How to Practice Nonviolent Communication

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

Nonviolent communication (CNV) consists of a simple method of clear and empathic communication, based on four steps:

• Observation of the facts;
• Identification of feelings;
• Recognition of needs;
• Formulation of requests.

NVC is aimed at finding a way for each person to be able to express what they deem important without blaming, humiliating, embarrassing, blaming, coercing or threatening others. It serves to resolve conflicts, get in tune with people and live in a conscious and attentive way of their needs, finding a compromise with their own.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Practice CNV

Step 1. Make your observations express the need to communicate something

You should make observations based purely on facts, therefore free from judgments or evaluations. Often, people disagree with each other because they value things differently, while directly observable facts provide common ground on which to communicate. Eg:

• "It's two in the morning and I hear the music coming from your stereo" expresses a verifiable fact, while "It's too late to make all this noise" indicates a judgment.
• "I just checked the refrigerator and saw that there is nothing to eat. I believe you did not go shopping" expresses a verifiable fact (with an explicitly worded deduction), while "You haven't done anything all day "indicates a judgment.

Step 2. Express the feelings that accompany the observation

Alternatively, imagine what the other person is feeling and ask them. The fact of defining an emotion or a state of mind, without expressing moral judgments, allows you to get in tune with the other, nurturing a climate of mutual respect and support. Take this approach, trying to identify the emotions that you or the other person are feeling during your confrontation, without making them feel ashamed and even preventing this risk. Sometimes it is difficult to put into words what you are feeling.

• For example, "There is an hour to the start of the show and I see you pacing back and forth (remark). Are you nervous?"
• "I see your dog running around barking and off the leash (remark). I'm scared."

Step 3. Express the needs that give rise to certain feelings

Alternatively, Imagine what the needs could be that generate certain emotions in the other person and ask them.

When our needs are met, we feel happy and fulfilled; on the contrary, when they are disregarded, we experience negative feelings. Often our state of mind helps us understand the underlying needs. By expressing them without making a moral judgment, you can give yourself a clearer idea of what is happening in you or in the other person at a given moment.

• For example: "I see that, as I speak to you, you look away and speak so softly that I cannot hear you (remark). Please raise your voice so I can understand you."
• "I feel distressed (feeling) and I need to talk to you right away. Is this the right time for you?"
• "I saw that you were not mentioned in the acknowledgments. Are you disappointed not to have received the recognition you expected?".
• In the CNV, needs enjoy a special status: they can be shared by all and, in order to be satisfied, they must not be linked to a particular circumstance or strategy. Therefore, the desire to go to the cinema with someone is not a need and neither is the desire to be in the company of a particular person. In this case, the need could be socialization, which you can satisfy in a thousand different ways, not just by looking for a particular person or just going to the cinema.

Step 4. Make a real request to meet the need you have identified

Ask clearly and precisely what you want, instead of hinting or suggesting what you don't want. In order for the request to be such and not disguise a claim, allow the other person to say no or propose an alternative. This way, you take it upon yourself to meet your own needs by letting others take care of theirs.

"I noticed you haven't said anything in the last ten minutes (remark). Are you bored? (Feeling)". If the answer is yes, try to communicate your mood and make a proposal: "Well, I'm bored too. How about going to the museum?" or maybe "In my opinion, it's really interesting to talk to these people. Why don't we go and see them for about an hour as soon as I'm done here?"

Part 2 of 3: Facing the Obstacles

Nonviolent communication is an idealized form of communication and does not work in every situation. Here's how to put it to good use and recognize when a more direct and assertive communication style is needed.

Step 1. Make sure your interlocutor is available to communicate in a non-violent way

NVC employs an emotional intimacy that is not suitable for all people and all circumstances, so boundaries need to be set. If someone is unwilling to express what they think, do not insist and do not manipulate them.

• Do not start psychoanalyzing your interlocutor without their consent.
• If someone, at any time, no longer wants to talk about what they feel or think, they have every right to do so and leave the conversation.
• People with intellectual development disorders, especially under stress, may have difficulty speaking and interpreting NVC. In this case, be clear and direct.

Step 2. Keep in mind that no one is responsible for the state of mind of others

You don't have to change your behavior just because someone else doesn't like it. If a person asks you to sacrifice yourself or ignore your wants and needs, you have every right to refuse.

• If someone is acting aggressive, you may be wondering what they need. However, there is the risk of it becoming an emotionally tiring job; you can avoid it, considering that its negativity is not your problem.
• Not even others are obliged to meet what you want or need. If someone refuses, avoid getting angry or blaming them.

