Time is the only thing that can be measured, saved, bought and sold but that cannot be seen, touched or felt, sometimes you can't even have enough. For this reason, you need to waste time (not to be confused with killing time) only when you have already done everything you had to do. If you want to be as unproductive as possible, just follow these simple steps.
Steps
Step 1. Plan
Forget everything you were doing and start planning something better. There are tons of situations you may not be prepared for! Here are some ideas:
- How to decorate your bedroom.
- What to say to Kim-Jong Un next time you see him.
- Your next vacation.
- How to obtain dominion of the Universe.
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What to do during a zombie apocalypse.
Okay, seriously. Which friend would you leave for the zombies because it slows you down? What skills should you learn to be safe? They must be useful, the last times are approaching
Step 2. Do a couple of calculations
What if the numbers in your tax code add up to 66? You can't know if you don't calculate them, right? Hurry up! Here is another list of things you could calculate:
- Your budget.
- How many minutes have you been alive, or how many minutes are left before your birthday, before Christmas, etc.
- How much would you give as a percentage to your loved ones or to charity, if you had one million euros.
- How many people do you know a year and how many do you really like.
Step 3. Imagine some crazy situations
You can literally let your mind wander and hope to get something very valuable. Surely you have imagined yourself as a billionaire on your Yacht in the Mediterranean with Arcuri, or that you do the job you have always dreamed of, but have you ever tried to push yourself beyond the limits of your creativity?
- Imagine being locked in the bathroom for the next 30 minutes. How would you get out?
- Imagine having to give dance or "other" lessons to a bear. Which methodology would you apply?
- Imagine that you have suddenly turned into a werewolf. What would be the first thing you would do? Werewolves don't have much control over their impulses, try to be realistic.
- Imagine that you have to hunt or find food for lunch. What would you end up eating?
- Imagine that everyone around you is wearing a kilt. After all, why not?
Step 4. Compile lists
Obviously I'm not talking about the shopping list, that would be useful, here we are talking about lists that you did not know you could draw up. Consider some of these assumptions:
- Make a list of all the words you could spell with your name.
- Make a list of the ten most attractive people you know.
- Make a list of the ten ugliest people you know.
- Make a list of questions you would like answered.
- Make a list of the people you would have arrested if you were a dictator.
Step 5. Memorize something
The first 36 digits of pi? Too simple, we might as well learn the Fibonacci sequence. Here are some things you could learn by heart (without hurting your finger):
- The order of the books of the Bible.
- The succession of the Kings of England.
- The dates and verdicts of the most important cases of crime news (Erika and Omar, the Erba massacre, The case of Meredith, etc.)
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The lyrics of "Stayin 'Alive", by the Bee Gees.
Who are we kidding? It is very useful
Step 6. Retrieve old memories
Take a minute to sit back, relax and remember the good old days. They are there, somewhere, aren't they?
- Try to remember who was with you on the bus this morning, or at the bar when you were having coffee. Can you remember it?
- Visualize your bedroom from the overhead bed. What are the strangely empty spaces?
- Remember how your best friend looked when you were young and had a thousand adventures.
- Remember the last time you paid a compliment or laughed or helped someone.
Step 7. Test yourself
Who needs others? Test yourself! Test your skills! You can try some of these ideas:
- See how long you can resist without blinking / breathing / speaking / using the letter "N", etc.
- See how many times you can fold a sheet of paper
- Keep objects balanced… on your toes.
- Understand how embarrassing it can be to imitate an animal in public, or to walk around with your clothes inside out, or to sing out loud.
Step 8. Invent new ways to use the objects around you
The lamp on the desk? It is not only used to make light, it is also a beautiful hat! And that stapler looks just like a maraca. Take a look around, haven't you taken too many things for what they are?
The computer power supply? A beautiful new age necklace, or a belt! But the objects around you aren't just clothes. That painting is a table, and those ingredients in the kitchen? They are just waiting to be recombined with recipes invented by you
Step 9. Have useless conversations
"Stalin was the best" or "People just can't understand the cultural and anachronistic meaning behind The Pupa and the Geek" can be fine. Make sure you keep a straight face and choose topics that don't let people know that you are making fun of them.
- Don't go around saying Starbucks is God's gift to capitalism if you're a staunch hipster. Pick a credible topic so people are encouraged to discuss it.
- Be warned, these kinds of conversations could (fix: they definitely can) cause you problems if you can't handle them well. Some people may lose their esteem for you if you spend 5 minutes talking with them about your plan to finance a university scholarship for Luca Giurato. Even declaring a political / religious / economic belief in which you do not believe at all can bring you problems.
Step 10. Get to the computer
Now things get serious: the Internet was invented on purpose to waste time. If we had a list of how to waste time on the internet, we would fall into an endless cycle of anti-productivity.
- Read blogs. There are blogs about practically everything in this world. Switch from one blog to another randomly, many have a special button.
- Take some quizzes, tests, surveys, or find some games. But only if you've already checked what the new trends are on Facebook.
- Run a self-diagnosis on Wikipedia. Make sure you have your phone handy so you can call your mom and scare her right!
- You could also read the news, but it would make too much sense.
- If all of these things are too obvious, you can always do hard drive defragmentation and watch it until it completes. It will take taaaaaaaantissimo. Doing a good virus scan and data backup is also a good way to waste time.
Step 11. Take the wikiHow challenge
wikiHow is not part of the internet, it is much better. But you already knew this. So why get stuck in the dangers and mediocrities of cyberspace when you could very well stay here and benefit from it? Are you ready? Ready Set Go!
