Overcoming a failure means first of all recognizing it and starting over. First, the feeling of having failed must be defeated. A failed project, relationship, or other goal may be daunting at first. But if you recognize this disappointment and accept the mistakes you've made, you'll be able to move on. Healthy optimism coupled with a good dose of realism will help you come up with a new strategy without condemning yourself to failure. Remember that your real long-term goal will be learning to be resilient, meaning you will need to develop the ability to adapt and grow. Each failure gives the opportunity to become stronger and wiser.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping with Disappointment
Step 1. Don't repress your emotions
When you feel defeated, it can happen that you are overwhelmed by emotions such as self-righteousness, disappointment and despair. Putting the most painful feelings under the rug can have a negative effect on your health, relationships, and your chance of success in the future. As soon as an emotion appears, acknowledge it. Try to name it, be it anger, sadness, fear, or shame. This will allow you to process it without risking to dump it on yourself or others.
- Process your feelings calmly. If you try to resolve or overcome a disappointment before you even know how you feel, you risk acting recklessly.
- Suppressing bitter feelings can cause health problems, such as chronic pain, sleep deprivation, and even heart disease.
Step 2. Accept what happened
Once you have recovered from the initial shock, force yourself to accept what happened. If you just blame yourself or others, pretend it's nonsense or that nothing has happened, it will be harder to move on. Rework the facts by writing them or reflecting on them, consider the causes and consequences. Evaluate only the facts, without blame, judgments or justifications. If you have a diary, use it for this purpose, but you can also write a letter to yourself.
- If you find writing is not a form of expression that suits your needs, try to talk to someone about it. A trusted friend, relative, or psychologist can help you get through the denial stage.
- Ask the parties involved (but not emotionally affected) by the situation for their opinion. For example, if you've ended a relationship, a friend of yours may have noticed the first signs of separation.
- If you can't get through the denial phase (for example, you refuse to talk about it or acknowledge what happened, don't work out your possible faults or ignore the repercussions of what happened), examine what is stopping you from moving forward. In the event that you recognize this failure, what do you fear will happen? For example, you may feel like a failure because your daughter has a drug addiction problem. Instead of facing it, you follow the path of denial, you even give her money to buy "clothes", knowing full well that she will spend it to get drugs.
- Identify irrational or excessive fears. Are you afraid that this failure could challenge your intelligence or your skills? Do you think you are the only one who has ever faced such an obstacle and that others will judge you? Are you worried that if you fail, others will be disappointed in you or lose interest in you?
- Reflect on the consequences of action and inertia. What results can you get by taking action? What are you likely to get worse by standing still? For example, you ended a painful relationship. You refuse to examine what went wrong or hang out with other people in order not to deal with the pain of another breakup. Of course, inactivity allows you to protect yourself from rejection or pain caused by the end of a love. On the other hand, avoiding going out also means missing out on opportunities for fun and socialization opportunities, with the risk of giving up the potential birth of a new fantastic relationship.
Part 2 of 3: Having the Right Setup
Step 1. Practice the positive reformulation method
It allows you to identify the positive aspects of a situation, even of a failure. Analyze your specific case and think of different ways to describe it. "Bankruptcy" is a rather subjective term. Instead of saying "I'm a failure because I can't find a job", he says, "I haven't found a job so far" or "The job search is taking longer than I hoped for." Don't try to hide your mistakes under the carpet: recognize them without judgment and aim to improve.
- Another way to rephrase what happened? Understand why you made a hole in the water, then try again in light of your mistakes. To find out what works, you must first be able to recognize what doesn't work.
- Failure gives you the opportunity to learn and understand: thanks to your mistakes and the lessons you get from them, you will do things differently in the future.
- Take as a model all those athletes, scientists and other important people who have tried and failed, but then persevered until they succeeded. Think Michael Jordan: Banned from his school's basketball team, he worked hard and became one of the best players of all time.
- Try to use your sense of humor to cheer you up in bad moments: "Well, I haven't found a job yet, but I've gotten really good at writing cover letters!". Seeing the comical side of the situation helps you relax and look at things from a different perspective.
- A sense of humor is essential for learning to be resilient - laughing good-naturedly at yourself will help you face even the biggest challenges.