Step 3. Understand that it is possible to misuse the NVC

People can use this form of communication to hurt others, so you need to know how to recognize this danger. Sometimes, it is not necessary to meet someone's "needs". Remember that tone is less important than what a person has to say and that you shouldn't put out everything you think.

• Those who tend to attack can use the CNV to control others. For example: "I feel neglected when you don't look for me for 15 minutes".
• The interlocutor may also criticize the tone to divert the conversation to their own needs. For example: "I feel bad when you get mad at me" or "I feel attacked when you use that tone". Everyone has the right to be heard, even if they express themselves in a way that not everyone likes.
• No one should be forced to listen to negative thoughts about him. For example, it is unfair for a parent to tell his autistic child that he cannot stand it or for someone to tell a Muslim that everyone of the Islamic faith should be expelled. Some ways of expressing your beliefs, feelings and fears can be offensive.

Step 4. Realize that some people don't care at all how you feel emotionally

For example, by saying "I feel humiliated when you make fun of me in front of my friends," you will get nothing if the other person doesn't care about your feelings. Nonviolent communication can make a difference when two interlocutors unintentionally injure each other, but not when the offenses are intentional or when one doesn't care about hurting the other. In these cases, it is best to be clear by saying "enough", "leave me alone" or "this hurts me".

• Sometimes, when a person takes it out on someone, it is not because they have made a mistake. If, on the other hand, he attacks him, he can go to the wrong side.
• Other times it is necessary to make value judgments, such as "she is a bully woman" or "this is unfair and it is not my fault", especially in cases of violence, bullying, bullying and situations where someone needs to protect themselves.

Part 3 of 3: Communicate Correctly

Step 1. Decide the solution together, if possible

When two people do something together, they express a consent that leads them to engage in what they do in order to satisfy real needs and wants, not because they are induced by guilt or because they feel pressured. Sometimes, it is possible to find a solution that meets the respective needs, while others have to go separate ways.

If you do not place yourself in this spirit, perhaps you need more time or more empathy, or your instinct is telling you that on the other side you do not perceive due attention towards you. Think about what's holding you back

Step 2. Listen carefully to the other person's words

Don't assume you know what she thinks or what is best for her. Rather, let her express her thoughts and feelings. Don't minimize her every momentum, take your time to make sure she feels considered and make it clear that you care about her.

If you spend too much time qualifying and defining her needs, she may think you are trying to psychoanalyze her instead of listening to her. Focus on what he says, not on hidden or unconscious meanings

Step 3. Take a break if you have been too stressed during the conversation

If you are too angry to speak clearly and evenly, if your interlocutor is unwilling to communicate openly, or if one of you wants to end the conversation, stop. You can resume the discussion at a better time when both of you are available.

If comparisons with someone always end badly, examine the situation carefully as there may be a more serious problem

Examples of Phrases

Sometimes, a memorized sentence can help you structure what you need to say:

• "Do you feel _ because you need _?". To fill in the blanks, put yourself in the other person's shoes and you will see the situation from his or her point of view.
• "Are you angry because you are thinking _?". Anger is caused by negative thoughts, such as: "I think you lied" or "I think I deserve a raise higher than what Tom got." If you state what you think, you are on the right track to communicate the underlying need.
• "I was wondering if you felt _" is another way to identify with the interlocutor, without explicitly asking a question. The sentence thus set communicates a guess, not an attempt to analyze the other person or tell them what they are feeling.
• "I see that _" or "I realize that _" are phrases that introduce an observation so that the interlocutor perceives it as such.
• "I think _" allows you to express a thought so that it is understood as an opinion that you can change if new information or ideas are added.
• "Would you like to _?" it is a clear way of making a proposal.
• "Would you like it if I _?" it is a way to offer help to the interlocutor allowing him to satisfy a need that has just emerged with ample decision-making space.
• A wording that encompasses all four steps (observation of facts, identification of feelings, recognition of needs, formulation of requests) might be: "I see that _. I feel _ because I need _. Would you like to _?". Or: "I realize that _. Do you feel _ because you need _?" Followed by "Would it change anything if I _?" or a sentence stating what you think and what your interlocutor needs, followed by a question.

