Feeding a conversation can be a daunting task. Fortunately, there are some simple techniques you can use to keep the other person's interest and engagement high. Be interested in what your interlocutor is saying by listening carefully and asking good questions; try to establish a good pace of dialogue that allows you to develop a bond with the other person; finally, be sure to show open body language that makes the interlocutor feel comfortable.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Show Interest
Step 1. Choose topics that interest your interlocutor
Generally, people like to talk about themselves and their interests; It will certainly be easier to get the conversation flowing if you focus on things that you know are important to each other.
- Before you meet someone, prepare three topics to turn to in case the conversation languishes. Think about some travel, business event, or relationship the person has recently told you about.
- Ask questions about school or work, his hobbies or passions, family and friends, or even his origins (his personal history or that of his family).
- You can also rely on any clues you picked up earlier in the conversation to decide whether to drop or continue with a particular topic. For example, if the person was enlightened just before when football was mentioned, you can delve further into the subject by asking them questions about the team they support, famous footballers, or how they approached that sport.
Step 2. Ask open questions
Avoid those that you just need to answer with a simple "Yes" or "No", as they can cause the conversation to run aground, while other questions offer further insights. Ask questions that allow the other person to speak at their convenience.
- Open questions require more information from the respondent. For example, instead of asking, "You studied abroad for a year in 2006, right?", Try asking, "What was it like studying abroad?". The second question gives the person the opportunity to space and elaborate a broader answer.
- If you happen to ask a closed question, which only requires a "Yes" or a "No", make up for it by saying something like, "Really? Tell me more."
Step 3. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying
Listening is just as important as talking when having a conversation; active listening, in particular, gives the opportunity to understand the other's point of view. Wait for the interlocutor to finish speaking before saying anything, then summarize what they said to show that you were listening, for example by starting like this: "In summary you are saying that…".
- If you are concerned that you have not understood something well, ask for confirmation or clarification ("Do you mean that …?").
- A good listener is able to fuel the conversation using previously touched topics. For example, you might say, "If I'm not mistaken, you mentioned earlier…".
- Express empathy as you listen, trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Step 4. Encourage the other person to keep talking
Knowing how to listen does not simply mean staying still and staring at the other while he speaks. It is important to interact with the person and encourage them, without interrupting them. You can react to his words with interjections, such as "Ah!" or "Oh!", or encourage her to continue, for example by saying: "What next?".
The interaction doesn't have to be verbal; the other person can also be encouraged by nodding or mirroring their facial expressions, for example by being surprised or sad in accordance with the emotions the other person is displaying
Part 2 of 3: Establishing a Good Pace
Step 1. Speak without filters
One of the most common reasons conversations fail is that both interlocutors think too much about what they should or shouldn't say. You begin to fear that you have no more arguments and you cannot decide whether what has just occurred to you is appropriate or sufficiently interesting. In moments like this, follow the simplest of strategies: say whatever you are thinking, without any censorship and without thinking too much.
For example, let's say a long silence has fallen between you and you are thinking about how much your feet are suffering from high heels. Exclaim something like "Man, these heels are killing me!" it might seem bizarre; yet, a straightforward statement like this can lead to an interesting exchange of views on the feminist view of heels or to the story of an episode in which someone fell due to the dizzying height of the shoes she was wearing
Step 2. Deal with awkward moments
Even the best conversations can run into obstacles that threaten to derail them. The best solution in these cases is to openly acknowledge the problem and move on. Ignoring obvious discomfort would only risk alienating the other person.
For example, if you accidentally say something offensive, immediately back off and apologize. Don't act like nothing has happened
Step 3. Make the other person laugh
Humor is a great card to play in a conversation, not only because it's a good way to keep it going, but also because it helps form a bond with the other person. We tend to laugh more when we are in the company of friends; being able to make the other person laugh, therefore, creates a sort of understanding.
You don't have to start telling a joke to make someone laugh; a sarcastic or witty joke said at the right time is just as effective. For example, let's say you mentioned your passion for anime three times. At that point you might say, "I have to stop talking about anime or you will think I'm a fanatic … Okay, I'm a fanatic. I'm sick with anime. I'm carrying my favorite character's costume. I'm kidding!"
Step 4. Dig deeper with the questions
Once the first exchange of pleasantries has taken place, take the conversation to a deeper level. Think of it as a meal: you eat the appetizers first, then enjoy the main courses and finally the dessert. Once you've spent a few words on superficial topics, move on.
- For example, at the beginning of the conversation you probably asked: "What do you do in life?"; after a while you might go deeper by asking, "Why did you choose that job?". Generally speaking, the "whys" serve to dig deeper into the information the other has already shared.
- When asking more personal questions, pay close attention to the signs the other person is showing to see if they are feeling uncomfortable; if so, back off and change the subject.
- Try to keep yourself informed of the news so that you always have a good conversation topic ready. For example, you could ask the other person for their opinion on a political or social issue that is having great resonance at the moment.
Step 5. Don't be afraid of silence
It has its role in communication and it is not at all necessary to avoid it like the plague. Helps to catch your breath and process thoughts; it can also signal the need to change the subject if the conversation has become boring or dangerously heated.
- A few seconds of silence are perfectly normal; do not force yourself to fill them at all costs.
- However, if the silence continues for too long, it is good to turn to a new topic, for example by saying: "I'd like to know more about what you were saying about…".
Part 3 of 3: Using the Right Body Language
Step 1. Be relaxed
Body language plays a crucial role in putting the interlocutor at ease so that he feels free to open up and speak. If you stay stiff and straight as a spindle you could make the other one feel uncomfortable. Instead, try to show a relaxed attitude: show off a gentle smile and lean back a little on the chair, assuming an open posture; if you are standing, you can lean relaxed against a wall or column.
Another way to appear relaxed is to release tension in your shoulders: let them fall down and back
Step 2. Remain facing the other party
A good conversation involves a connection between you and the other person; you will never reach it if you don't look at each other while you speak. Also, when you turn your body or feet in another direction you are communicating to the interlocutor that you are ready to leave. So remember to orient your body towards the person you are talking to.
If you want to show particular interest at certain points in the conversation, lean forward towards the other person
Step 3. Look the other person in the eye
Regular eye contact is essential in a conversation - you should look the person straight in the eye when you start talking, then keep doing it for 4-5 seconds. You will still have to look away from time to time! Take a few seconds to look around before reestablishing eye contact.
Try to look the person in the eye about half the time while you are talking and 70% of the time while you are listening. This little rule can help you manage eye contact, avoiding getting creepy staring at each other
Step 4. Don't cross your arms or legs
Doing so expresses disinterest in what the other person is saying, as well as making you appear defensive. If you have a habit of crossing your arms or legs, make an effort to relax them when having a conversation.
It's perfectly normal for you to look weird at first. Keep trying; you will see that with time you will feel more and more at ease
Step 5. Assume a posture that expresses confidence
If you don't have a lot of self-confidence, you can try positioning your body in a way that makes you look (and feel) more confident. When you sit down, for example, you can put your hands behind your head in an inverted "V"; if you're standing up, a great way to show confidence during a conversation is to put your hands on your hips.
