Almost everyone knows at least one person with the rare ability to ruin the atmosphere on every occasion and make it unsustainable. Unfortunately, it is useless to point out the heavy and complicated side of her character because she probably won't even be able to understand that she has a problem. Regardless of whether you have a personality disorder or some other hidden reason, you can find ways to interact with impossible people and preserve your balance at the same time.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Dealing with Conflicts
Step 1. Don't get defensive
Keep calm and be aware that you will never get the better of an argument with an impossible person: it is no coincidence that they are called "impossible". In the mind of such a person, the problem is you and none of your arguments will convince him to reconsider your point of view on the matter. This person doesn't find your opinion worthy of note because it's your fault, after all.
- Think before you speak and think about what the goal of the conversation is. Don't react impulsively just because you feel offended. There is no need to defend yourself from these kinds of people.
- Speak in first person and not second. For example, do not say "You were wrong", but "I have the impression that this statement of yours is not entirely true".
Step 2. Detach, dissociate and relativize
Keeping calm in the heat of the moment is essential to achieving the goal. Spitting out angry words and reacting with excessive emotion, for example by starting to cry, will only urge the impossible person to persevere in his attitude. Don't take these people's reactions personally and don't get emotionally involved.
- Detach yourself psychologically from the situation and approach it with indifference. The goal is not to get emotionally involved in the conversation, to keep yourself at a safe distance and not to allow words to hurt you.
- Give a positive change to the circumstances or the discussion by shifting the focus away from the cause of the quarrel. Talk about the weather, football, the other person's family or any other topic that can distract you from the subject of the conversation, but which will not cause any other damage.
- Remember that any anger-driven words or actions of yours may come back to haunt you in the future. If it bothers you that your angry comments are remembered years later, avoid making them. Impossible people are waiting for nothing more than to hear you say something to help them prove your guilt.
- Don't judge this person, however absurd it may seem to you. Judging it could worsen your mood.
Step 3. Avoid arguing with this type of person
If possible, don't contradict it. Find a way to be compliant or ignore her. Arguing will only increase your emotional involvement in the situation and provoke a "fight or flight" reaction. In this way, it would be more difficult to think clearly and react appropriately.
Impossible people are looking for conflict and if you show condescension to their statements or acknowledge, even partially, their truthfulness, you will deprive them of their purpose. For example, if you receive an insult, do not react and admit that you are not a saint. In this way, you will avoid the risk of excessive generalization
Step 4. Accept that you cannot conduct a reasonable conversation
It is difficult to have a polite conversation with impossible people. Remember all the times you've tried to have a civil conversation with this person about your relationship. Probably, you have been forced to take responsibility for all the problems.
- Remain silent or try to humor this person when you can. It is not easy to "heal" impossible people because they do not allow themselves to be persuaded with good manners.
- Avoid getting cornered in an argument. Don't go through it alone, but always involve a third person. If this person does not agree to be involved, let them know that it is of fundamental importance to you.
Step 5. Ignore impossible people
These people need constant attention, and if they stop receiving it, they immediately turn to someone else. Stay away from their business and their life, do not interact and do not mention them in conversations with others.
When an impossible person explodes, his attitudes are similar to a child's whims. Don't pay attention to her unless these outbursts become violent, dangerous, or harm your safety. Make a commitment not to make impossible people angry and not to give them a reason to lose their temper
Step 6. Ask questions that stimulate reflection
If you are dealing with an impossible person or a group of impossible people, asking what the problem is or why they try certain things is helpful. Show that you are involved in the conversation and want to find the source of the disagreement. Re-phrasing what the impossible person said to highlight his irrationality can push him to find a better solution.
The impossible person's reaction could be to complicate the situation through offenses, accusations, changing the subject or other similar attitudes
Step 7. Take a break
If the person you're talking to gets on your nerves, you need to temporarily step away. Chances are she just wants to tease you, so show her that it has no effect on you. Getting away or taking care of something else to find calm is a good idea.
- Count to ten silently if necessary.
- If this person perseveres in their attitude, just ignore them. When he realizes he has no influence on you, he will stop.