Step 2. Identify recurring negative thoughts
After a failure, we often tend to blame ourselves, even insult ourselves. Learn to identify negative mind patterns so you can defuse them. Here are some classics: think in absolutist terms ("I have to do it perfectly the first time, or I'll throw in the towel"), be catastrophic ("It's the worst thing that ever happened to me. "I am a failure and a hypocrite").
- When you find these thoughts are confusing your mind, question them. Remember that they come from the most pessimistic, reached and critical part of you. Instead, ask yourself, "Is this the truth?" Look for concrete evidence to support these claims or disprove them.
- Write a statement that disproves these inner dialogues of yours. If you continue to think of yourself as a failure, write something like "I'm a competent person" on a post-it note and stick it in the mirror. Repeat it out loud and you will see that you can gradually begin to change negative mental patterns.
Step 3. Stop ruminating about failure
Can't stop thinking about what happened and just reliving it in your mind? This is called brooding. It doesn't help you understand what you could have done differently or how to improve, the only thing it does is amplify negative emotions.
- Try keeping a journal to silence obsessive thoughts. Eliminating them from your mind by putting them on paper can give you relief when you are brooding. They can also help you uncover hidden fears.
- Instead of thinking and rethinking what happened, stop for a moment and ask yourself, "What have I learned?" You may have found that it's best to leave the house 30 minutes before an appointment to avoid showing up late for a future job interview.
- Practice mindful meditation to return to the present. It helps you to stop worrying about past events, to focus on the here and now. You will start asking yourself: "What can I do differently today?".
Part 3 of 3: Getting back on track
Step 1. Address the cause of failure
What got in the way of your project? Could you have foreseen it? Think about possible solutions you could have put in place and their possible consequences. Were your initial expectations unrealistic? Try talking to your loved ones and colleagues about it to discuss these thoughts.
- If you didn't get the promotion you expected, make an appointment with your supervisor to find out where you went wrong. But first wait until the most delicate stages and the acute phase of disappointment have passed. Before the meeting, you must examine your possible mistakes and prepare questions to ask to understand how to improve in the future.
- If you weren't able to find the job you wanted, try reading online profiles of people who do it. Have they received a different education than yours? Do they have more years of experience? Were they hired at a different time?
- If it is a sentimental disappointment, ask yourself if you have put pressure on the other person or have demanded too much. Could you understand how she felt, did you know what she thought about the relationship? Did you support his projects and his friendships?
Step 2. Set realistic goals
Once you have worked out the causes of disappointment, strive to determine more realistic goals for the future. What do you want to happen? What actions to implement to have more chances to fulfill your wishes? Talk to trusted people to examine the realism of your new lens.
- For example, if you recently took your first half marathon and were hoping to run a mile in 7 minutes, your ambitions were probably too high. For a future race, aim to run a little faster than last time. If you ran a mile in 10 minutes, try doing it in 9 minutes in the future. Train for this.
- If your goal was to publish a novel before the end of the year, lighten the new milestone. For example, make it a point to ask for feedback on the draft. Sign up for a creative writing workshop, but you can also hire a freelance proofreader or writing coach.
Step 3. Practice the mind contrast technique
It will help you find a balance between optimistic mindset and realistic planning. First, visualize a perfect realization of your goal. Visualize the achievement of the final milestone for a few minutes. Then, change your thoughts and imagine any impediments that may arise. Visualizing obstacles on your way to a reasonable goal can actually make you feel more energetic and able to cope with problems. Instead, if the goal is unrealistic, this exercise will likely convince you to let go and instead focus on something doable.
Recognizing the obstacles that stand between you and your goals isn't bad or detrimental. The mental contrast exercise will allow you not to fixate on unattainable goals or to mull over what you cannot do
Step 4. Change your approach
Gather ideas and select the one that feels most solid to you. Test this solution in your head with the mind contrast method. Ask yourself if you have enough resources to implement the new plan. What problems might arise? How will you fix them? What needs to be developed before starting?
- Avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your new approach shouldn't include strategies that have likely led you to failure in the past.
- Think of a plan B. Even plans that are put in place correctly can fail due to unforeseen complications. Make sure you get back into the game with a solid backup plan.
Step 5. Try again
Once you've set a new goal and established a solid plan, get to work on crossing the finish line. As you implement the new steps, take some time to reflect on your progress. You can definitely change the approach. In fact, you learn on the way, so it's normal to fix and slightly change the method. Whether you reach the ultimate goal or have to try again, you will have gained greater resilience.
