Sometimes you find yourself doing things and you have no idea why. Why are you yelling at your son? Why did you choose to continue your current job instead of changing it? Why did you argue with your parents about something you don't even care about? Our unconscious controls a large part of our behavior and, therefore, the thinking behind many of our decisions in life can be shrouded in mystery. However, if you know how to pay attention, you can gain a greater understanding of yourself: why you make certain decisions, what makes you happy, and how you could change for the better.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Take Awareness of Yourself
Step 1. Make an objective assessment
The first thing to do to have a greater understanding of yourself is to make objective assessments. Of course, you could turn to people you know, but the experiences they have gained with you will lead them to formulate the same prejudices that you also harbor. Having an objective opinion will give you a better picture, making you consider things you never even thought of before. In this regard, there are some tests you can do to know different aspects of yourself (which are more than the few that you consider less reliable):
- The Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator states that each person has 1 personality out of 16 different basic personalities. These personalities describe how you interact with people, the types of interpersonal problems and strengths, but also the type of environment in which you live and work best. A basic version of this test can be found on the internet if you want to learn how to understand your personality better.
- If you're trying to figure out what makes you happy and what you should be doing in life, consider taking a career test. These types of tests can help you choose what's most satisfying based on your personality and what's best for your enjoyment. There are several online, usually free, but if you have the opportunity to consult a consultant, he or she may give you one with reliable results.
- There is a theory that each person learns and processes their experiences in a certain way. This is called the "learning style". Knowing what your learning style is will help you, once you finish school, to understand why you struggle in some areas, while you excel in others. As with the other tests, you can find a number of free questionnaires online. Just be aware that this is a controversial science, with many theories about how learning styles exist, that you can get different results depending on the test.
- You can also find other tests (in English) covering a variety of topics in Psychology Today.
Step 2. Do writing exercises to understand your character
When writers write a book, they often do writing exercises that help them better understand the characters they are sketching. You can do these same exercises to have a greater understanding of yourself by finding them for free online. Of course they can't say anything official about you, because they mostly rely on the way you provide the answers, but they can lead you to think about things you never thought about before. Try answering the following questions to get an idea of what such a test might look like:
- How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
- What is the purpose of your life?
- What is the most important thing that has ever happened to you? How did it change you?
- How do you feel different from the people around you?
Step 3. Assess your strengths and weaknesses
You can come to a better understanding of who you are and what is most important to you by thinking about your strengths and weaknesses. Important: It is advisable to compare your perception of your strengths and weaknesses with those identified by your friends, family and colleagues. The things that others see that you cannot see can say a lot about you and how you see yourself.
- Strengths can include determination, devotion, self-discipline, reflection, determination, patience, diplomacy, communication skills, and imagination or creativity.
- Weaknesses include closed-mindedness, self-centeredness, difficulty in perceiving reality, the judgment of others and problems with control.
Step 4. Examine your priorities
What you think is most important in life and daily interactions can say a lot about you. Think about your priorities, compare them with those of other people you respect, and reflect on the conclusions you come to. Of course, you need to be open to the idea that you may have an inappropriate ordering of your priorities (many people don't), because that too can tell you a lot about yourself.
- If your house was burning, what would you do? What would you save? It is amazing how fire manages to highlight our priorities. Saving something practical, like tax documents, also tells us something about us (you'd probably rather be prepared and not encounter hostility in life).
- Another way to tell what your priorities are is to imagine that someone you love is openly criticized about something you don't accept (for example, they're gay but you don't agree with their lifestyle). Do you support it? Do you protect him? How? What would you say? Our reactions to criticism and a possible sense of disapproval can reveal our priorities.
- Some examples of priorities that people take into account often involve money, family, sex, respect, security, stability, material possessions, and well-being.
Step 5. See how you have changed
Look at the past and think about how what has happened to you throughout your life has affected the way you act and think today. Observing your own changes can reveal a lot about the reasons behind your actions, because current behaviors are based on past experiences.
For example, you may tend to be overly defensive in front of people who rob and act very hard on those you think are stealing. This eventuality is probably due to the fact that as a child your parents punished you severely, once you were caught stealing some candy in a store, which would explain your reaction, stronger than normal, to this type of gesture today
Part 2 of 3: Analyzing Thoughts and Actions
Step 1. Test yourself when you experience strong emotions
Sometimes you feel noticeably angry, sad, happy, or excited. Understanding what triggers these stronger than normal reactions, what their root cause is, can help you understand yourself better.
