slips.
- Here is a classic example: "I can't believe I said such a thing. They will have taken me for a real idiot." This thought judges you and offers you no help for the future.
- Here is a thought based on self-awareness: "Uh, I have completely removed this person's name! I have to come up with some strategies to better remember the names of others". This thought acknowledges that you have made a mistake, but it is not the end of the world. He also admits that in the future you will be able to learn to do things differently.
Step 3. Remember that no one is watching you as closely as you do
People who have a hard time getting out of their shells are often convinced that others are watching their every move with a magnifying glass, waiting for them to go wrong. Think about it: when you are together with other people, do you spend all your time checking every single action of every single present? Of course not: you are too focused on what really matters to you. And you know what? Most people do exactly the same.
- Personalization is a fairly common cognitive distortion. This is a far from useful way of thinking but has become the norm for your brain. It causes you to blame yourself for things that are not your responsibility after all. It can make you take everything personally, even when something has nothing to do with you.
- Learn to deal with personalization by remembering that it's not all about you. That colleague who didn't return the greeting when you waved her hand probably isn't angry with you: maybe she didn't see you, had a bad day, or has worries you don't even know about. Remembering that every person has a rich inner life of thoughts, feelings, needs and desires can help you understand that most people are too self-absorbed to judge you.
Step 4. Deal with self-critical thoughts
Perhaps you are afraid to come out of your shell because you are mulling over all the mistakes you made in the past. Maybe you distance yourself because you think: "I was too quiet", "The only comment I made was really silly" or "I think I have offended Tizio and Caio". Sure, everyone has made a few missteps, but sooner or later everyone has had satisfying interactions. Instead of obsessing over the worst moments, focus on the positives. Remember that you managed to get a smile from others, that people were genuinely happy to see you, or that you made a very interesting remark about a certain topic.
- Filtering is another common cognitive distortion. It happens when you focus only on what went wrong and ignore everything that went right. It is typical of human beings.
- Address this distortion by trying to analyze your experiences with greater awareness and trying to concretely recognize what went right. You could bring a notebook to write down all the positive experiences, however small they seem to you. You could also open a Twitter or Instagram account to record these little moments.
- When you find yourself having negative thoughts, take the notebook and remember that you do many things well. If you're not good at something for now, you can always learn.
Step 5. Find out what makes you unique
To get out of your shell, you need to develop good self-esteem and be happy with yourself. If you are satisfied with your identity, you will be more likely to share it with others. Think of all those traits that make you special: your witty sense of humor, your travel experiences, the culture you've acquired from reading a lot. Be proud of what makes you unique and remember that you have qualities worth sharing in future social interactions.
- Make a list of all the things that one way or another make you feel proud of yourself.
- Nothing is "too little" for this list. Many have a habit of underestimating their talents and achievements (another cognitive distortion), assuming that their knowledge is not as useful or interesting as that of other people. However, not everyone knows how to play the ukulele, cook a perfect omelette, or find the cheapest offers in stores. Whatever you know how to do, be proud of it.
Step 6. View success
Before participating in a social interaction, view it. Imagine entering a place with a proud posture; people are genuinely happy to see you and, thanks to your attitude, they respond positively when they interact with you. You don't have to picture yourself as the center of attention (in fact, that's probably the last thing you want!), But you should visualize the result you want. This will help you achieve it.
- There are two types of visualization and both should be used for noteworthy results. When you visualize the result you hope to achieve, you imagine in detail the moment in which you succeed in reaching your goal. Close your eyes - imagine a fun and enjoyable social interaction in the future. Imagine your body language, the words you say, the movements you make, the positive reactions of people. Imagine that they smile at you, laugh at your jokes and are truly happy to be in your company.
- When viewing the process, you need to figure out the steps required to achieve your goal. For example, to be able to have that easy and relaxed interaction you imagined, what would you have had to do? Prepare some topics for conversation? Energize you with some positive affirmations? What actions will increase the likelihood of the interaction going through?
- Basically, visualization means "dress rehearsal" on a mental level. It allows you to practice a situation before facing it. You can also identify possible contingencies and devise a way to overcome them.
- Visualization can help you achieve your goals because it can actually fool the brain into believing that you have already achieved certain results.