Step 8. Believe in yourself
Explain your point of view firmly and look the other person in the eye when you speak to them. You don't have to look weak in the eyes of these kinds of people. If you look down or at the level of his shoulder, he may interpret this as a sign of weakness. You have to be reasonable, but not submissive.
Step 9. Adapt your strategy
Sometimes it is not possible to escape from the situation, so take it as if it were a game. Find out what the person's plan is in front of you and develop a counter strategy in advance. Eventually you will discover how to behave to achieve your goal and, probably, you will feel better when you understand that your cunning allows you to always be ahead of the other person. Just remember that the ultimate goal is not to win, but to feel mentally free.
- If the impossible person whispers a negative comment in your ear about someone else, sure that you will not react or make a scene, say aloud words like this: "Do you really want to talk about it here?". This will cause her to be amazed and perhaps be able to dissuade her from showing her bad sides in public.
- Always evaluate the possible consequences of your actions if things don't go as planned, so that you are ready to deal with them.
- If the impossible person still manages to annoy you, don't suffer from it. Remember this event and come up with new strategies for the future.
- These people aren't that impossible if you can predict their words and actions.
Step 10. Check your body language
Pay attention to your position, your movements and facial expressions when you are in the company of these people. Many emotions are conveyed by non-verbal language. You don't have to let your feelings out without realizing it. Only in this way will you be able to remain calm and, perhaps, at the same time you will be able to reassure the other person.
- Speak politely and move your body with the utmost delicacy.
- Avoid using body language in a provocative way, for example by staring at the other person for a long time, gesticulating aggressively, pointing your finger or putting your face in front of him. Keep a neutral expression, do not shake your head and stay away from his personal space.
Part 2 of 4: Accepting the Situation
Step 1. Be aware that it may be an incompatibility issue
If a person gets along with everyone, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to get along with you. Some people conflict easily or are simply not compatible. Although there is nothing wrong with you, together you can bring out the worst in each other.
When an impossible person claims to be loved by everyone, it means that they are trying to put the blame on you. How he interacts with others is irrelevant because the problem is how he interacts with you. Remember that blaming another will not change the situation
Step 2. Avoid acting like an impossible person
It often happens to make the attitudes of close people their own. For this reason, you may find yourself unwittingly assuming the same behaviors as the other person you hate so much, for example by showing yourself manipulative and irrational towards him. Be aware of this and make a commitment not to imitate such offensive attitudes again.
Step 3. Draw a lesson from this situation
Impossible people are able to offer you meaningful life experiences. If you have been dealing with an impossible person, you will probably be able to get along with most people effortlessly. Try to look at the situation from the outside: you will realize that the same behaviors that seem absurd to you are the only way the other person knows to deal with problems. Try to see these interactions as an opportunity to work on your strengths such as flexibility, kindness and tolerance.
Never be fooled by a person's age, intellect or social position when assessing their level of maturity
Step 4. Prepare to cope with mood swings
Convincing an impossible person of his mistakes could plunge him into a sudden nervous breakdown. Instead of thinking that she is always right, she will complain that she is destined to be wrong all her life. This attitude represents an attempt to gain compassion from others.
- Some impossible people behave extravagantly to surprise others, to confuse them, or simply for no reason. Resist the urge to be intimidated by these unpredictable attitudes.
- Don't let these people confuse you with their victimhood. If they feel really bad about an action they have committed, keep a positive attitude, but don't encourage them to manipulate you.
Step 5. Look on the bright side
Many people have hidden qualities and your goal is to find them: they may excel in some activity or have shared moments of understanding with you. If you can't see any positive side, repeat to yourself that “All lives are precious” or that “Everyone has the right to be happy”, even if you don't love it and don't think it is important.
Step 6. Confide in someone
If you know someone who can understand the situation (a trusted friend, relative, psychologist, etc.), share your problem: you will be able to receive understanding, support and comfort. It would be better if your confidant did not know the person directly and is not involved in any sphere of their life, such as work.