For example, you may be short-tempered with someone who talks during a movie. Do you get angry because he talks or because you feel it as a lack of respect towards you? Since anger does not help the situation, it would be better to try to find a way to be less anxious towards those who respect you, just not to get upset
Step 2. Attention to repression and transference
Repression occurs when one does not prefer not to think about something, in order to forget something that has happened. Transference is when you react emotionally to something, but in reality the reaction occurs for something else. Both of these behaviors, which are very common, are harmful and finding out why you adopt them and finding a way to manage these emotions in a healthier way will make you a much happier person.
For example, you may not feel sad about your dying grandmother, but when the family decides to get rid of her favorite chair, you probably react with anger and upset. You're actually not really mad about the chair, as it may be stained, smelly, and possibly contain some radioactive padding, for what you know. You are upset because your grandmother is gone
Step 3. Notice how and when they talk about you
Do you turn every chat into a conversation about yourself? Do you make different jokes about yourself every time you talk about yourself? How and when we talk about you can reveal a lot about how you think and how others perceive you. Sometimes it's healthy to talk about yourself and it's nice to realize that you can't do everything, but you have to pay attention to extremes and think about why you get there.
For example, a friend may have just finished a PhD, but when you talk about it, you bring the conversation to when you were studying to graduate. You may feel embarrassed to only get a degree in front of your interlocutor who has finished a PhD, so try to feel more important or experienced by diverting the conversation to yourself
Step 4. Observe how and why you interact with people
When you are with others, do you tend to mortify them? Perhaps you are noticing that you only spend time with people who have more money than you. Even behaviors like these can teach you things about yourself and what is truly important to you.
- For example, if you choose to surround yourself only with people who are wealthier than you, this aspect could show that you want to feel richer by pretending to be like them.
- Think about what you "feel" by comparing it to what has been said. This is another thing to look out for when analyzing interactions with friends and family. You may find that what you feel means "I need your help" when what others are actually saying is "I want your company," revealing your need to feel useful to others.
Step 5. Write your bio
Write your bio in 500 words in 20 minutes. To do this, you will have to write very quickly and think less about what you enter, in order to identify what the brain thinks is most important in defining who you are. For many people 20 minutes won't even be enough time to write 500 words. Thinking about what upsets you, you will not be able to come out of it unlike what you have said which can express something about you.
Step 6. See how long you can wait for gratification
Studies have shown that people who can put off feeling satisfied spend their lives better, getting better grades, better training, and keeping their bodies healthy. Think about situations where you could have postponed gratification. What have you done? If you have a hard time waiting, you should work on it, as this often contributes to success.
Stanford University has made a famous experiment in this regard, called the "Marshmallow Experiment", where the reactions of some young people to the marshmallows offered following their progress in life have been observed for many decades. Children who turned down marshmallows in exchange for a bigger reward have achieved greater success at school and at work, keeping themselves healthy
Step 7. Discuss whether or not something needs to be said
When you do something, for example at work, think about whether you usually identify what your next task will be, without being asked for anything, if you need someone else to tell you what to do before acting, or if you prefer to skip all this just to say someone else what to do. Each of these behaviors can express different things about you based on the situation.
Remember that there is nothing wrong with when you feel the need to get instructions and directions before doing a job. You need to realize this so that you can better understand and control your behavior when important things happen. For example, if you know you feel bad about taking control of a situation, but at the same time you know it is necessary, consider your reluctance as a "mindset" that you can break and not as a necessity
Step 8. Observe how you react to difficult or new situations
When things get really difficult, for example when you lose your job, a loved one is missing or someone is threatening you, the most hidden or controlled parts of the character tend to come out. Think about how you reacted in the past when the tension rose. Why did you react a certain way? How would you have liked to react? Would you still be inclined to react that way now?
- You can also imagine these scenarios, but be aware that your hypothetical answers may be clouded by prejudice and, therefore, will not be as accurate as to how you would really react.
- For example, imagine moving to a new city where no one knows you. Where would you go to make friends? What kind of people would you like to meet? Is there anything you would change about what people think of you and that all of your current friends know? This can reveal your priorities and what you are looking for in social interactions.
Step 9. Think about how power affects your behavior
If you are in a position of power, think about the effect this might have on your behavior. Many people in these cases become tougher, less open-minded, more authoritarian and suspicious. When you find yourself making decisions that affect others, reflect on the real reason why you are making these choices: is it because it is the right thing to do or is it because you need to feel in control of the situation?