Part 2 of 4: Increase Your Self-Esteem
Step 1. Learn to master a certain skill
Learning something new is another tactic for cultivating good self-esteem and becoming more socially relaxed. This can be any skill: ice skating, creative writing, cooking, and so on. You don't have to become number one in the world, what matters is to commit yourself and recognize your progress. Mastering a skill will not only improve your self-esteem, it will also give you more conversation points and can help you make friends along the way.
- If you are already good at something, great. Add this ability to the list of features that make you unique, but don't be afraid to try something else.
- Gaining new skills can also benefit your wits. When the brain constantly works to assimilate new information and orient itself between tasks, it inevitably becomes more flexible and adaptable, which is ideal to help you get out of your shell.
- Try signing up for a course. Whether it's yoga or beginner cooking classes, they can be quite helpful in getting you closer to people like you who are learning something new. You will realize that everyone makes mistakes while learning. You may also bond with other people thanks to your new passion.
Step 2. Encourage yourself to get out of your comfort zone
Staying in the shell is comfortable. You know what you are good at and you never have to go through experiences that scare you or make you difficult. The problem is that staying in your comfort zone kills creativity and a sense of adventure. Trying things you've never done before will help you get out of your shell.
- Getting out of the comfort zone means recognizing that fear and uncertainty are real - it's okay to have these feelings. The important thing is not to let them stop you from exploring the world. If you get used to taking risks despite your insecurities, jumping in will get easier and easier.
- Psychologists have found that indeed everyone needs a pinch of anxiety to stimulate creativity. People work hard when a certain situation causes small insecurities, which also leads to better performance.
- On the other hand, you don't have to try too many things from the first moment. If the anxiety is excessive, the brain will react badly. So encourage yourself from time to time and be patient with yourself.
- This doesn't mean you should skydive if you suffer from vertigo on the second floor. But if it's about signing up for a salsa class, taking a hike, or making sushi at home, make a point of starting new experiences outside your comfort zone.
Step 3. Set yourself "easy" goals
If you demand perfection at any moment, you will only condemn yourself to a bitter disappointment. Instead, cultivate good self-esteem by setting yourself challenging, but also achievable goals. As your self-confidence increases, you will be able to set more difficult goals.
- Try talking to just one person at a social event. Thinking that you have to be the center of attention and interact with everyone can put you in crisis, especially if you have recently started working on it. Instead, make a point of talking to just one person - it's totally doable. Once you succeed, you can add this experience to your achievement list.
- Look for shy people, at least apparently. You're not the only one having a hard time getting out of your shell. When attending an event, look around to see if anyone seems uncomfortable or has taken refuge in a corner. Approach and introduce yourself. Maybe you can give it the push it needs to get out of its shell a little bit.
Step 4. Accept the possibility of making mistakes
Not all interactions will go as hoped. Not everyone will respond well to your approach. Sometimes you will say things that won't impress or get caught in the right way. It's not a problem! Accepting the possibility that there are uncertainties and different outcomes than imagined will occur will allow you to continue to deal with social interactions in an open way.
- Re-phrasing the drawbacks and problems to begin considering them as learning experiences will prevent you from thinking that the obstacles (and yourself) are a failure. When a person thinks (wrongly) that they are a failure, they no longer have the motivation to keep trying, because they believe it is useless. Instead, try to learn something from every situation, even the less pleasant ones or those that didn't go as hoped.
- For example, you try to introduce yourself to someone at a party, but that person isn't interested in talking to you and leaves. Not the best, but you know what? It is not a failure. It is not even a mistake, because you had the strength and the courage to expose yourself. You can also turn it into a learning opportunity, for example you can learn to pick the right signals to understand if a person is not interested in talking at a certain moment. You will also learn another important lesson: the behaviors of others are not dependent on you.
- If you feel embarrassed about something, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you asked an acquaintance how his girlfriend is when everyone knows she left him weeks ago. Maybe you have been talking unabated about your childhood obsession with ferrets. All of this is fine, it has happened to everyone. The important thing is to get up again in case you fall. Don't let a mistake stop you from trying again in the future.