Let out on the pages of a diary or on social networks
Part 3 of 4: Protect Yourself
Step 1. Defend your self-esteem
It is difficult to keep a positive image of yourself when another person paints you in a negative way. Rather than listening to these people, focus on those who appreciate you and make you feel good. Realize that impossible people need to hurt others to feel better about themselves.
- Keep in mind that the problem is not you, but the impossible person. It probably won't be easy because impossible people are very adept at placing the blame on others and making them feel responsible. However, if you can take responsibility for your mistakes and flaws, and then try to improve yourself, it is almost certain that the impossible person is not you.
- When a sentence hurts you, realize that the goal of the impossible person is not to denigrate your personality, but to feel superior in the eyes of others. You don't need confirmation of this type.
- If the insults have no basis, just dismiss them. You are not as evil as the impossible person wants you to appear.
Step 2. Defend your privacy
Impossible people often use information about you to ruin your reputation, even though they are aware of how vile and petty such a gesture is. They are capable of making up stories from scratch and portraying you as a horrible person based simply on your insignificant consideration. As manipulative experts, impossible people are also very good at poking others to get confessions from them.
Do not reveal any personal details to an impossible person, however sane or kind to you they may seem. Revelations made in a completely confidential way risk turning against you when you least expect it, returning to obsess you in private or professional life
Step 3. Behave differently
Be a "possible" person. Make your life a model of tolerance, patience, humility and kindness. Always try to be reasonable. Evaluate all aspects of a story before drawing conclusions.
- If negative behavior can negatively affect people, tolerance, patience and kindness can sometimes cause the opposite effect.
- Recognize that you are not perfect. It is not always necessary to do everything correctly: the important thing is to give your best. Show respect and, if you do not receive it in return, at least try to convince yourself that it is not your problem, but the other person's. There will be good days and bad days, just like all other spheres of your life.
Step 4. Do not put an impossible person at the center of attention
While it is not possible to erase these people from your life, do not allow them to occupy your mind during your free time. Thinking continuously about an impossible person is equivalent to giving her precious time without being reciprocated. Engage in other activities and make new friends to avoid wasting your time mulling over their words or behaviors.
Step 5. This person may be emotionally abusing you
Those who emotionally abuse someone use words and gestures to belittle them. Humiliation, denial, criticism, domination, accusations, claims and emotional distance are just some of the techniques used to enslave another person. Never allow other people's words to dictate who you are. These words and actions derive from a difficult childhood or from unresolved problems that are now projected onto you.
- The best thing to do is to be kind and friendly even if the impossible person misbehaves to get attention.
- If this person feels alone and does not know how to get the attention of others, they will appreciate what you are doing and will change.
- If this person has a natural predisposition to drive others crazy, they will get mad at you for not giving in to their taunts, but will eventually leave you alone.
Step 6. Establish rules
Define what is legal or not in the relationship. Establish that neither of you will be able to involve certain topics, events or people or behave in a certain way. The ideal is to decide at the table what is allowed and the consequences to be adopted when the rules are not respected. Give this person the choice of whether to respect them or not.
- Write down what you think and clarify your wishes and needs. Meet the other person and express your point of view. Don't let him interrupt you and keep going until you're done. Be honest. Push your interlocutor if necessary, but focus the discussion on the benefits of changing a negative attitude.
- If you decide to keep the relationship with an impossible person, you need to spend more time alone. Take up a hobby, join a support group or religious community.
- Have him face the consequences of his actions when the rules are not followed. Don't let the situation get out of hand. If you promised you would leave, don't hold back.
Step 7. Separate yourself from the impossible person
Eventually, you will have to part with this person. It doesn't matter if you are related: you will have to move away from this person at some point. A lasting relationship with an impossible person is not healthy. Get it out of your life as soon as possible.
- Keep your distance after you push her away. However much you may love her or convince yourself that she has changed, don't retrace your steps.
- If you can't leave or push the other person away right now, end the relationship at least in your head until a physical separation is possible.
- At first, being immovable on this point can hurt you, but you will feel relieved when you can break free of old habits.
Part 4 of 4: Coping with Different Types of Personalities
Step 1. Try to understand what is bothering you about this person
Everyone has aspects of their character that can be briefly described. Some personalities are clingy, in need of control, prone to victimization, passive-aggressive, histrionic, or overly competitive. If you can identify which is the characteristic of the impossible person most in contrast with your personality, you may understand how to relate.