For example, when you babysit your brother, do you put him in detention for minor problems? Are you doing it to teach him something or are you just looking for reasons to punish him?
Step 10. Examine your influences
Things that affect the way you think and see the world can say a lot about you, whether you actually conform to what they teach or not. By seeing where these influences shape your behavior, you can better grasp the root of the behaviors you engage in. By seeing the points where you deviate from those behaviors, you can also identify your uniqueness and your personal thinking. Influences can include:
- The media, including TV shows, movies, books and even pornography.
- Parents, who may teach you things like tolerance vs. racism to material wealth vs. the spiritual one.
- Friends, who are pressing you to have fun in a certain way or to have new and wonderful experiences.
Part 3 of 3: Opening up to Reflection
Step 1. Abandon the defensive attitude
If you really want to reflect and understand yourself better, you will need to meditate on things you don't like about yourself and admit things you probably don't want to admit. It is easy to take a defensive attitude when you find yourself recognizing this kind of thing in front of yourself, but if you have every intention of understanding how to commit yourself, then you will have to abandon that kind of attitude. Even if you don't lower your defense in front of others, at least do it with yourself.
Being less defensive in the face of your weaknesses can also lead to opening up for help from other people and regretting past mistakes. If you are more open to discussion, criticism and change, others can really help you understand and improve yourself
Step 2. Be honest with yourself
Sometimes we lie to ourselves more than we'd like to think. We help ourselves by justifying questionable choices with noble or logical reasons, even when we do so only out of revenge or laziness. But hiding the real reason behind our motives doesn't help us change and doesn't make us better people. Remember: there is no reason to lie to yourself. Even if you discover a truly unacceptable truth about yourself, you will have a chance to face problems instead of pretending they don't exist.
Step 3. Listen to what others are saying to you and about you
Sometimes, especially when we do unpleasant things, others try to warn us against such behaviors. We also tend not to listen. Sometimes this can be good, because many people say things about you just to hurt you, without their comments being grounded in fact. But sometimes what they say can be a good external analysis of how you behave. Think about what people have said in the past and ask for a new opinion on your behavior.
- For example, your sister may notice that you tend to overdo it. However, this is not intentional on your part, which can serve to show you that your perception of reality is a bit distant.
- There is a big difference between evaluating what others say about you and letting others' opinions control your life and actions. You shouldn't adapt your behavior based on other people, unless they have a noticeably negative impact on your life (and even then, it's worth taking into consideration that your surroundings may be the problem, not yours. behavior). Make changes because you intend to change, not because someone else tells you to.
Step 4. Give advice
Giving advice often can offer you great opportunities to reflect on your problems, re-evaluating them from the outside. By observing someone else's situation, you will be more likely to think about situations and circumstances that you have never thought of before.
In theory, you wouldn't even need to actually do it, although helping friends, family, and even strangers is a nice thing to do. You can advise your loved ones, whether they are older or younger, by writing a letter. This way you can evaluate your past experiences and what led you elsewhere, but also what is really important for your future
Step 5. Don't rush and have your life experiences
The best way to truly know yourself is to live your life. Just like getting to know another person, understanding yourself takes time. By doing so, you will learn much more through life experiences than by doing questionnaires. You can try:
- Travel. Travel will put you in many different situations, testing your ability to manage stress and adapt to change. You will come to a greater understanding of what makes you feel happy, your priorities and dreams than you could by simply settling into your boring life ever.
- Build your cultural background. Real education challenges us to think in ever new ways. Having a certain level of education will open your mind, leading you to think about things that you would never have even considered. Your interests and how you feel about learning new topics can tell you a lot about yourself.
- Let go of expectations. Forget the expectations other people may have about you. Leave yours alone too. Leave aside expectations of what your life should be like. By doing so, you will be more open to the happiness and satisfaction you will encounter during new experiences. Life is like a crazy roller coaster: you will run into a flood of things that will scare you because they are new or different, but don't lock yourself in these situations. You will probably be happier than you have ever been.
Advice
- Before trying to understand yourself, be yourself. Can't understand who you are not.
- If you are always angry or sad, then you have no idea who you are. Try to understand this.
- If you understand who you are and don't like it, change what you don't like.
Warnings
- Don't get mad at yourself.
- Do not doubt and do not dwell on the past, because it no longer exists.
