When you decide to face something or someone directly and proactively, it means that you are willing to engage in a confrontation. It can be quite a difficult situation, so many people try to avoid it at all costs. However, it is sometimes necessary. While it's not always a pleasant exchange of ideas, it has been shown that, if the adversarial is fruitful (and not aggressive), it helps to develop healthy boundaries within relationships, improve decision-making and challenge the status quo.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare for the Confrontation
Step 1. Find out why you are looking for a confrontation with someone
Before you take action, you need to understand why you intend to have an argument and also consider whether it is the most effective way to handle a problem. Keep in mind that confrontation is not about starting a fight, but about addressing and resolving issues that are a source of tension.
It is important to identify the real problem that leads to confrontation. People tend to project emotions or moods onto other people or situations. Before deciding whether to discuss with someone, take the time you need to analyze the issue you intend to address and why you believe face-to-face confrontation is the best way to resolve it
Step 2. Evaluate what you think and feel
Try to separate your feelings about the problem from other tangled situations or emotions that have nothing to do with the disagreement that has arisen. At the time of confrontation, your speech should focus exclusively on the issue from which the discussion arose.
- Distinguish the problem from the emotions. For example, are you angry that a co-worker forgot to give you a report, forcing you to work 6 hours more on a Friday night? Or are you nervous because you have had to undertake other work for which you will not be given any credit?
- Do not bring up old problems and do not take the opportunity to take revenge on things in the past. Behaviors or feelings that belong to the past and have no direct connection with the problem to be addressed should not be taken into consideration during the confrontation. Don't start throwing the frustrations you've been holding onto others.
Step 3. Establish your speech
You need to explain to the other person that you want to talk about what happened, heard, or did. Also, you need to clarify why you feel the need for a confrontation and your mood that arose from this situation. Here's an example of how you might frame the discussion, using first-person sentences:
- "A colleague told me you were going to tell our boss that I wasn't able to make a valuable contribution to the project" (when you have to talk about something you've heard).
- "I think I have worked hard and it is not clear to me why you expressed yourself this way" (when you have to explain why you want to have a confrontation).
- "I am mortified that you spoke behind my back with our manager" (when you have to expose your state of mind).
Step 4. Write down the main points and review them
You must try to say everything on your mind in a rational and controlled way, but it can be a difficult task if you don't prepare yourself first. By writing your thoughts on a piece of paper before the discussion, you will be sure to express everything you want to say to the other person.
- By repeating the main points you would like to make during the confrontation, you will feel calmer and more prepared when the time comes. Start reviewing them yourself in a room, while looking at yourself in the mirror. If there is someone you trust, you might as well practice in front of him.
- Try to memorize the main points. It will be much more effective than reading them on a sheet of paper during the discussion.
Step 5. Quench your anger before confrontation
Although sometimes, when we are angry, we tend to take it out on our interlocutor, we generally avoid confronting ourselves in a studied and controlled way. However, a balanced attitude can be a positive and effective solution that allows you to address a problem or problematic person. In any case, you should mentally prepare yourself for the discussion: you must remain calm and be ready for a cross-examination.
- Determine if you still feel anger at the other person or in relation to the problem you intend to discuss. If you're still nervous, it's probably not the best time to engage in constructive confrontation. Put it off until the anger has subsided and you are not sure you can have a rational, concrete and free from any emotional involvement conversation. The angrier you are, the more likely the conversation will turn into an argument.
- Take your discussion calmly and focus so that it is productive and does not become a war.
Step 6. Imagine ending the confrontation in a positive and fruitful way
Calculate the possibility of finding an agreement or a solution: this must be the goal of a confrontation. Remember that discussions are often successful.
By establishing what kind of result you would like to get from your comparison, you can orient the conversation in a profitable way
Step 7. Don't forget the positive aspects of the comparison
While it is annoying, annoying and difficult, it can also be a rewarding experience. Among the advantages of a confrontation there is the possibility of raising the mood and improving relationships with others.
- A confrontation can free you from the weight or tension of a situation. If there is something troubling you, by addressing the problem directly, you can get rid of unnecessary stress.
- Confrontation fosters honesty in relationships. You will get to know yourself better than you might imagine, and you will feel more confident in expressing your considerations openly. In addition to encouraging sincerity within relationships, the comparison also tends to strengthen the relationships themselves.