Part 3 of 4: Expose yourself
Step 1. Try to look “in the hand”
In part, coming out of your shell means making people want to talk to you. If you are told that you seem full of yourself or rude, this can surprise you quite a lot. In fact, you know well that the problem is another: you are so shy that the idea of approaching others does not even pass through the antechamber of your brain. You can change today. When a person approaches you or starts talking to you, smile at them, stand straight, keep your arms at your sides, and enthusiastically ask them how they are doing. If you are used to withdrawing into yourself, it will take some practice to start looking friendly, but you can do it.
- If you are shy, you are probably used to hunching over a book or cell phone, but this may make others think that you are too busy to talk to them.
- You may seem down to earth and willing to talk despite your shyness. While not saying much, agreeing with your boss, making eye contact, smiling at the right time, and showing interest in general are all positive signs - in fact, they let you know that you are listening. Active listening confirms that you are interested and involved in the dialogue. If you hesitate and stare at the floor, others may forget that you are there.
- To make a contribution, try repeating some key concepts from a conversation. This not only shows that you listen, it also makes your interlocutor feel important. For example, if someone tells you about their trip to India, you might say, "What a great experience! I've never been to India, it sure takes a lot of courage to go on a trip like that."
- If at some point in the conversation it is difficult for you to talk about yourself, you can use this tactic until you are ready to tell yourself a little more.
Step 2. Ask open questions
Once you have a conversation with someone, asking your interlocutor some simple questions (be it about their life, their plans, or any other topic) is a good tactic to keep the conversation going. Asking questions is also a form of social interaction that involves rather low pressure. In fact, you won't be talking as much about yourself, but you will show interest and move the conversation forward. You don't have to ask a million questions, look like a private investigator, and make others uncomfortable. Just ask friendly questions as soon as the conversation seems to have stalled.
- Obviously, shy people find it harder to open up and start talking about themselves. This is a good way to start.
- Open-ended questions invite you to share something about yourself and to elaborate a story, rather than just answering affirmatively or negatively.
- Some examples of open questions: "Where did you find this shirt? I like it very much", "What is your favorite book and why?" or "Which bar do you recommend in the area? I would like to have a good coffee".
Step 3. Start sharing your account information
Once you have become more familiar with your interlocutor (be it a stranger or a friend), you can slowly begin to open up. You shouldn't share your deepest and darkest secrets right away, but you can gradually reveal something about yourself. Release the tension. Tell a funny story about an old professor. Display a cute photo of Muffin, your bunny. If anyone talks about their trip to Las Vegas, tell about that embarrassing trip with your parents when you visited that city. The secret is to proceed step by step.
- When someone tells an experience, you can also start sharing by saying "Me too" or "I understand you perfectly. Once I …".
- Sharing silly anecdotes or little details can also help you get out of your shell. When you see others respond positively to what you say, you automatically become more likely to open up.
- You don't have to be the first to share a little more personal anecdotes. Wait for someone else to start.
- Talking about oneself incessantly is rude, but completely withdrawing into oneself can also be considered as such. If a person shares a lot of information about him and you say "Mmh-mmh" in response, he may be offended, because you apparently don't feel comfortable enough to tell something personal. An "Me too" is enough to help others get in tune with you.
Step 4. Become a skilled conversationalist
Chatting is not as trivial as it may seem. Many great friendships and relationships have arisen after a conversation about the weather or the result of a derby. Some say he doesn't converse because he thinks it's superficial, a waste of time, but being able to chat without pressure is a key building block for getting to know strangers better. In fact, chatting offers the opportunity to socialize using topics that are not too personal. When two strangers talk for the first time, they decide to share personal information they deem "safe". Making conversation gives you the opportunity to smooth out the ground without unbuttoning too much, gradually progressing towards establishing mutual trust. To chat, you need to know how to put your interlocutor at ease, ask him questions in a polite manner, say something about yourself, and maintain a stable conversation.
- When talking to a stranger, use their name. This will make him feel important.
- Look for ideas to strike up a conversation. If a person is wearing the AC Milan cap, you can ask him who his favorite player is or how he became a fan of the team.
- You can make a simple statement followed by a question. Example: "What a bad weather! Because of the rain, I was forced to stay home all weekend. I had to help my mother with a lot of housework. And you? Did you do something fun?".