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How long does it take you to go from "How to Shower" to "Regain Control of Your Runaway Camel"? And from “Put your makeup on like Clio” to “Enhance your personality with wikiHow”?
Remember, you can only click on links that are on the page you are already on. Like in the Wikipedia game, but much more fun
Step 12. Plan a joke
This too can create problems if done carefully. Make sure you prank the right person at the right time. When you are sure, think about what object to put in the jelly! Mmm.
Think outside the box! Lemon juice in toothpaste? Move all objects on someone's desk an inch to the left? Something that ends with glitter all over the place? Some jokes need special materials, do you have a lot of time to waste?
Step 13. Do everything in slow motion
I bet 10 euros that you will get bored before everyone else. But try it anyway! Good luck with that cup of coffee!
If you don't like things in slow motion, try doing things backwards. Talk backwards, walk backwards, you decide (eat upside down? Better not). Or do everything in reverse. What is the opposite of reading wikiHow articles?
Step 14. Annoy people
You could spend so many hours on this site learning how to annoy people, that you may wonder if your entire life hasn't been a huge waste of time up until this very moment. What are you waiting for? Stop memorizing the digits of pi, you have other things to do!
Okay, when we say "annoy", we actually mean it in a sweet and fun way. It means pretending to be a mime every hour of the hour, not being constantly late for appointments with friends just to make them run the so-called ones. It means talking to the monkeys in the natural history museum, not changing their position and getting thrown out. Enjoy entertainment that has amusing consequences, not criminal ones
Step 15. Think of fun ways to do things
Humans are programmed to be as efficient as possible; for most situations, at least. By now you will have more or less understood how this story of "life" works, but are there other ways to achieve goals?
- How could you wake up in the morning without an alarm?
- How could you text a friend without a phone or computer.
- How could you get to the kitchen without touching the floor?
Step 16. Do things just to undo them
Dig a pit and then fill it up. Arrange the books on the shelf by author and then by the cover color. Make your bed and jump upstairs. Write an article on wikiHow and delete it before publishing it. The world is your home. If you have a little inventiveness, use it.
This is the ultimate waste of time. Go, put all the stuff in the counters, even if you know your mom will put it back in its place tonight. Paint a picture and cover it with other paint (Van Gogh? Is that you?). Add sarcastic comments to the first wikiHow article that pops up after clicking "Random Article" and then undo the change. Why why not?
Step 17. Read this article from top to bottom
Congratulations! You have reached the end of this article! You have already lost a good 20 minutes trying to waste time! And you didn't even know you were losing it while you were losing it! Very good. What a beautiful time to be alive. What does it feel like? Would you do it again, if you could?
It's okay even if you say no. You'll probably have things to do now. Tasks? A shower? Save the world? (do it, for heaven's sake). Strength and courage, Time wasters, knowing that time is your slave, and not vice versa. You can do whatever you want with it
Advice
- Take a look out the window, you might be surprised at the amount of things you've never noticed.
- If someone asks you what you are doing, answer, "I was just thinking about the global economic recession over the past decade and how greenhouse gases are gradually and inexorably destroying the ozone layer." Nobody will disturb you, and you can continue to waste time staring into space. Others will think you are looking for a way to stop the evil greenhouse gases and allow you to ponder your political and scientific ruminations.
- Set a personal freediving record, and then break it down. Do it and do it again.
- Repeat the words until they lose their meaning, make the whole world lose meaning! People might look at you badly.
- Go online and search for games, build a website, or edit wikiHow pages. Do all the searches you've always wanted to do on Google, search for your favorite TV shows on IMDB or Wikipedia.
- Review this article and see how long it takes you to memorize it all. Then put it into practice. So you will lose triple the time!
- Try setting the soap bubbles on fire. Make a mixture of soapy water and use a straw to make bubbles, then try setting it on fire. Better get it out.
- Think about the thoughts. How do they work so well, how does the brain record so much information?
- Look at the sky: go outside and look for funny shaped clouds, or some camouflaged UFO.
- Take pictures of everyday objects, but from different and new angles.
- Hide some money. Take some coins and hide them in places where no one would look.
- Go to Tumblr. Register, follow someone and spend hours there.
- Try having a conversation with yourself, you may discover things about yourself that you didn't know!
- Play table tennis against the wall.
- Hand rubbing is perfect. Go around pretending to be busy!
- Try doing something difficult but impressive, like practicing one-arm lifts.
- Gaze hard at what you are working on, or at the paper you should write the assignment on. People, watching you stare so intensely, will think you are reflecting on something.
- No matter what happens, DO NOT look at the clock. Otherwise time will pass much, much slower. In fact, better cover all the watches until you are done wasting time. (Note: Don't do this if you have an appointment and can't be late)
- Daydream: Think of all the "IFs" in your life. When you are done, move on to all "MA"!
- Remember that “Wasting time is not wasting time,” as John Lennon used to say
Warnings
- Wasting too much time prevents you from doing useful things. Do the useful things first, and then waste time.
- Wasting time can cause depression, loneliness and isolation, when combined with low self-esteem and feelings of self-disappointment.
- Wasting too much time, especially on the internet, can lead to loss of social life.
- Wasting too much time at school or university can cause you problems, and even fail.
- Wasting too much time in the workplace can lead to layoffs.
- Remember that the time you waste will never be returned to you. Life is shorter than you imagine.