Part 2 of 3: Keep the Confrontation
Step 1. Tell the other person when and where to meet to talk
While you may be tempted to talk to her over the phone, text, or email, avoid using these means if you can. To successfully and effectively solve a problem, the best solution is to talk face-to-face. Try the following approaches to propose a meeting that allows you to have a constructive discussion:
- "Elisa, I noticed that we often collide when we meet in groups for our school project. Can we sit down, talk about our differences and see if we can find a solution that allows us to collaborate and carry out the project?".
- "Paolo, it would be nice to have the opportunity to talk about how we communicate. Do you think you have some time this afternoon to sit down and discuss?".
Step 2. Calmly express your point of view
Keep the discussion quiet, peaceful, and balanced. It is usually best to confront each other by speaking succinctly and succinctly and based on facts.
State what you need to say, but try not to blame your interlocutor. For example, you might say, "I got nervous when you gave the introduction to the boss without mentioning my contribution" instead of "You never acknowledge my contribution in projects I participate in."
Step 3. Be as open, honest and direct as possible
Even if you disagree with someone on a particular issue, you need to be mature when discussing it. By repeating the speech you have prepared (see "Part 1 of 3: Preparing for Confrontation"), you will be able to present the problem in the best possible way.
Do not launch insults or insults and refrain from provocations. Otherwise, it is certain that your point of view will not be considered or respected. If you keep your seriousness during a fight, the consequences will be better
Step 4. Prepare to listen
A conversation is fruitful if there is a balance between the parties that intervene and listen. Even if you disagree with your interlocutor, you need to listen to his speech when you have a confrontation with him.
- This is true for any kind of conversation, but especially for the more thorny ones, as a comparison can be.
- Avoid frightening. Stick to the facts to argue your point and don't let emotions take over.
Step 5. Be aware that your interlocutor may become defensive
People often take this attitude when they have a confrontation, as it is not pleasant to feel attacked. Even if you think you are reasonably arguing your speech and presenting it in a rational and respectful way, it is very likely that those in front of you will be on guard and get defensive.
- The best way to handle a defensive person is to listen to them. Even if you disagree with what she is telling you, you should give her a chance to express herself.
- Avoid arguing. It's easy to argue with someone who gets defensive. However, it is useless. Instead, do your best to keep a calm and controlled demeanor.
Step 6. Support your point of view
There's a reason you decided to confront a person, so you don't have to change your mind even if they disagree with you or take a defensive attitude. Point out that it is not your intention to start a conflict, but that there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. If you report facts and examples calmly and clearly, they will consider your speech.
Keep in mind that your opinion is important and that, to be able to express yourself truthfully, you must face all the difficulties of an argument
Part 3 of 3: Knowing When to Confront
Step 1. Talk to someone if there is a recurring problem
Consider the "rule of 3": if someone engages in the same behavior three times (such as "forgetting" their wallet at home, not replying to emails, etc. it is worth looking for a comparison.
Step 2. Confront someone if they cause further problems
If the person you are considering discussing with is causing problems in a broader context (e.g. in the workplace, within the family, etc.), you can only resolve the issue by confrontation. Understand that discussions in the workplace can be particularly difficult.
- If you feel like someone is taking advantage of you or is hindering you on purpose, a comparison can be helpful. If you are concerned about doing it face to face because there is a danger that the discussion could escalate, you should contact your HR manager and explain the problem.
- When confronting a colleague, you absolutely need to argue your point of view with facts. For example, you might mention the exact days he came to work late or presentations where you don't believe he made a valid contribution.
Step 3. Be wary of any behavior that poses a threat
If a person's attitude poses a threat to themselves or anyone else, you should argue with them to prevent it from happening again or getting worse.
Consider the circumstances carefully. If you are afraid of confronting someone alone, it may be wise to bring a trusted friend or discuss in a public place. Put your safety first
Step 4. Choose your battles
Certainly there are situations that can improve with a direct comparison. However, this is not true in all circumstances. It is not always necessary to argue with everyone. Sometimes, to ease the tension, it is much more helpful to smile and say "okay" or just avoid the issue than to start arguing. Since every situation, like every person, is different, it is important to understand from time to time if a confrontation is the right solution to manage things.