Step 5. Learn to read people
It's a social skill that can help you have better conversations and get out of your shell. Knowing if a person is enthusiastic and willing to talk or distracted and in a bad mood can help you determine what to talk about, or if you need to approach them.
- Understanding the dynamics of a group is also fundamental. Are the members deeply connected with each other and have some difficulty in accepting external people or are they open to everything? This can help you understand how to log in.
- A person who smiles and walks slowly, as if in no hurry, is obviously more likely to talk than someone who is worried, is furiously typing a text message, or is moving at the speed of light.
Step 6. Focus on the moment
When talking to others, focus on what's going on: the nature of the conversation, the expression on your interlocutor's face, the contribution each makes, and so on. When you have a chance to step in with a comment, don't worry about the remarks you made five minutes ago or what you will say later. Remember when at the beginning of this article you were advised to combat discomfort and embarrassment? This not only applies to the thoughts of everyday life, but also and above all to the mental predisposition you have during a conversation.
- If you get distracted by worrying about everything you have said or will say, you will be less likely to pay attention or make meaningful contributions to the conversation. When you are distracted or nervous, others notice.
- If you find that during a conversation you are very distracted or worried, then inhale and exhale for a count of 10 or 20 (obviously without losing the thread!). This should help you become more aware and not get too obsessed with the details.
Part 4 of 4: Be Consistent
Step 1. Start saying yes and stop making excuses
If you want to get used to breaking out of your shell, you don't just have to learn how to successfully deal with short interactions. You have to get into the habit of being together with others, participating in new events and having a dynamic social life. Maybe you say no to various experiences because you are afraid of exposing yourself, you don't want to feel uncomfortable when you go to an event where you hardly know anyone or you prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others. Whatever the reason, the apology must end today.
- When someone offers you to do something and you refuse, ask yourself if you say no out of fear or laziness, not for a legitimate reason. If it is fear that makes you close in on yourself, learn to say no to her and get out!
- You don't have to say yes when a girl you've met by chance offers you to join an insect lover's club. In short, you don't have to agree to do anything! You simply have to make a goal of saying yes more often. You can do it.
Step 2. Make more invitations
Getting out of the shell doesn't just mean accepting other people's proposals, but also starting to plan something on your own. If you want to be seen as sociable, personable, and willing to put yourself out there, then you should be the one to take the initiative from time to time. Just invite someone to your house to have a pizza and watch a movie, or ask a school friend to go for a coffee: others will think that you are a proactive and active person.
- Sure, the old fear of rejection could creep back into your life. Others may tell you no, but in most cases it will be because they already have another commitment.
- Also, if you invite people to do something, they are more likely to reciprocate.
Step 3. Remember that you cannot completely change
If you are an incredibly shy and introverted person, then you are unlikely to become an inveterate chatterbox after a month. Introverts can't turn into true extroverts, especially overnight, but they can definitely change their behaviors and attitudes. Plus, to get out of your shell and show off your strengths, you don't have to be a totally outgoing person or the most sociable person in the world.
Step 4. Remember to recharge the batteries
If you are an introvert by nature, then after a social interaction (but also for no particular reason) you will need time to recharge. Extroverts draw energy from people, while introverts may feel drained from the presence of others. If you are exhausted, you may need to give yourself a few hours of solitude to recharge.
Even if you have decided to enrich your social calendar, always remember to take some time for yourself, even if it seems to you that this goes against your goals
Step 5. Look for people like you
As a matter of fact: at the end of the day, you can never totally get out of your shell with a complete stranger. However, once you practice it, you will be able to find people who really understand you and who really put you at ease. Maybe you realize that you can completely melt away only with the group of your closest friends, with them you sing your heart out and dance the macarena. However, this small group can help you to expose yourself a little more to other people as well.
Finding like-minded people will help you feel better about yourself, become more confident, and break out of your shell over the long term. What's better?
Step 6. Learn from discomfort
If you have a hard time getting out of your shell, this is likely to happen because you tend to let go whenever you feel embarrassed. When you find yourself in a place where you hardly know anyone, don't have many contributions to make or feel like a fish out of water, you are probably used to leaving, use the excuse of having to come home early or walk away silently. When the going gets tough, you have to stop running: instead, accept your discomfort and you'll see it's not as bad as you think.