Advice

• The four steps (observations, feelings, needs, requests) are not necessary in all situations.
• When you put yourself in someone's shoes, it's not always easy to pinpoint their feelings or needs. Attempting to listen to and understand it - without criticizing, judging, analyzing, advising or arguing - very often leads to it opening up more, giving you a clearer idea of what is happening. Interest in the state of mind and the needs that accompany the behavior of others will help you to acquire a new awareness, which you cannot foresee without adequate knowledge of the situation. Often, if you are the first to sincerely share your feelings and needs, you can encourage the other person to open up.
• The examples and communication schemes reported above belong to the so-called Formal CNV: they represent a way of speaking based on the four steps. Formal NVC is useful for learning this type of communication in situations where it can be easily misunderstood. In everyday life, it is more likely to resort to Colloquial CNV, characterized by an informal language and in which the context is very important for communicating information. For example, suppose you are with a friend while their executives are meeting to evaluate their job performance. You might say "You're pacing back and forth. Are you nervous?" Instead of using words that don't respect his mood, like, "When I see you pacing back and forth, I wonder if you feel nervous because you want to hold onto this job. just to be able to satisfy your basic needs and have a roof over your head."
• Try to apply the four steps in your personal situation, in order to identify your needs and act intelligently. For example, when you get angry, you may be tempted to scold yourself or someone else: "They're idiots! Don't they see they're ruining the project with their closed-mindedness?" Rather, try to think non-violently: "The other engineers weren't convinced. I don't think they listened to my argument. I'm upset because they don't listen to me as merit. I wish my plan was heard and approved with due respect. How can I get it? Maybe not from this team. Alternatively, I could talk face-to-face with each engineer when tempers have calmed down and see how things are going."
• CNV can be useful even if the interlocutor does not practice it or does not know it. Also apply it unilaterally and you could still get results. Although CNV training courses are paid, the website offers beginners some resources, audio files and free online courses. To learn more, click on the "NVC Academy" link below.
• Avoid saying, "You make me feel _", "I feel _ because you did _", and most importantly, "You make me angry." These phrases blame the other person for what you are feeling and do not allow you to identify the underlying need, which is the real cause of your mood. An alternative might be: "When you did _, I felt _ because I needed _." On the other hand, as noted above, if you adequately communicate your needs even in a less explicit way, without blaming the interlocutor for your feelings, it is not necessary to explain everything in detail.
• When someone tries to accuse, insult, or overpower you, you can always listen to what they say by considering their words as a reflection of their unmet needs. "Goofy! Shut up and sit down!" probably expresses an unfulfilled need for perfection. "You're a slacker. You're really pissing me off!" it could indicate a frustration that arises from inadequate use of the other's skills or from a vain attempt to help him improve his skills. It's up to you to find out.
• As simple as NVC is, its application can be more difficult than it seems. Read Marshall Rosenberg's book, take a few classes, put it into practice in your life and see what lessons you can learn from it. Go ahead even wrong, see what went wrong and, next time, apply what you learned. Over time it will become natural. You could take an example from someone already experienced. In addition to the four steps, there is an enormous amount of material: methods for dealing with particularly difficult situations (children, spouses, work, street gangs, countries at war, violent criminals, drug addiction); ideas related to the conflict between needs and strategies and other fundamental differences; alternatives to dominance; evaluation between empathy towards someone, self-love and self-determination; cultures where nonviolent communication is the norm.

Warnings

• According to the CNV, "needs" do not represent instances to be satisfied at all costs: a need is not an excuse to impose oneself by saying "You have to do this because I need it".
• The basic technique consists mainly in establishing an emotional connection with others in order to identify each other's needs and, secondly, in working out a solution or identifying the reasons that lead to seeing things differently. Typically, trying to solve a problem directly or get behind a fight prevents the people involved from feeling listened to or pushes them to stick even more.
• Avoid arguing with an angry person, but just listen to them. After understanding her emotions and real needs and showing that you have listened to her without judging her, she may be willing to listen to you. At that point, you can look for a solution that benefits both of you.
• Empathy is not a mechanical process. It is not enough just to say certain words. You need to intercept the other person's emotions and needs to assess the situation from their point of view."Empathy is where our attention and our conscience connect, not in what we say". Sometimes, it can be helpful to imagine how you would feel in the other person's shoes. Go beyond his words: what is the reality behind his words? What causes you to speak or act in a certain way?

• In situations where the nerves are on the edge of the skin, by showing empathy towards the interlocutor you have the opportunity to bring out his mood in all its facets, many of which are negative. In these cases, just look from his perspective.

  For example, your roommate might say to you, "You put my sweater in the dryer and now it's completely ruined! You're a poultice!" With empathy, you might say, "You're getting upset because you think I'm not paying enough attention to your things." Then he could reply: "You think only of you!". It continues on the same line: "Are you angry because you want me to be more careful?".

  Depending on the emotional involvement triggered by the discussion and the quality of your dialogue, you will probably have to exchange a few lines before you can get an answer like: "Yes! That's exactly what I mean! You don't care!". At this point, you can argue with other facts ("Actually I didn't use the dryer today"), apologize or change your approach, for example by telling your interlocutor that you do not ignore their needs.