- Clingy personalities are insecure and desperately try to receive affection and love in order to bridge their weaknesses by idealizing strong personalities.
- Personalities in need of control are often pathological perfectionists who must always be right and often blame others for justifying certain attitudes.
- Competitive personalities want to get the better of every opportunity and often use any kind of relationship, conversation, or activity to show that they are superior.
- Passive-aggressive personalities express their hostilities indirectly by provoking others in a subtle way. A typical phrase of theirs is “Don't worry, that's fine by me”, when in reality you know very well that if you don't stop doing what you are doing, you will pay the consequences in the future.
Step 2. Find out which methods are not working
Some methods have positive effects on some types of people, others don't. You may have to try to figure out which ones will allow you to get positive results. Most of the time there is nothing to be done to make the relationship with this person easier.
- Avoiding people who show a constant need for affection and attention will only push them to persevere. However, rejecting them openly could make them hostile. Also, keeping your distance will hurt their feelings.
- It is not possible to prove to a personality in need of control that he is wrong. A pathological perfectionist must always be right, and despite your commitment to meeting their expectations, they will still haunt you.
- Very competitive people will use your alleged weaknesses to counter you, so don't show your emotionality in their presence. If you resist and try to get the better of them, they will tend to abandon you or they will never let you go.
- Do not agree with people who always complain and do not please them because they will always have something to complain about.
- Victims need to be pitied. Don't be compassionate and don't let them make up excuses. Be practical and offer your help in another way.
Step 3. Find out which methods work
It is possible to do something about some personality types and be able to manage the negative aspects. Use their strengths to resolve conflict and relationship stress by scaling down their weaknesses. This behavior with some people could be very effective.
Step 4. Deal with clingy, controlling and competitive personalities
Try to understand why some types of people behave the way they do. Clingy people need control and responsibility to gain self-confidence. Controlling personalities are often insecure and fear they are inadequate. Competitive people care a lot about their image, so they are usually very kind and generous after getting what they want.
- Show clingy people how to behave and then let them figure it out for themselves. Don't be persuaded to do something for them just because they tell you you're better. Find the occasion when you need their help and try to get it.
- Don't be intimidated or bothered by the words of a controlling personality. Recognize when you do a good job, but don't argue if the opposite is said.
- As for competitive people, you have no choice but to let them win. During a discussion, they will not abandon their beliefs, they will not admit that they are wrong and they will not want to go deeper into the subject.
Step 5. Deal with presumptuous people, who constantly complain or have victimizing attitudes
Presumptuous people need to feel heard. People who complain constantly usually hold a deep grudge from unresolved problems and often need to be heard as well. To those who show victimistic attitudes, misfortunes always happen and for each lack there is always a justification.
- If you are dealing with a presumptuous person, just listen to them.
- Try to put up with people who do nothing but complain and understand their feelings, then try to stay away from them as much as possible.
- Ignore the reason why the victim arrives late or causes some problems, then behave as you normally would do with those who do not have an excuse. You can give advice, but don't get emotionally involved.
Step 6. Deal with histrionic and passive-aggressive people
Histrionic personality types live to be the center of attention and often work hard to get it. It is essential for these people to live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes and send their children to the right schools. Passive-aggressive people are often hostile because they don't know how to express their wants and needs effectively.
- Histrionic people are often considered to be "first women" and this applies to both women and men. Avoid getting caught up in their tragedies and emotional instability. Listen to them, but keep your distance.
- Deal with passive-aggressive people with the utmost sincerity about behaviors and circumstances that may be a problem. Then, practice dealing with hostilities with indifference. Set rules by encouraging them to express wants and needs, as well as learn to communicate assertively.
Advice
- If you feel you can be an impossible person, you have already taken the first step towards healing. Learn to view other people's opinions with an open mind. Stand up for your opinions, but accept that they may be wrong.
- Stay calm and composed, but don't use sarcasm against these types of people, especially at work. You risk losing your job, so always try to be professional.
